Tales From Teufort
by SteamedCrabClaws
Summary: A seruies of storiys, 1 4 each of our fav mercenaries (ant a rewrite of Doom ;Mates wid Merasmus!11). Have fun and let me know what your think ;) PS. There's lots of weird stuff in dis so make sur too read the WARNING for each chapter. PPS This is rolly SEXY so you better watch out!111 . (PPS. I am dislexic so B nice)
1. Chapter 1: Spy's Problem

Spy's Problem: A Tale of How Spy Almost Lost His French.

* * *

Auathers Nose:

Hello, and welcome to my Team Fortress 2 fanfiction, after nine minutes in development, hopefully it will be worth the wait…

Genre: Family/Friendship

Rated S for Sexy Fucking Smiley Face ;)

WARNING: The forthcoming pile of goat shit contains: Bad attempts at Accents, Racism, The motorboating of man boobs, Frequent mentions of Hitler, Pain is, Anal sex, Oral sex, Über sex, Über cum, Scottish wizards, Skull fucking, Mpreg, Piss drinking, Shit sandviches, Decapitated head stealing, the KKK, French people, Women with penises, a nun?

Prepare Your Anus.

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning in Tuefort, New Mexico. The birds were singing, the Mann Co. store was selling useless fucking hats, and RED Sniper was taking a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.

"Arrrrr… piss," grinned the Sniper, tasting the cloudy, concentrated urine on his finger. "That's how we do it in the bush." He chuckled, placing the jar on top of the dining table before pouring himself a large glass of water. He would have to drink a lot of water if he was to collected enough of his piss for battle that would be battled on two days from now and he had only two days to make all the piss that he needed.

"Guten Morgen, Herr Sniper," RED Medic sayed walking into the kitchin' which is where they was, giving him a Nazi salute (because he is of the German and this is how all germs greet people). "Ze supply train vill be passing through today!1"

RED Spy materialized into da room like a Spy "Hon HOn HON!" He Snorted. "This is the good news gentlemen, I have ordered Pornography (-this is a proper noun now) of Scouts whore of a mother from her brothel in Boston. We can have a maison de trois and jack off to it together."

"ALL RIGHT!" Sniper yelled, doing the taunt he does while holding the SMG. He was super excited now because Scouts Ma was a hot skanky bitch with a BIG penis, and Spy was a pricey poofer who moisturised his hands like a woman which meant they felt nice when they rubbed up and down the Ozzies cock.

Medic was not as happy though because he did not find women with penises attractive, he liked real men with big hairy balls that could slap him in the face so hard it would give him a migraine, he also liked mass killings, in fact just thinking of the holocaust made him want to rub his nipples and stimulate his prostate with a knackwurst sausage.

All of a sudden RED Scout burst through the door, interrupting Sniper and Spy who were now making out, and snapping Medic from his sexual fantasy of submerging Jewish twins in scalding hot water, and school shootings. "IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE!11" he shouted, "COME ON YA LAZY FAGGS." And with that he ran to fetch the other five mercenaries.

Grouping together the nine mercs ran outside carrying handfuls of keys.

"I want a new FOOKING SWORD!" the Scottish RED Demoman said.

"I want some PAIN IS!" RED Soldier shouted slapping Demo's ass with the disciplinary action (a riding crop to you and me.) Everyone started to laugh hard at Soldiers SUPAR funny joke.

They all gathered around a pallet of Mann Co. crates that had been dropped off by the supply train.

"Open zem! Schnell, schnell! Said Medic," said Medic, so excited that he thought he might mutate into Hitler.

Scout opened the first crate. "Frickin' unbelievable," he said, "It's another sandman."

RED Pyro started to laughing at him badly "Mmmph mmmmph mmmph," he taunted uncarting an awesome hat making scout supper jelly.

Within the next few minutes all the mercenaries had opened a crate.

"YES!," said RED Heavy Weapons Guy, the obese, bald, Russian of the group, "I got sandvich."

Scout, still pissed that Pyro got a cool hat and he didn't, LOLED and ROFLED at him, "Hey tons 'o' fun why don't ya eat a salad."

Heavy suddenly felt very sadly because people were always making fun of his weight, and when he was a little flabby boy in Russia people would mistake him for a grizzly bear and try to shoot him. A tear rolled down his cheek like sweat rolling between a buttcrack, he no longer felt like eating his sandvich in case Scout or someone else bullied him again.

"It's okay Herr Heavy," Medick said pinching the Hoovy's chunky ass, "You don't need to lose veight, but Scout could lose about 10 pounds in his head."

Heavy hugged Medic. He liked him because he worked with him a lot on the battling field and sometimes at the end of a medical procedure he would give him a happy ending. Also Medic liked Pringles.

Spy rubbed his hands togetzer like a fly does when it lands on your food and you watch it for a bit. "It's time for ze Pornography staring Scout's mother." He said sexily pulling a key out of his zipper. The other men gathered around looking forward to seeing that Boston hoe with her vagina out. All except Scout who was embarrassed about his ma been a stripper resulting in him been a bastard child. And Medic who was giving Heavy a quick BJ. "To open a crate gentlemen," Spy began "you need to be gentle with it, like making love to a beautiful penis-less women." He circled the key around the lock before slipping it inside, simultaneously jizzing his pants.

The lock fell of the crate and they all stared inside.

"Well where are the pic of the lass then lad?" Demoman asked.

"Yes, as a true bred American I was looking forward to masturbating to Pornography of an American woman with a pain is." Everyone laughed at soldier again because 'pain is' never got old, even Medic who had a mouth full of cock and G men laughed before he had chance to swallow, spraying the ex-contents of Heavy's balls over everyone.

Spy rummaged around the bottom of the crate desperately. "Must have le P0rnz," he whimpered. Searching each of the corners he noticed a white piece of paper, it read:

"RED Spy Dearie, I'm very sorry I can't send you the Pornography that you ordered but I recently had sex with the enemy Spy who gave me BLU waffle (LOL get it?). Because of this I am having a vagina transplant, I will get the Porn to you as soon as possible. Love, Scouts Mother, official dildo tester."

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" Yelled spy, almost deafening the other mercenaries and causing the glass of Medics spectacles, RED Engineers goggles and Pyros gasmask to shatter. "What am I supposed to do without my monthly dose of Porn?"

Sniper put his arm around him, "Awww, that's apples mate… but we can still jack off together without Porn."

"You don't understand monsieur Sniper, I am French non? If I don't stimulate my baguette using Pornography then I will lose the gift of seducing super models, a power only bestowed on le French."

Pyro stroked the nozzle of her gasmask in thought puzzling out this conundrum before snapping his fingers, "Mmhp mmmmhp, mmhp mmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp... Huddah huuh mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp mmmmhp huddah mmmmhp huuh mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp huuh huddah huuh mmmhp mmmmhp mmhp, mmmmhp mmmmhp. Huddah mmmmhp mmmhp mmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp, mmmmhp mmmmhp. Mmmmhp mmmmhp!" he explained, making suggestive gestures with her hands. (Inconsistent gender pronouns FTW)

"Good idea Partner," Praised the Engineer.

"What is idea?" Asked Heavy.

"Y'all stay here and I'll be back in a minuet." Engie said running inside of the base with Pyro.

There was an awkward silence.

"You have a bit of spunk on your face doc," demopan said, who was looking like everyone else in the group except with darker skin.

"Oh," spoke the Medic, licking the viscose white liquid from his chin and lips. "Zank you."

All of a sudden Engie came running out carrying his Construction PDA (magic building device), with Pyro behind him carrying a camera. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerecting a dispenser."

The dispenser built its self as dispensers always do, but it didn't look like a normal dispenser. It said Sex-O-Matic across the top and was a pretty pink colour. "I built dat," Engineer said taking the camera from Pyro. "Alright Spah, if ya need some porn then we better make some… I like to make things…"

Spy was going to say something on the matter but he was distracted by seeing Scout start to make out with the pink dispenser.

"Ohhhh baby, you like it when I hold you like that don't you?" he said. It was the most beautiful dispenser he had ever seen and he just wanted to touch it.

Engineer clicked the record button on the camera. "Just keep doing what you're doing scout this is going to look great on film."

Scout began to finger the slots of the dispenser and play with the many knobs on the front of it. The dispenser, so stimulated by the horny Scout, upgraded to a level 2 dispenser. A tray popped out of the front but instead of containing medical supplies like a normal lvl2 dispenser it contained an assortment of sex toys and different flavoured lubes. "Wooooooo, major league," Scout said, unzipping his pants like a boss and covering his bonking stick with crit-a-cola flavoured lube. "Look at me, ma." All the mercenaries watched as Scout rammed his dick into the grate of the dispenser, grinding it against the sides like a cheese grater as he started to fuck it. *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!*

"Yeee haw," said the Engineer, filming the scene. He was so turned on by seeing the barely legal scout fucking his dispenser that he reached into his overalls and pulled out his meat wrench.

Scout continued to mini crit the dispenser with his crit-a-cola cock, stimulating it so much that it once again upgraded. The grate of the dispenser promptly slammed shut slicing off his erection. "Arrrghhhhhhhhh!" screamed the Scout trying to stop the blood from pumping out of his body by holding his mutilated member against the bloody stump. "DOC! LITTLE HELP, I'M DYING HERE!"

Medic was in hysterics, laughing so hard that you could almost see his digestive system. He hadn't seen something so funny (and so stimulating) since he watched that documentary on Nazi medical experiments.

Scout started to get woozy from the blood loss, stumbling around and collapsing against the dispenser. "Kill… me…" he whimpered.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Medic LOLED, "Cocks grow back…" *troll face* "No they don't."

Soldier started to facepalm very hard. "You call that fucking?" Soldier said to the passed out Scout, "You're an embarrassment to the stars and stripes son, I'll show you how a REAL American fucks." Soldier reached out his arm for the closest merc "CUM 'ERE SWEETHEART," he said to the Pyro. "I'm gonna enjoy ramming each and every one of you sorry sacks of cum… I mean scum. Except Spy cos hes too French"

":(" said spy.

Soldier LOLED "I love ya realy ya slimy bastard." He winked and blew him a hiss.

"Mmmmph?" asked Pyro angry about been ignored, "Hudah huh?"

Soldier was like 'Oh yeah, I was gonna fuck ya' and began to mac out with Pyros gasmask. After the minuet or so of stemmy gasmask makeinout time S;ldier got all hots and stemmy like a sauna. He was so hot that he started to undo Pyros asbestos suit. Suddenly the sky got all dark and cloudy and Gabe Newell appeared there like an angel from the heavens.

"Holly flippin' burgers, IT'S GABE!" said Engineer.

Gabe looked at Pyro "Uhh no," he said. Pyro nodded that he understood, now was not the time for her gender to be reviled because if he did Valve would have to stop trolling people. Just as this happened soldier ripped open the suit. Pyro felt her breathing stop as he collapsed onto the floor, from his suit a load of potatoes poured out of his suit leaving nothing but his clothes and her gas mask and potaters.

"Dammit," Said solider, realising that he had almost broken the universe by trying to undress the Pyro, but thankfully he turned into a sack of 'taters. Gabe disappeared into the sky smiling, off to troll more people and make tons of money, as the clouds cleared.

"Oh Solider," said Demoman getting onto his knees "like all Scottish men, poetasters get me really horny.

Solider got da big smile on his face, taking his pain is out of his pants. "You are a very pretty black, one eyed man," Said Solider.

"Awww, thank ya mate," said demo, lifting his eye patch and reviling a deep, wet cavity where his left eye should be. "Would ya like ta fuck ma socket?" he asked.

"Affirmative," solider said, taking a butt plug from the dispenser. He pressed the butt plug into his own anus and adjusted it so that it was comfortable. "All right sugar plumb, let's dance." He let his engorged cock circle the demomoman euye hole. Then he promptly began to fuck Demo in the eye socket. His eye socket was very warm, moist and fitted nicely around his pain is.

"You like this don't you Solly," Demo said using his tongue to play with Soldier's sticky testicles. Solider thrust harder and faster into Demos head.

"SCREAMING EAGLES!" Solider cried, launching a hot rocket of cum into the back of his partners head. All of a sudden the air became cold and there was a bright green fog pouring from Demo's eye socket.

"What the FOOK?" said demo. A large dark figure rose from out of the fog… it was….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….… MERASMUS1! OH NOS.

"MERASMUS HAS CUM," sayed Merasmus holding up a hand dripping with Soldier's cum.

"Merasmus, YOU SON OF A BITCH!1" said Soldier.

"ARRRHHH" A VIZARD, Screamed Medic like a pussy, defecating in fear. (- This is an important plot point, so take note! :p )

"SOLIDER HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH A BLACK GUY!" merasmus said like a sassy fat black woman.

"URE A RACIST FUCK MERASMUS, GO BACK TO SCROTE LAND!" He pulled the butt plug out of his ass and threw it at Meras a moss.

"You sick bastard I will teach you TO THROW YOUR BUTT PLUG AT ME." Merasy said a majic spell. "I have your decapitated heads solider" Solider looked at the fence where he kept his decapitated heads, THEY WERE GONE. Solider thought Marasmus was a fuck.

"I'm going to KILL YOU!" said solly. Marasmus laughed.

"Those aren't the only heads I took solider." He smiled like a troll. Solider looked down at his crotch, THE HEAD OF HIS PAIN IS WAS MISSING.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1" said solider sadenly. Merasmus disappeared.

"CUM FIND ME SOLIDER… IF YOU DARE" Marasmus said sexily.

So Demo and Soldier went to find marasmus and get soldiers heads back.

While this was all happening spy was jacking off sniper with his soft subtle hands. "BOOM HEADSHOT!" said sniper shooting spy in the forehead with a thick shot of hot sea men.

"You disgust me," Spy said all frenchly because he was French. He wiped the cum of his head and took out his butterfly knife.

"Carve me a new vagina" Said sniper.

"But of corse :D" Spy smiled and began to cut a slit between Snipes balls and cock which he promptly began to fuck.

Heavy watched them very closely-ly, it was so Kawaii that he couldn't help but rub and squeeze his fat man boobs. He was so horny and didn't know what to do…

"Doktor…" he said zesty-ly "Is team time?"

Medic *0% Übercharge* shook his head. "Nein!" he wanted to 'do the nasty' but he didn't want to ruin his German purity by making lovings with an inferior race.

Heavy felt very sadly that his Medic didn't want to make the sex with him, especially after everything that tey had bean through together. His face turned into a salad of anger. He was so aroused and mad about be rejected that he thought about raping Me dick, but didn't because that would make work awkward on Monday.

But then he had an amazing, totally gonna work idea. "Wait here Doktor he said I be right back." And he ran to the closest shop he could see owned by the KKK and bought an super sexy book. It was (Dun Dun duhh) Hitler's Biography. He began to read it to Medic who got VERY happy. So much so that his crotch started to SIEG HEIL*25% Übercharge *

"Oh Heavy :3" Medic said "I love Hitler, he is mien Idol." He began to motorboat Heavy's man tities which jiggled sexily like water balloons. "I vant you to Fuck me schweinehund, I am so horny. I vant you to fuck me harder zen Hitler fucked over the Jews" *50% Übercharge*

"Yeess" said heavy " my love quest is over ." He opened Medic legs to find that Meddys cheeks and inner thighs were caked with faeces from when marasmus had been scary. (Insert '2 girls, one cup' music here)

Heavy laughed well naturedly. "Uh oh, looks like somebody soiled diaper."

Medic blushed. "Oh, how embarrassing," he said, all teary eyed because he had shat himself in front of his new Boyfriend.

Heavy shrugged, "Do not cry, is not problem." And he got his sandvich "Da, this will work." Medic closed his eyes and felt the soft slices of bread wipe his thighs, the cleft of his arse and his tight puckered hole clean.

"Moist and delicious!" Heavy smiled, taking a few bites out of the sandvich, the gooey brown shit trailing down his chin "Mmmm, so filling."

"Zis is FILTHY!" Medic giggled "But I like it." Noticing that Hoovy had finished his sandbitch, Medic pulled his legs apart further. "Now use your tongue" he instructed.

Heavy smiled, licking clean any remnants that the white (more like brown, oh yeah) bread hadn't wiped off, before proceeding to press his tongue deep into the doctors anal cavity, pushing past the rings of muscle.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, vat a curious sensation," the physician said.

Heavy mounted him like a horny walrus and invaded his anus like Germany invaded Poland.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, Mmmmmmmmmmm, JA, JA, JA! =]" medic moaned as ta big Russian Pen15 pressured against his prostate "I AM ZE ÜBERMENSCH" *75% Übercharge*

Heavy gave another few _hard_ thrusts making medic gasp desperately for air in pleasure. He felt like he was in a special Nazi happy shower. His cock starting to throw of red sparks at the end, a pearl of glowing, red, flashy pre-cum seeping from his slit. "MIEN GOTT, H-HEAVY… I'M, I'M FULLY CHARGED!" *100% Übercharge*

"One second please," said spy, close to ejaculating in Snipers makeshift vagina. "Arghhhhhhhhh!" he screamed filling Sniper with his French dressing before pulling out leaving the bloody cum covered flaps of skin. "Alright, at your pleasure doctor."

"Jawohl. Ready Comrade?"

Heavy nodded "Da, cum doctor." Medic pressed M2 on his mouse, popping his Über.

"OOOOOOKKKKKKKKKTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!111."

Thick red glowing ejaculate erupted from his magic heal-ly gun with such force that it spurted several meters into the air like a Chinese firework display before raining down on everyone.

"Thanks doc," said Sniper, feeling his flesh merge back together as he was over healed by da cum. (THIS WORKS BECAUSE MEDIC IS TA HEALING CLASS SO STFU PLZ :3)

Scout slowly came back around, covered from head to toe in flashy healing semen of doctor. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and was relieved to see that the Über cum had made a new member grow back in the sliced off ones place. "Thank Gabe!" Scout said.

All of a sudden there was a lot of screaming and clanging from inside the base and Marasmus came out been chased by Soldier and Demoman, giggling like a school girl.

"You'll never catch me Soldieeeee…." Marasmus was cut off as he slipped in the big puddle of blood, excrement, and semen. from ze sexay time, causing him to smash his head on the ground. "Oww my head said Marasmus" Marasmus said.

"Give me back my heads YOU UGLY WIZZARD WIZZTARD." Solider shouted.

"NEVAR LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL."

But then the Announcer Announced "Mission Ends In 60 Seconds."

"Oh SHIT," said everyone. It was time to complete the mission.

Engineer dfucked behind his dispenser while everonelse began to beat the fuck out of Marasmus and his face.

"Ouch my pancreas" said Marasmus. "PLZ STOP DIS HURTZ SO MICH, CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? =("

"GIVE ME MY HEADS BAK DEN!" Solider souted.

"FINE, JUST PLEASE STOP HITTING ME =:::(" Marasmus snapped his fingers returning Soliders heads to their respected place on the head fence.

"VICTORY" Said the announcer. Everyone was super excited and high fived becasuse they had beaten marasmus.

But then….. Medic opened a packet of Dora fruit snacks and drank a alcoholic beverage and said "Whoops… that was not medicine." He pointed at Soldiers crotch.

FUCK SIAD SOILDER, marasmus had indeed returned the head of soldiers pain is but medics healy healy healy healy healy healy cream gravy had caused an extra head to heal next to the first meaning … He now had a two headed painis."IM AN ABOMINATION," solider cried.

Everyone LOLED at him.

"And that's a rape" said Engineer, finishing the recording. "This is some hot shit right here" he said in his Texan accent.

Butt spy collapsed onto the floor. "OH NO" said medic, shoving his tongue down spys throat to take his temperature. (HE'S allowed to do dis without permission because he is doctor and they get away with al kinds of pervey shit like shoving fingers up peoples asses and looking at crusty old vaginas without getting put on sex offender registrars.)

"WHATS THE MATTER WITH HIM DOC?" Asked sniper, all panicky.

"He hashbrown got much time left…" said medic, " Ve need to gets him to mien infirmary B4 he loses da ability to seduce suppermodels.!"

Tey piked up Spy and ran to de infirmary bitch was decorated with swat stickers. Meic took Seye into the operation room with the Porn tape Engie had filmed. His stripped of Psy's clothes off and put on sum surgical gloves ontop of his surgical gloves. "I am prepared to do whatever it takes," he said, pressing play to play the Porn vid, grasping the Frenchman's penut with his skilled surgeon hands.

Everyone else waited outside. Sniper started to hyperventilate in fear because he liked Psy and didn't want him to be less French, so Marasmus magicaled up a paper bag for sniper to breathe into.

Just then the door flung open. "Anozher Successful Procedure!" Medic said triumphantly Opening another packet of Dora fruit snacks and starting to nom them.

Spy Stped out wearing a beret and a stripy blak and white shit. "I feel très bon!" he said and he steped out. Sniper hugged him all gayely "Don't eva scare me like dat again you fucking spook" he said kissin him.

"Well now I've seen everything," Engineer said, taking back the tape from Medic. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now. Sniper went to his van with spy so that they could play twister together and master bat. Engie went to pootis his awesome P0rn on RED tube (Get it? LOL (Cerialy though don't look up RED tube kids… also Bracketception!)). Solider, Demo and Marasmus when to da cinema to see an X-Rated movie. Scout went to thank the dispenser for a good time. And Heavy and Medic went to the supermarket because Medic had run out of Dora fruit snacks and he was craving them like a fat kid craves Mc Donald's.

* * *

THE END…

Or is it?

Nope . Avi

* * *

"Hi" says Morgan Freeman "Im'a be narrating from now on."

Anyway, after the story it was the summer holiday so…

Spy and Sniper travelled the world in Snipers camper van and posted the pictures of places they wet to on Pinterest, for all the other Mercs to comment on.

Engineer video became so popular on RED tube that he won a saxxy and became a professional Pornz director in Hollywood becoming known as Vagineer. He went on to make such erotic masterpieces as 'Sexceptiption – we goto go deeper', 'How the Grinch Stole my Virginity' and 'E Three, The Extra Testicle."

Scout took the dispenser on a hot date, and tried to have sex with it, but the dispenser had him arrested for sexual abuse and had a restraining order put on him.

Soldier joined a freakshow because of his 2 headed pain is, along with demo and Marasmus. Together they mad lots of money and opened a nunnery where everyone would pray to their overlord Gabe Newell.

Pyro reformed in a Mexican potato field and arose from the dirt before walking across the border back to the RED Base.

Heavy and Medic porked regularly for the next month. Medic continued to have cravings for Dora fruit snacks, and started to gets all fat and hormonal and stuff. Then one morning Medic went to Heavy and told him all excited like "I am full of babies :D" (u did NA ZI that coming) And Hoovy seed "I not know men could get pregnant fat." And medic said "zhey can't but vhy should zhis story start making zense now." So Medic went into labour a week later and gave birth to twin boys and they named them Adolf and Stalin, after their favourite dicktators... And then Medic experimented on them 'cause he is a Nazi.

* * *

THE END…

Or is it?

Yes.

* * *

Auathers Nose:

Tanks 4 reading, please leave god revolves and no flams :)


	2. Chapter 2: Medic Goes to See the Medic

Medic Goes to See the Medic: A Tale of How Medic Did Some Stuff

* * *

Afuluthers knot:

Hi every 1. I'm back. After having so much fun with the last chapter that I did the writing of I decided I was going to write… drum roll… Ta Sequel (O'rly?). So… I here you asking… What's this one about? Well I'm glad you asked friend, this story is a very serious one and… Hahaha no… I can't type 'serious' with a straight face (but I can type a straight face :| see). Any way grab a tampon and stick it up there (you'll see) and in the words of Gabe "Have fun" :D

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Rated F for fill that Twinkie with cream, mmmmmmmmmmm, *licks lips*

WARNING: No warning this time, am feeling like a lazy bastard, derp.

HO, HO, HO. HEAR WE GO…

* * *

It was a dark and rainy morning in Tuefort, New Mexico. The birds were dying and plummeting from the sky, the Mann Co. store was NOT selling useless fucking hats, and RED Sniper COULDN'T take a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.

"Arrrrr… piss," growled the Sniper. "Why can't Oi take a leak?!"

"Hi ya Sniper," said RED Soldier scratching his ass with a fork and walking into the rec room, which is where they was.

"Solider Oi have a BBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG problem," Sniper shouts calmly and Soldier gets shocked. "Oi can't take a piss and if Oi can't take a piss Oi can't make jarate!"

"Hmmmm," sad Solider. He was thinking the hard about problem that Sniper was having. "Mayby you forgot how to take a piss." Solider suggested. Here let me show you. So solider Took out his painis. "Alright Sniper pay attention." Solider grunted a lot and started to take a piss, spraying urine in 2 directions because he has a two headed painis. "Excellent job men," he said to his patriotic, American made pain is which had a little, American flag hung on it like a flag pole.

Sniper was embarrassed at the fact that he couldn't be urinating in a jar, especially since he was the best pisser on the team, so he did the hard trying to urinate. Suddenly something warm started coming out of him. "Oi'm doin' it," said Sniper all happy, bee 4 realising that his didgeridoo was stinging the bad. "Oh wanker….." He looked down to see that the jar was been filled with a bright red bloodly liquid that was probably blood.

"OMG," Shouted Solider with his fists. "Something isn't right here." He grabbed Snipers thingy and did some looking at it, getting his eye very close to Sniper's kangaroo wife pleasing instrument. "Perhaps you have a really bad STD (Sexily Transmitted Disease).

Snapper gapped. "OH NOOOOOOOO, What do a do question mark" He asked.

"I don't know said Solider" "Let me ask someone… Merasmus!" he shouted to summon Merasmus from the place where Merasmus was.

Merasmus walked into the room slowly like an old person does when they are old (This is in character Be cause Merasmus does not levitate around when he is walking and he is old). "This better be important Solider?" Merasmus said, "Im getting a perm." (LOL each of the lines in this paragraph started with Merasmus XD LOL (NOTE: if you are reading did on fanfiction web sit it may not be like this because of formatting and other such things (if so then don't read wats in these brakets cause it makes no sense :)))) - level three chin.

Soldier asked Merasmus "Merasmus, S nipper can't take a piss, what does this meeeeeeeeeean?" Solider asked. Merasmus gasped.

"Oh cunt, said marasmus," He was very worried. He went a;; green and big and glowey and grabed Sniper buy his wanking rod and shook it around in anger. "HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING?" he shouted enraged.

"Oi only just couldn't pee now" said Sniper. "why?"

"Thank Fuck, We might still have some time then. Wait here and don't move I will try to find the others" then Merasmus vanish off into the air because he is magic."

"What the Gabe was that about," said Snipes

"Beats me," said Soldier, who had started to beat himself off because Merasmus was a sex god when he was angry.

Sniper sat on a chair, he was sad because his member was still dripping blood and it hurt :(

Outside of the rec room window there was someone spying in. He was getting all horny from watching Solider jacking it. "Good heavens just look at the time," said the spying Spy looking at his watch (on which every number was replaced with the word rape). And RED spy climbed through the window.

"Bonjour Gentlemen," he said to Sniper and Soldier "It's time to get raped ;D"

Sniper sighed sadly, "Sorry Spook but Oi ain't in the mood."

"Not in the mood? D:" Spy was confuzled by this (especially since this is a bad fanfiction where everyone is always horny). "What's the matter?" Spy asked.

"Oi can't take a piss and my penis is dripping blood" he sobbed.

"Don't worry," said spy, "I don't need your cock, all I need is that ass hole Australian god gave you," and Spy began to take of his clothes all sexily and Soldier wolf whistled. Butt all of a sudden… Soldier and Sniper looked very horrified. "What?" asked spy "I know that its big butt you don't have to be scared," He lolled. Seconds later there was a lot of hissing noises. "What the fuck?" Spy looked down to see that the slit of his dick was filled with teeth and was now sentient, snapping and growling.

"Ahhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrr, Kill it, Kill it," Shouted solider pining down Spy on the floor. Sniper grabbed a lamp from the side table beginning to beat the shit out of Spy's dick.

"Die hell spawn!" he shouted, bludgeoning it until it was flat and lifeless.

Merasmus walked back into the room with RED Demoman and RED Scout carrying a large book with the word Condom-Nomicon on it.

"HA, GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY," said scout to the three naked men.

"Shut up Scout," said Demoman "This is totally cereal."

"Indeed it is," said Merasmus, looking at Spy's limp, flattened, bloody, toothy cock. "Oh no, it's spreading quicker than I thought."

"What is asked everyone," Merasemus opened the book and did some magic, pulling a bottle of oil out of the magic. "Quickly rub your body's down with this magic oil." He hurried. "It will help to stop the evil from getting into your body via osmosis. (Osmosis /ɒzˈməʊsɪs/ 1. Biology, Chemistry, Bullshit: The movement of evil from high to low concentration through a semipermeable membrane.)

Everyone got naked and rubbed themselves with the oil so it would take longer for the evil to do its thing.

"Why is this happening discount Jafar?" asked scout.

Merasmus did a teleport to the outside and teleported the other with him. "Look," he said.

Everyone looked around at the outside world. Something wasn't right…. The sky was dark and the clouds were shaped like swastikas, birds were plummeting out of the air and everything was bathed in a Nazi red light.

Then RED Engineer came along (Engineer changed his name back to Engineer for when he isent making P0rnos because everyone startend to call him vagina which he didn't like.) Anyway… Engineer came along and said "Howdy y'all."

Hi Engie, "Demopan said," "Rum yourself with this oil"

Engineer did so and said "Have any of you noticed anything weird going on lately, I mean I woke up this morning and mah sentry was humping me in the face."

"Yeah," said demo "Sniper can't piss, Spy's dick grew teeth, there's dead burds on the floor and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

Everyone turned around….

"SIEGE HEIL," said Hitler, parting the clouds in the sky.

" D: OH HELL NO," said Solider "NOT IN MY AMERICA!" and he walked up to Hitler an American flag appearing randomly behind him "HITLER, YOU SON OF A BITCH! DO YOU SEE THIS GREAT LAND? THIS IS AMERICA! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE, NO NAZIS ALOWED GTFO. **GOD BLESS AMERICA!"** And solider did a saluted to the flag and got an erection for America because he was that much of a patriot.

Everyone cheered Soldier on for his retarded speech (-Totally didn't steal this line from someone else ;3 .)

Hitler winked at solider and laughed. "Nein, Nein, Nein!" he said and continued to pollute the world with essence of evil.

"Well I tried," said solider "We better all go buy some lederhosens and learn German D:::="

"No Soldier," Merasmus said "We still have a chance to fix this, but we has to act quick"

"Everyone nodded and knew that this had to be done to fix the Hitler problem they were having."

"Quick merasmus" saod "to the infirmary."

**** One loading screen later ****

They were all at the infirmary and Scout banged on the big metal door wit his baseball back. "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR FAGS" He YELLED." Suddenly the door opened and everyone went "ewwwwwww," RED Heavy had answered the door…. without a shirt on….

"What do you want?" asked Heavy all rushenly cause he is rushen. "Am busy feeding babies," he said, the two twin twins suckling on his chubby, hairy, lactating man nipples. "This better be important."

"HEAVY," ENGINEER EXPLAINED COS HE IS GOOD EXPLANER "HITLER HAS RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND HE IS SPREDING EVIL IN PLACES AND THE EVIL CAUSED SPYS DICK TO GROW TEETH AND SNIPER COULDN'T TAKE PISS BUT THEN HE PISSED BLOOD AND MY SENTRY HUMPED ME IN TA FACE AND EVERYTHING!

Heavy was confused. "Wow that sucks but what does this have to do with heavy he asked"

"Nothing," sayid Merasmus "We're here to talk with Medic."

"Oh," said Heavy who was sad cause he though story might be about him. "Medic is asleep now… come back later."

But Soldier was like "Fuck that," and barged past him, into the infirmary. (Heavy would have bitch slapped him out again but he is good dad and does not want kids to see violence between anyone but loving parents.)

So everyone walked into the operation room where RED Medic was sleeping covered in chains, hippies and whip marks.

"Get up GET UP!" said Merasmus.

Medic rolled around on the ground in a puddle of navy (a lot of sea men). "Go avay, fess…"

Merasmus majiced up a boot and used it to kick the lazy fuck in the side.

"Ouch, vhy vould you kick me?"

"Engineer," Merasmus said, "if you would be so kind."

Engineer took a deep breath "MEDIC," ENGINEER EXPLAINED COS HE IS GOOD EXPLANER "HITLER HAS RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND HE IS SPREDING EVIL IN PLACES AND THE EVIL CAUSED SPYS DICK TO GROW TEETH AND SNIPER COULDN'T TAKE PISS BUT THEN HE PISSED BLOOD AND MY SENTRY HUMPED ME IN TA FACE AND EVERYTHING!

Medic was confused. "Wow that sucks but what does this have to do with… wait did you say Hitler?"

Merasmus nodded "the evil is spreading throughout the land and pulled back ta blinds of the infirmary window.

"See red," said Soldier, "Oh… no that's blood." Outside it had started to rain blood and Hitler was saying things in German whilst raping the land of life.

Medic got those big OMG SO KAWAII anime eyes and the **BIGGEST** erection anyone had ever seen. It was so big that it made his pants rip and he quickly passed out from a lack of blood flow to the brain.

When he came back around he found himself in a wired room surrounded by women in white clothes with their hands rubbing all over him, _Vell zhis sucks _he thought (because they didn't have a penis so they pretty much sucked anyway) "Are you all vith ze KKK?"

"They're nuns. Virgin, whorish, horny nuns," said Demo "showing them away and helping Medic get to his feet. "This is my, Solly's and Merasmus's nunnery, you see continuity is very important to the author of this fanfish."

"Ah, very vell but vhy are ve here?"

"This is the only place that Hitler's evil has not touched yet, the walls here provide a safe haven as they are protected by the power of Gabe." He explaned.

"Demopan, Moodic, in here said scout going into a big room."

They followed him into a big room where everyone was (except RED Pie row cause he aint back yet) Merasmus had put the condom-nomicon on a table and had highlighted bits.

"Ah, good, are you ready for the exorcism fritz?" said soldier.

"Exorcism!? Vait backup Vhat Ze Fuck is going on"

"Fine…" said Merasmus starting to exposition (100% Historically Accurate) "You see Hitler is a pretty bad guy and all and he killed a few people once for the LOLZ."

Medic giggled and rubbed the bulge in his pants "Mmmm, ze LOLocaust, good times,"

Merasumus continued "but anyway he wanted to make a pure race but zen he died. But here in the Condom-nomicon (the book of everything fuck) it is written that the day a member of his masterz race shits on the face of what he died for by having der first secksy time with a dirty lesser race, Hitler will rise from the carpark and kill everyone so that he can start alllllll over again and make another master race. My guess is that Hitler got pissed when you let Heavy shove his meat fist in your anal glove"

Medic became all sad "Hitler wants to kill us all :( ?" he said in tears finding out that his idol was a bit of a dick hole, "But why would he want to kill me… I have all of his merchant dice and I rub my cock in-between the pages of Mein Kampf every night until it makes me cum."

"Dosen't matter he's still a cheesy cunt leaker who wants us all dead, we need to put a stop to this NOW."

Medic nodded "I understand and I'm prepared to do vhatever it takes".

Everyone Gathered Into A Circle To Discuss The Plan.

It was later now and they were ready to fix the little problem they were having.

"Alright doctor do you remember your mission?" Merasy asked.

Medic tied a scarf thing around his head. "YOU BET YOUR TIGHT SCOTISH ASS THAT I DO, I NEED SOME CIRIAL CIGARETTS FOR THIS SHIT." And he grabbed hold of Spy's disguise kit and smoked all the cigarettes he had in one go before snogging Hover in the mouth. "PROMIS ME SOMETHING HEAVY IF I DON'T COME BACK… I WANT YOU TO KILL YOURSELF AND OUR CHILDREN SO THAT RACIST FUCK CAN'T.

"I will doctor, I promised," and they hugged goodbye all gayley. Before Medic went into the time travel portal that merasmus had made with his madgic.

Once on the other side of the time portal medic found himself outside of the base. It was a bright sunny morning and the birds were still alive and singing. It was the day when the supply train had dropped off some crates and the day that he had lost his anal V-card. He thought about going to the shop and buying a lottery ticket (cause it is the past and he knew the right ticket to get) but diddnt cause then hitler might still kill everyone and he needed to stay focused on the mission. He looked at his watch.

"Scheiße, I only have 26.66 minuets to do this. I have to hurry," So he ran fast like SONIC to the infermery where he was sleeping in the past and went inside.

When he got there he took out his vainey German sausage and placed it in his past self's mouth. "Wakey, wakey swinehund," He said.

His past self half opened his eyes. Go avay spy, Im trying to sleep he said.

"I'm not a Spy" said Medic "I'm you, but from 9der der0 the future, I vas sent here on a very important mission by a scotish Vizard to take my own virginity and stop Hitler from getting pissed at me for having sexual congress vith a Russian."

"Passed Medic looked sceptical" "How stupid do you zhink I am Spy, fuck off, I'm tired and I vant to sleep before zhe supply train arrives."

"Hmmmm," said medic thinking of how he could convince his past self that he wasen't a spy. Then he snapped his fingers "I have it!" And he began to gouge out his right eye using the thumb and index finger of his left hand leaving a bloody cavernous hole where his eye should have been.

"GOTT IM HIMMEL!" said past Medic "THAT'S SO… SO…"

"SEXY? I know" said Medic who's eye was healing back in place (THIS WORKS CAUSE MEDICS REGENERATE HEALTH AT 3-6 HEALTH PER SECONDZ AND DEY ARE DE ONLY CLASS THAT DO THIS NATURALY SO IT PROVES HE IS NOT A SPAH, NO HATE PLZ).

"So your not a spy then? Past medic asterisked."

"Nein, I am not I am you and I am here for a reason. We are gonna have sex… We're gonna lose are virginitys togetehr and it's gonna be fabulous." And with that Medic grabbed Medics legs and spread them apart so that he could delve into that dirty puckered virgin hole.

"No bitte, I don't vant zis I am saving myself for Herr Heavy =::("

"Vell I vant zhis and I am you so ummmmm" and he stook out his tongue at him. **(((((NOTE! PEOPLE THIS IS NOT RAPE BECAUSE HE IS HIM SO TECHNECLY HE IS HAVING SEX WITH HIMSELF WHICH MEANS THAT HE IS MASTRUBATING WHICH IS NOT ILLIGAL TODO WITHOUT YOUROWN PERMISSION!111111))))))**

So Medic slipped his schnitzel into the past Medics Strudel and they started to do that crazy thing (called Homosexueller Geschlechtsverkehr (Why so many letters Germany? It makes my job so much harder :( )).

"OHHHHHH" Medic cried "I never knew I vas zis tight."

The other Medic was sad cause he was having himself inside of him which felt very weird and he was not a narcissist (like a certain person we know hey Beckster, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) so he was not turned on.

Then Future Medic was like "Now is the time Herr doktor!" and he slammed inside one last time filling his own ass with his warm medical healing ointment."

Past Medic started to cry. Now I know how my whore of a vife feels vhen I pimp her out to demoman, fucking bitch. (Medic hates his wife because she married him for his money while he was drunk at Oktoberfest and she does not have a penis so he refuses to fuck her cause he is not a whore.)

Future Medic pulled out causing past medic to evict his bowls on the infirmary floor. Then Archimedes (Medics fav pet dove) delved into the pile of warm dung coating his clean white feather with the doctors excrement. "ARCHIMEDES NO!," Medic scolded "IT'S FILTHY IN ZERE!"

"You might vant to vear a tampon up zere from now on" Future Medic ROFLED. BUT then Future Medic noticed something very bad. "You haven't come yet!? And sex isn'nt over till we've both done."

Then future Medic got on his knees and let his tongue flick in and out of the slit of past Medics member wetting the entrance of the urethra, ready for the penetration.

Genteelly future Medic pushed his middle finger inside of past Medic erect member, making past Medic cry out in short sharp gasps and arch his back.

"Übervoll, übervoll, bitte STOP!." Past Medic squirmed trying to pull away from the man violating him.

"Come over here," the dominant of the two doctors smirked "I promise I vill heal you." Then future Medic eased out his finger, and placed the head of his cock in line with the head of the other doctor's hardon. Past Medic whimpered as he felt his erect penis having another erect penis been forced inside of it. After a minuet or so of thrusting the two Medics began to finger each other's arseholes quickly finding one another's prostate (which was easy because they fingered themselves regularly). Future Medic suddenly felt an immense amount of pressure against the head of his dick.

"I'm coming |O - orgasm face fail." Said past Medic.

And future Medic pulled out allowing the viscose liquid to flow out of his past counterpart. "Oh, so Kawaii."

Future Medic looked at his watch "I still have a few minuets," he said "vant to make out?"

"Ok." said the past Medic.

A few minutes later Medic left the infirmary with his clothes on backwards. "Vow," he said "I sure know how to make me feel like a voman." But all of a sudden… His pants started to vibrate. "Oh mein handy? (Cheers Bekster I finaly got a chance to use this) and Medic pulled his mobile phone out of his crotch. "Hallo, Who is it?"

"It's Merasmus," said Merasmus "is it done."

"Ja, mission accomplished," said Medic happily.

"Good, now I'll tell you how to get back. First close your eyes."

Medic closed his eyes.

"Then tap the heels of your jackboots together three times and say to yourself 'I love to get boned."

Medic clicked his heels together and started to say "I love to get boned." Over and over again. Meanwhile all the other mercenaries gathered around Merasmuses mobile (which was on loud speaker) and laughed at Medic confirming he was a little bitch who took it up the shitler.

"You pranking cunts," said Medic.

"LOL we're only fucking with ya fritz, don't go Nazi on us." And Merasmus clicked his fingers to teleport Medic back.

"DOCTOR," Heavy Creamed (a combination of screaming and creaming your pants), "AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE BACK! 3 3 3 3" (I ships them soooooooooooooooooo bad :3)

But before they could make out….…

"OH YEAH!" said Hitler smashing through the wall of the nunnery. "I'M BACK BITCHES."

"OMFG" said everyone.

"How can you be back?1!? said Me dick. "I had sex with myself in the past so the first person I had sex with was a German so that you wouldn't come back from the dead."

"Hitler LoLED You had sex with yourself DUMMKOPF, I count that as masturbating so it dosent count."

Merasmus looked at the condom-nomicon again and relised he'd missed that sentence. Then he facepalmed (Should have gone to Specsavers.)

"Now," Hitler began I'm going to kill you all."

Solider ripped off his shirt "WE WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH NAZI… just give us a minuet for setup time plz X3"

Hitler rolled his eyes "Fine."

So setup time bagan. Medic charged his Über and Engie set up a sentry, everyone else fucked around because there was nothing else to do in set up time.

Announcer said "Mission begins in… 5… 4… 3… 2…" and then the siren went off signalling the start of the fight.

"NAZI POWER!" said Hitler throwing swastikas at everyone doing massive splash damage (Except on Medic because he had immunity to Nazi). So everyone ran back to medic for da healz.

"The German… it's too strong," said Sniper.

"Yeah, he gonna rape us all," said Scout.

Medic struck a heroic pose using his 'Meet The Medic Taunt' that he bought from the Mann Co. store for £1.99 ($ Can't be bother to work out). "I am immune to the German I VILL SLAVE YOU," and he walked up to Hit ler all confident.

"Am Gonnna FUCK U UP" Medic said.

Hitler Laughted "Nope . Avi " and they started to bitch slap each other. After a minute or so of girly bitch slaps. The two Germans began to run their hands thought each other's hair and make out.

"OHHH," Medic moned "I always vanted to kiss a man vith a mustash, esecialy one as thick and full as yours… tell me… is your cock also this well endowed?…

Hitler raised his eyebrows and smiled a mile, begaining to unbutton his pants to show Medic his crotch saluting.

With Hitler distracted merasmus majiced up a Hanukkah menorah (you know those crazy Jewish candles) and passed them to Spy.

"Go on ya backstabbing bastard," said Sniper nodding to Spy who nodded back before cloaking himself.

Then Spy materialised behind distracted Hitler and used the candles as a butterfly knife forcing them into Hitler back. *CRITICAL HIT*

"NOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111111111111111111111" cried Hitler the Jewishness sapping his German causing him to collapse on to the floor in the early stage of been dead "I vas killed by a Frenchman because I vas distracted by some hot German bootay… Curse my raging homosexuality."

Medic did a troll face "I would never have sex with a man with one testical" he laugthed.

"Medic" Hitler said with his dyeing breath.

"Ja, mein Führer,"

"Do you know how copper vireing vas invented?" Medic shook his head.

"Two Jews fighting over a penny."

And Medic and Hitler Laughed until Hitler was Dead.

"Well now I've seen everything," Engineer said, kicking Hitler lifeless corpse. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now.

After the story…

Sniper used Hitler's body as target practice for his sniping.

Spy flogged the Jewish candles that killed Hitler on EBay for a ton of money and bought stocks in Mann Co. He also got Medic to heal his flattened cock.

Engineer went back to Hollywood to film a new Prono.

Solider, Demo and Marasmus had to become builders for a while so they could fix the hole that Hitler had made in the building when he Kool-Aid manned his way in.

Scout went to visit his whore of a ma… yep that's it.

Heavy and Medic found that there twin baby's had become horrid deformed piles of flesh. "How could this happen?" Heavy asked and Medic gasped.

"I must have gotten myself pregnant vhen I had sex vith myself," He worked out. They both oh said "NO!" it was the worst kind of incest, incest with yourself. So Medic had to put the deformed offspring out of their misery by having a really late term abortion. Then Medic was very sad and decided that He was going to go away for a while so kissed Heavy goodbye.

And, finaly, Merasmus looked off into the distance and squinted his eyes. There was a figure approaching them over the horizon. It was… Pyro?

"Where the fuck have you been this whole story mumbles?" asked scout.

"Mmmph… Mmmmmmmph mmph mmph huudah mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph mmph mmmmmmph. Mmph mmph huuh mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph ANAL mmph mmph mmph hudah mmmmmph mmph mph. Mmmmmmmph mmmmph mmph huddah huh mmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mph. Mmph mmmmph mmph mmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph." Pyro explained, saying he had to walk back from Mexico. At first it mayed no sense why it took so long to walk back but then they relised that Pyro would have to walk very slow through Mexico because walking too fast would have disturbed the Mexicans natural laziness.

* * *

THE END… Or is it? … Yes.

* * *

Auathers Nose:

Tanks 4 reading m8s, don't forget to leave a review, I wuz reviews. (Also thx to ma m8 Beckster for tellin me what Handy means in German XD) Untill next time :D Have a Fine Existence.


	3. Chapter 3: Pyro's BIG Secret

Pyro's BIG Secret: A Tale of How Pyro Had a Secret.

* * *

Aut whores ote:

HELL LOW EVERYONE 1 ! So it's time for another chapter of mi store E... YAY! and I have come before you in this fine author cote to thank you for choseing to reading this bad faniction above the many others that are RED ally available to you on this fair inter web. To thank you for continued support by reading story I have a thank U 4 U… Thank You!

And on a less happy note I must ask for NO FLAMES PLEASES :3 because of the last chapter. You see, I am Flame retardant like the Pyrow and I use flames to spy check so there is not point fleming :"3

Talking of Pyro, this chapter is about the Pyro. He hasent gotten much lovin' yet bet I will make sure that she get's some hot flaming action this chapter. (Get it cos Pyro) =D.

Genre: Suspense/Horror

Rated B for Burn Baby Burn

WARNING: The forthcoming pile of anal matter contains: Well if you read the other 2 chapters you probably have an idea… ;P

Alright lets get on thith the story.

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning in Tuefort, New Mexico... again. Hitler was gone forever? (yeah he is), the Mann Co. store was once again selling useless fucking hats, and RED Sniper was taking a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.

"Arrrrr… piss," grinned the Sniper, he had almost forgotten how good it felt to pee pee and not pee blood like licuid that was probably blood.

"Morning, Snipper," said RED Engineer getting his vagina wrench out of his pants, who was walking into the toilet cub icle which is where they was, so that he could piss.

"Engineer! Your back…" Said Sniper "hoe was HollyWood?"

Engineer chuckled, remembering good times in LOLlywood (Enginear calls it LOLlywood because he met some people there while making Pornos and they all did some laughting) "Pretty nice weather there actualy, you should cum. With me next time.

Sniper smiled "all hot watching the Texans piss splash sexily in toilet bowl. "I would like that mate" he smelled and started trying to kiss engineer in the mouth to thank him for been promising to take him to Hollywud because Sniper liked to travel in his filthy metal van he called a home and he had never been to Hollywood and he had a piss fetish.

"Easy partner," ROFLED Engineer in his super sexual Text ant ascend, putting his woman punishing organ back in his overalls "save that for the Porno."

"Porno :D," Sniper purred with a sly grin of a million Swipers. He loved a bit of P0rn and Engie made TA BEAST P0RNZ, they always built up the characters well and had a satisfactory resolution which left the watcher to draw their own conclusions about the deep conundrums of philosophy that were tackled throughout the films… They also had sexy as fuck prawn stars in them. "Oh PLZZZZZ can we watch it."

Engineer nooded yes. "I thought it would be a good group activity to keep up team morale," he explaneing and taking out a RED-ray of his P0rno (LOL gat it :D (Seriously thought I was looking up Blu-rays on the internet and there actually spelt blu-ray. Yeah, weird, do they mean 'blu' as in 'Builders League United'!? So if Builder League United in TF2 owns Blu-ray, TF2 is owned by Valve, Valve is owned by Gabe, Gabe also made Half Life 2… then that MUST mean…. EPISODE THREE CONFIRMED!1111)).

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Sniper (Both excited at the P0rnz and Episode Three) and sniper shook his dick a bit to get the droplets of fine fresh urine to drip from the entrance of his jarate dispenser. Then him and Engie went to the rec room which is where the red team kept their super Ghetto television that they got from demomans homeboys (because he is black so he gets things from ta hood).

"P0RN ROUND HERE" shouted Sniper REALLY LOD. All the other Mercenery herd this and got excited, stampeding into the room, their Pain is es readied for the Pornz (Except for Medic cause he is away on trip of self-discovery, und Heavy cause he is depressed and Pyro cause he isn't allowed to take his clothes off).

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerecting an erection," declared Engineer, B4 using his newly erected crotch monument to press play on the video player so that he wouldn't have to bend over.

Everyone snuggled onto the sofa together with a bowl of corn that was popped and the Porno started.

The title of the movie flashed on to the screen it was called… 'Joseph and his amazing technicolor rimjob'.

Scouts snortaled and said "HOT DANG this movie looks sexayyyegghhharrr," and he tensed up and ejaculated prematurely in to the poped corn because Scout if fastest class in TF2. (Insert your own joke about Scout been too fast here).

"FOOKING HELL," Said Demoman "you got some in my good eye"

Everyone larfed BCAUSE it was funny and they began to pleasure there womb raiders by jackin it REALLY hard starting to get fricxtion burns on there hands from the fiction.

But Then something UBER BAD happened … "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING1?! IM UP TO MA CHESTBOLLOCKS IN PAPERWORK AND YOU'R HAVING A GAY ORGY?!"

"Oh Hi Miss Pauline :D" said Soldier turning to look at her, his two headed pocket rocket looking menacingly at her with its weeping eyes. "What brings you to the base today?"

Miss P threw up a bit in herr mouth because it was kinda grouse. "I'm holding a meeting in the meeting room and I want every1 to be der because I say that it is of the importance."

"Awwwww," said Sniper "do we has to? We were just starting to get to the good part, joseph was going to get a rimjob from each of his 11 brothers and his dad."

"NOPE . Avi … yeah actually you do."

And sniper and everyone sad faced but he knew that it had to be of the ↑ most importance if Mss Pauline was holding a meeting.

So… Slowly everyone gathered in the meeting room, rather pissed they were missing the rimjobs.

"Take a seat please said miss Pauline," We have some VERY importance stuff to get through today."

Once everyone was seated Miss Pauline scratched her very much face and said "Spy, would you come up here for a moment please?"

Spy smiled and walked up to the front of the room where Miss Pauline was making sure to maintain his erection as he walked. This way it would bounce all sexually and she would see how big his yogurt slinger was which would impress her and make her want to sleep with him. (This made Sniper and Scout anger though because Spy tolled Sniper he had stoped flirting with other people and Scout really wanted to tap Miss Pauline's sweet ass.)

"Now Spy," said miss Paulime "would you please take of your plants."

"But of course," said speye and Spy and he undidid his belt and pulled down his pants.

Everyone looked at Spy's long baguette, it was very classy looking and had a little beret on the end and pencil moustache drawn on just below the 4 foreskin. It also smelt like French. Spy is French.

"C'est magnifique non?" Spy said, looking for the approval of his colleagues.

The other Mercenary's whispered to each other to come to a decision. Then they all held up pices of paper with the Letter 10 drawn on them and Phy scored a perfect 10/10 for his French horn. (Simon Cowell did not vote though because he is not in TF2)

"Excellent," said spy, "Well now the moment has passed, back to work." And everyone ran to try and get out of the door to get back to watching Pornz. But they all tried to exit at once and they got stuck.

Miss Pauline role her eyes. "If you all don't get back right now I will smash that shiting Porn video and then no one will be able to watch any Porn!"

"But Miss Pauline…" Everyone complained.

"No buts! Now get back in here before I get out the Rabbi and the disciplinary shotgun, and have u all circumcised.

Everyone sulked back in and pouted like they were taking duck faced selfies. Miss Pauline was taking in a angry breath of air she walked back over to Spy, und grabed a tight hold of his crotch stabbing apparatus, then dragged him back to the front of the room, emasculating the French in front of everyone.

"OUCH! YOU'RE BENDING IT!" Spy wailed, but Miss Pauline had had it up to Spy's penis and she was cutting the bullshit and getting work done like the independent woman SHE WAS."

"Stand there and don;'ty move," she trolled spy and Spy did it because he dident want his cock to be bent because no one wants to look at a wonky willy.

"All right gather round everyone she said," holding up a magnifying glass over Spy's Pubes.

Everyone gathered around and looked at the crotch forest of thick, black, oily pubes.

"Do you see it?" She asked. Everyone squinted their eyes, and suddenly they sore it. Nestled in Spy pubes was a cluster of pubic spycrabs.

"Arrrrrrrrrgggggggh," screamed soldier, proceeding to punch spy square in the groin which, in turn, caused the Frenchman to pass out because of the pain. "KILL THEM!"

Everyone quickly grabbed a holed of Soldier, who was now repeatedly stomping on Spy's crotch, and attempted to restrain him. "Filthy Fucking French!" He cried, "HOW DARE YOU SPREAD YOUR'E STDS IN MY AMERICA!11"

"Whoah there Soldier," Engineer said with voice of calming whale, "you don't have any spy crabs in your pubic hair so don't worry."

Miss Pauline shook her head, "Not quite Engie, spy crabs are very contagious you see, any of you horny cunts could be infected if yove been fucking each other. Because of this, the law requires that each of you be examined by the team physician."

Everyone looked worried. "But he fucked off a month ago," explaining Scout.

"I know dis," said MS Pauline "So I need one of you to play doctor and get us through this rough time… who fancies making a fuck ton more money?"

"OOH PICK ME," said Demoman stumbling around and sipping a bottle of Santa's Butt (Which is good beer fromt Englands which is nearer to scotland).

"Go home Demoman, you're drunk," Soldier said "Miss Pauline, I will handle this burden and generously larger paycheque."

"Do you have any medical training?" Pauline asked.

"Ummm, I got an A+ in home economics. I baked a pineapple upside down cake and the teacher said that mine was ta best 1.

"Yeeeaaahhh…. This isn't working, sorry Solly." And soldier :( faced "How about you Engineer, You have a couple of PHDs."

"Well ma'am…" Engie chuckled all humble pie "I don't mean to sound too big for ma britches but… actually… yeah, I do mean to sound too big for ma bitches, I worked hard for that shit, fuck it." And everyone clapped because engineer was alright and not a bad guy so they were happy for his success at Texan uni where he was only person their cause everyone else was busy buggering there family members, but Engineer was smart and his grandpa tolled him while skiing 'If you bugger your family members, you're gonna have a bad time.' Which was right because it meant he became successful nerd instead of hillbilly. He Had Evolved.

"I like your confidence Engineer," miss Pauline orgasemed from his sexy accent "the job's your, congrats."

"Engineer shook head, You don't understand Miss I'm a doctor of engineerinz not a doctor of medicinez, I'll probably have a bad time. Also I'll feel like gay prostitute cause I'll be getting paid to look at and touch naked men."

"Don't worry," said miss Pauline "People are a lot like machines, you'll do fine. Also been a gay prostitute is a respectable carreah path, gays need prostitutes too. Now here's your first pay check get looking at dem crotch afros."

And miss pauline left engie with some doctor cloths and said "Engineer, if there is still a single spycrab left in any of these mens crotches when I get back then you're gonna have a bad time," and then she ominously drove away in her car.

Engineer looked worried, the health of the teams tackle was in his hands. And then the teams tackle was in his hands as he felt there balls and penises one by one and checked in their public hair for the little parasites. Afterwards his hands smelt like the balls and man sausage of many sexually ambiguous men.

"Alright", said Engie, "Heavy, you're clean." And Heavy started to bowl loudly and wipe long streams of runny dripping snot away from his nose.

"Am sorry Engineer, but Heavy is sad ='(" And then he ran upstairs crying to his room to write depressing poetry, dye his hair and play electric guitar really loud (But no one cares til next chapter cause it is plot device)

"What about the rest of us who arnt depressed and have had sexings lately?" Demoman asked.

"Bad news I'm afraid: Sniker, Soldier, Demo, Merasmus and Scunt, you all have spycrabs from doin sex… and… so do I." Engineer OMG faced O:

"Well Fook," said Demoman asking, "What do we do now?!"

Soldier Smacked his hand against his third leg and scratched it furiously. "There must be something in the infirmary to cure spycrabs." He said. Everyone agreed with him except edgineer who had had had a god idea.

So Soldier, Demon, Merasmus, Sniper and Scout went to break into the infermery with Soys lifeless limp body slung over their shoulders to try and find an antidote.

Engineer still had to look at Pyros naughty bits though because he had not been examined yet, but this was a good because it was part of his plan to get rid of the Spycrabs so that he would not have a bad time. Then He went to look for πrow. While looking for Pyro he began to wonder what pyros Pubes look like, with most people yo can tell what there pubes look like because they will have similar features to there face but Engie had never seen Pies face.

"3.14159 row, yah hear" he asked, walking into the rec room.

Pyro was there and was taking the batteries out of the fire alarms so that there was a better chance that a firewood start, and Pyro clapped her hands togerhter and giggled because Pyro like fire.

Before conversation engaged Engineer took look at his friend's crotch and wondered if Piero had a big penis (Engineer is from Texas so he likes rly big things).

"Hi Pyro," Engie said with big smile of Texus.

"Mmmph!" mumbled eye roe, smiling through his gas mask, "Mmmph, mm mph mmmpph hudah huh?"

"Oh this?" Engie said pointing to the weird dhite woctor clothes he was wearing what miss pauline gave him. "I'm gonna be the team doctor 4 a bit."

"Huddah C=" said Pyro congratulating and giving a thumbs up.

Engineer suddenly started to blush all cute like cause he can a liked Pyro (but don't tell ;) ) and he was all embarrassed to ask Pyro to take his clothes off even though he was now doctor N it had to be done.

"Pyro I need you to burn some spah crabs 4 me, can U do that?" Pyro nodded, he would do anything for Engineer.

"Oh and I don't mean to sound like a perv or nothing but since any of us could have this STD I have to look ay ya crotch too, so if you'll just take off your clothes for me…"

"Hmmmp," said Pyro crossin' her anrms doin this face :( Pyro would do anything for Engineer, but he wouldn't do that.

"Cum on don't be difficult," Engineer noised.

"Hmmmp."

"PYRO!"

"HMMMP."

And Engineer becam a man of furry because he need ed to know if Pyro had STD, "I'll say this one more time, TAKE YOUR DAM CLOTHES OFF," and he lunged at Pyro to take of his clothes. Pyro is third fasted class though and did move out of way.

"Mmmmph, HMMMP!" said Pyro starting to cry and he cried and he ran away to somewhere which isn't where they are now.

"Pyro, wait!" said Engine feeling bad for forcing himself on Pyro to take his clothes off and he went to follow pyro but Engine is shortest class and he triped over the doctor clothes he was wearing cause they were to long.

Pyro sat down ontop of roof of RED base and started to dry his gasmask eyes.

"What's the matter Pyro?" said an extremely black voice. Pyro turned to see that it was one of his many apparitions Balloonicorn.

Pyro did sigh "It isn't fair Balloonicorn," Pyro said in Pyro talk so like 'MMPH MMP MMMHPH'. "All of the other mercenaries have caught an STD and I haven't," and he started to cry again be cause it wasent fun 2b different.

Balloonicorn looked at her confused with his black man pony-horse eyes, "Sheryl that's a good thing though/" he said.

Pyro shook his head, no you don't UNDERSTANDZ" and then she was going to explan but enjeeneer then cam onto roof and baloonicorn poofed away. Pyro looked at engineer with big sad eyes that made him look very cute like dead kitten (because it is cute but sad).

"Pyro," said Engineer, "I'm sorry that I tried to take your clothes off and that that made you sad but I really need to check your crotch garden and make sure that you haven't got an STD, if I don't Miss Pauline will pop a cap in ma ass.

Pyro did more misrable and looked at engineer so sadly that it would have made flaccid penis look happy and said. "Mmmmph mmph mm mmmmmmph mmph huddah huh huh mmph."

Engineer was cannon fused "What do you mean you know you haven't got an STD, we can't be sure of that unless you get tested."

BUT THEN PYRO SAID (IM GONA DO PYROS TALK NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE === Mmmph mmph so that you will know what's going on, so from now on whenever you see [] it means it's in pyro talk)… "[I'M A VIRGIN! ):::= ]

"OMGWTFBBQ!" Yelled Engineer and Balloonicorn combined (balloonicorn didn't actually poof away he just not visible to everyone but piro) and they were so shocked of Pyros big secret that that they both had to have a sitting down.

After a sitting down engineer had gathered enough no shockedness to talk again.

"I'm sorry Pyro but that was quite a shock. I don't think that I have ever med a virgin BE4, it's a very straneg experience 4 me."

Pyro nodded, he understood even though it was hard to hear. "[You don't think that I'm an abstinence slut do you?]" She asked.

"No, of course not," lied engineer because it was selfish to the world to keep your virginity for more than a few days after becoming fuckable. "I'm just wonduring though, why would you want to be a virgin? This is a bad fanfic, sex is pretty much all that we do, your missing out."

["I don't want to be"] Pyro admitted ["But I can't make sex because Gabe says I can't take my clothes off because then he can't troll people D:"]

Engineer felt very sorry 4 Piero and patted his head "Poor Pyro," he said "That's horrible. THEN Engineer had a plane. "I had sex once, I know that that is how you lose your virginity, I will help you get laid if then you will help me get rid of spycrabs because U are spy checking class."

Pyro clapped his hands together ["OMG you… you mean it…"] she said thinking that this was a grate deal.

"Hell yes," said engine. And pyro hugged him sweetly.

Saying ["THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU"]

*********MEANWHILE AT THA INFERMARY…*********

"HOW THE FUCK DO WE GET IN," said demon man "THE DOOR'S LOCKED."

"I should have known the door would be locked," said doldier "Nazis invented locking doors to keep jews from getting out of constipation camps." Then Soldier did some thinking the hard, then he got an idea thst did not involve using doors. "Merasmus can you madjic us inside?"

Merasmus cleared his oesophagus and said "DE-POOTIS-SEX-MORTIS!" There was a big cloud of greenness and next thing they knew there was a big magic Portal in the wall. Soldier stuck his head into the Portal and looked around.

"My god," said Soldier. The other side of the Portal looked exactly similar to the RED base except… Everything was BLU? And then soldier relised something….. It WAS the BLU base!111!1!1!11111111111111!1. "Close it, CLOSE IT. Said Soldier and Merasmus Closed the Portal.

"What happened lad?" asked Devil man.

Soldier calapsed onto the floor and curled into a ball. "It was horibal," he wimpered "Imagin us and our base… but blue." Everyone shuddered horrified, it sounded like living hell.

"Im sorry Soldier said Merasmus "I'll be honest with you… I'm not a very good wizard, I really bad at spellin'."

Sniper rolled his eyes and said "Uhhh," he sounded very frustrated with how long it was taking to break into the infirmary. Then he bad assaly walked away saying "I'll be back".

"Scout took his baste ball bat and attempted to smash the windows," It's some kind of smash pruff glass said scout."

Soldier got up angry "Fucking Nazis and there fucking glass, Y U NO BREAK"

But then "INCOMING!" Shouted Sniper as he revved up the engine of his camper van. Everyone quickly ran out of the way as Sniper drove his van full speed into the front door of the infirmary (terminator style) and smashed down the door.

"Sniper," said Demo "That was bloody brilliant!"

Sniper smiled and did hat tilt like he does on class select page when he tits hat.

Everyone went into the infirmary to look for a spycrab cure.

"I can't read any of these medicines," said Scout "it's all in Herman"

Soldier looked at the bottles of mediseen Scout had found. The first medicine said 'IchkannkeinDeutsch' and the second one was called 'GottseiDankfürdasInternet' Soldier became angry ignorant American "Why can't everyone just speak American,"

"You mean English?" said Demoman

"American English, the English of America." Answered soldier. Demoman was going to say something back but then Sniper said.

"Look what Oi found in the fridge mates." Everyone looked at Sniper, he was holding an array of jars, each one filled with weird looking white stuff.

Soldier came closer for a look and RED the labels on the jars. "Sperma?! What the hell is that?"

"Who knows" said Sniper "All I know is that we should try everything in here, something has to be a cure."

"Good plan," said Soldier scratching his crotch furiously because the spycrabs were very itchy, "grab one of everything and let's go practice medicine."

Together they left the infirmary.

"So…" said Sniper "who's gonna be the one we test the drugs on?"

"NO WAY," said tuocS really fast because Scout is fast.

"NEGATORY," Said reidloS

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!" said Merasmus.

"I'm drunk," said Demoman.

"Well Oi'm not doing it," said Sniper. And then they all had same idea telepathically and looked at Spy. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Everyone nodded to each other and then did rape face like in 'Tom and Jerry Movie' when that guy rapes ice cream truck (Has anyone seen that movie that is always my favourite scene).

"Sacré bleu," said Spy who was slowly starting to come around. He looked around the room that he was in. He was in a little room with one light that hung from the ceiling sexily like a limp penis. "Where am I?" he asked trying to stand up before realising that he was tied down to a chair.

"We're in the broom cupboard," said Sniper from behind him.

"Why?" asked Spy

"Well we found some stuff in the infirmary that might get rid of the spy crabs and we need someone to test them on."

"Oh Hell Non," said Spy.

Soldier did angry face of America and came out of dark place in the cupboard, "Don't be such a French FAGGOT," he said angrily "take one for the team."

Then Sniper grabbed hold of Spy's head and forced his mouth open whilst the other mercenaries shoved many different kinds of drugs down his French gullet like a goose farmer does when they make Pâté until they had poured all drugs down Spy's throat.

"Any luck yet," said Demo.

"Nah, bastards are still there," said sniper using his sharp sniper eyes to see the spycrabs from far away (Sniper can do this because he has good eyes to see things far away so that he can snipe good especily with scope).

"All right" said Shoulder, "try the sperma." So every one grabbed a jar of sperma and forced the white, salty liquid down Spy's throat, making cum gurgling noises as this happened. "Quiet down, it's no worse than most French cuisine."

Engineer walked into the cupboard and did a face plam "NOW THAT'S JUST GAY!" he said looking at the five men forcing a naked spy to drink jars of refrigerated jizz.

"Engineer, get over here and help us pour sperma down spys gob," said Demo.

"I'm afraid that Y'all have to do that yourselves," Engie answered "I'm helping Pyro get laid without making gabe angry then he'll burn the spycrabs to death for us."

"What do you mean making gabe angry?" asked Scout "What does gabe have to be angry about."

"Well," engineer talked "Pyro can't take have sex like us because he can't take his clothes of because then Gabe would have to stop trolling people, but I promised her I'd get him laid so that he'd lose her virginity."

"Virginity?!" ROFFLED everyone so hard that they started to cry from lathing. Pyro came into rume and looked embarrassed.

"Stop been arseholes," said Engineer "it ain't Pyros fault."

["Yeah you guys are mother fucker foot suckers"] said Pyro.

Everyone suddenly looked guilty because it wasent pyros fault that gabe liked to troll. "Ahh, we're sorry mate" sadi Sniper.

"Yeah, I feel like such a knob," said Merasmus… but then merasmus had an idea, a brilliant, retarded idea. "Pyro I can help you get coke and pussy without pissing off gabe," he said and then he did teleport away him Pyro and Engineer.

"What do we do now?" asked demoman seeing that the sperma wasent getting rid of the spy crabs either. And then Soldier had an idea, a brilliant, retarded idea.

"To Engineer's work shop."

*********MEANWHILE AT A BIG WALL THAT IS GOOD FOR MAGIC…*********

Merasmus magiced up a BLU berry pie and smashed it over pyros head making his suit a weird purple colour.

"Wll it nearly BLU," said and thought merasmus.

["Why are you trying to make me BLE"] asked Pyro.

"Merasmus smielled and said. It is a brilliant idea, am gonna make you blu and then you can sneak into the blu base via my majic portal and you can bang the blu Pyro, the only other person who knows what a Pyro looks like naked, that way it won't piss off gabe."

My god that is beast idea Engineer and Pyro said.

So with Pyro a BLUish coulour he went through the magic portal to the BLU.

The BLU base was very weird looking because everything was a weird BLU colour and that was very strange to Pyro, thankfully though pie knew her way around because it was the same layout of the RED base only inverted and upside down.

_Well this isn't so bad _thought Pyro, but then…. A drunken BLU demoman stumpled in front of him and looked at him all sexily.

"You sMElL oF PAH, PAHrO, I'm gONna LiCK ya," and b4 Pyro could do anything Demoman started to lick him. Pyro didn't want to be licked by a drunk demoman but he fought that it would good four play 4 his first sex but then blu demo started to lick off the blu pie making him red again which would blow his cover so he hadoukened him using haduken taunt and killed him (which happened because there on different team) So Pyro had to burn the body to hid the evidence that he was RED N NOT BLOO. BUTT THEN FROM BEHIND HIM….

"MMMMPH MMPH MMMMMMMMMMPH MMPH D:" SAID BLU PYRO how was attracted to fire like flys to poop. Blu petrol quickly ran to demon man and used his airblast to extinguish him, but he found that he was completely burnd to shit which had been accelerated by the high amount of alcohol that was in demos blued that had made him more flameable. (Don't cry though cause blu demo will respawn and he will not be ded 4eva :D ) Blu PIRO Stood up and pointed his flamethrower at RED Peyerow ready for a piroe airblast joust, but to his surprise Red Pyro Droped her flame thrower and said.

["Please I just want to have SEX with you so that we can lose our virginitys, I know that U are a virgin too because U are also pyro."]

Blu Pyro stoped been angry and started to cry because he was reminded that she is only member of the BLU team how could not get good penetration and he knew it was selfish to be virgin. Then Blu Pyro looked up into Red pyro's gasmask eyes. They were big and Kawaii and chibi. Blu Pyro blushed through his gasmask and relised that it was his DESTINEY to lose his virginity to the enemy oyro. Alowly, Blu Pyro intrusted his hand to his Red counterpart and they started to rub gasmask nozzles together feverishly like they were doing eskimo kisses.

Red pyro felt a dull steady throb in between his legs and a growing wet patch appeared in the groin area of her asbestos suit. At first he thought that she had wet himself butt then he relished that she was just feeling happy. Looking down he was happy to see that blu pyro was also wet like slip'n'slide. Then Blu pyro couldn't wait any longer and dragged Red Pyro up to BLu Pyros bed room in the sleeping quarters where he sleeped and had bed which would be good palace for virginity exchanges.

Then blu pyro locked door and put on his favourite song which was 'Disco Inferno' by Glee (LOLZ I am jokin' it was by trammps) Red pyro sat on bed and waited 4 blu pyro to start sexy time (it would be impolite for him to start cause it is not his room).

Then blu pyro started to undoo his suit and showed Red pyro his hot, spicy, zesty jiggily Pyro Jugs. Red Pyro did O-mouth with gasmask and was more turned on. Then Blu Pyro did sexyist thing. He took out a bottle of hot sauce and poured it all over his big, soft, boob physics, tits; aggravating the nipples and making them burn and sting.

Red Pyro felt his fire poker start to twitch as it longed to rake the embers of Blu Pyro's fireplace. Gently red pyro undid his own suit and got out her own tits which were also very cool looking and big and would make good baby feeders one day. Both Pyros were an H cup and even thought they had gifted chests they cool boobs still sat perfectly in place because they were flawless and therefore braless and they stood perfectly in place like Porn boobs.

_OMG _Thought RED Pyro sexily whilst rubbing all fore boobs together _This is very sexy._

Then Blu Pyro lay on bed and pull down rest of suit and spred legs like butter on Heavy's sandvich leaving him in nothing but gasmask glove and boots.

Red Pyros Gassmask eyes glistened. B4 him was a big fat throbbing Pyro phallus and bellow that a plump, wet, jigglely virgin pussy that ozzed watery liquids.

Red pyro got his fingers out of his hand and rubbed them in hot sauce and rubbed them around the entrence to blu pyros never used vagina, which still had that new vagina smell. Then Blu Pyro passed Red Pyro a long object.

Red Pyro looked at it. It looked kind of like a dildo so pyro turned the switch on but it didn't vibrate? Instead the shaft of the device began to get hot and Pyro relised that they were blu Pyros hair curlers! (both pyros are part girl so they own hair curlers for aesthetic purposes). Then BLu pyro spred the lips of her crotch mouth and let RED pyro place the red hot hair accessory at his va J J entrence. The blistering heat of the hair curlers sizzled as it met the warm wet pussy juices, quickly evaporating off and filling the room with the pleasant aroma of cooked fish. Then red Pyro thrust it in completely in ripping through the blu pyros hymen and owning moans of approval. The Blu pyros virgin blood coated red pyros hand and the hair curlers, Red pyro then rubbed the blood from the hair curlers on to his milk mounds and squished the hair curler inbetween them big fun bags. The Blu pyro begged for Red pyros cook. Red pyro winked and stook his nice chunky penis inside the burnt blistering hole and started to fuck him. (He had seen this happen before on the discovery channel so he knew how penis on pussy action worked even though he was a sex noob).

Then all of a sudden RED Pyro's penis started to spasm like he had penis Parkinsons, and his member erupted like a volcano inside BLU Pyros furnace and filled the bush with flames of orgasm like a wildfire in Australia like what Sniper would talk about sometimes 'cause he's Australian. Then Blu Pyro came all up on Red Pie's Tar Tars and both their baby conveyor belts gushed women cum like a fire hydrant. Then they finished their Oargasems and all was well.

So Red and Blu Pyro cuddled for a little while but then it was time for red Pyro to leave. They hugged all gay but strait at same time because they have both parts like snails.

Then BLU Pyro braced himself as RED Pyro roundhouse kicked him in the uterus (because they are responsible, and want to make sure that they do not end up with unwanted child, like teens and Scouts Ma when she gave birth to Scout (Poor (literal) bastard))

So BLU Pyro waved goodbye and Red Pyro snuck back out of Portal to the RED base.

"OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!1, how was it?!" asked Balloonicorn in his very, very, very, BLACK African American voice.

["OMFG!1111111111 IT WAZ AMAZING BALLZZ"] Pyro said and he high-fives Balloonicorns whoff.

Then Merasmus closes portal like closing the fly of your pants if you're a man, and closing the fly of your vagina if you're a non-man.

"We're glad ya had fun on ya booty quest Pyro," Engineer said in Texan words "we can finally put all the unpleasantness of virginities behind us and get on with ore non virgin lives."

And all together they did a three way high five to show their unity. But then…..

Scout did running quickly towards them "Guys… Guys… good news… Soldier worked out a way to get rid of the spy crabs."

"He did?" said surprised Engineer, "Well that's great. I guess you won't have to burn all the spycrabs Pyro" (Pyro was a bit sad to not burn things but he was happy that she had lost her virginity so he cunt complain.)

"Yeah," said Sniper who had just came, "Look, clean as a dingo's dick," and he showed everyone his pubic hairs, there was no crabs.

Engineer gave them a thumbs up and then Scout said "cum on, let's give you guys a crotch spring cleaning as well."

************ONE SHORT INTERMISSION LATER************

"Why my workshop," asked Engineer with question what I forgot to put ? after (butt it's too late to change that now…)

"Well, we needed a teleporter and we didn't think you'd mind," So they all walked inside and Engineer went

"BWAHHH" like Ank Hill does in 'Monarch of the Mound' because he is also a Texan but of Arlen and not Beehive. In front of him was a naked Soldier who was squatting over a teleporta and shakeing his painis to get all of the spycrabs out of his groin mane and teleporting them somewhere else. "WTF, Soldier stop it."

"Why?" said Soldier "it works, I shake of my goons and the spycrabs fall out and end up at the other end of the teleporter and they can't get back cos its one way (Except in MVM but who plays MVM anyway)."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIK!1111111111, U cunt do that."

Soldier looked at the angry engineeeer and was a puzzle. "Boat why, Nothing bad 's happened and I've done nothing but teleport spycrabs for three days?"

Boot before Engineer could answer Engineer started to spasm…

"Spah's sappin' ma teleporter! O: " And engine grabbed his acheing head because his Spy der sense was tingling. Then he grabed Soldier by the aching painis and bent it in to the inverted locust yoga pose.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SENDING THEM…."

TO BE CONTINUED…

RIGHT NOW.

"OWCH SOP IT" SAID SOLDIER "I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IVE BEEN SENDING THEM, JUST STOP IT."

And then soldier and everyone went to where soldier had set up other end of teleporter. It twas tha infirmary.

_OMG_ thought everyone as they looked through the windoe. Inside of the operation room of the infirmary was a huge Spy crab the size of Sniper's camper van that had put a sapper on the exit of the teleporter. It walked around in the infirmary and did Spy's spycrab taunt with the disguise kit.

"D: they all formed into 1 big spycrab" said Engineer. And then soldier laughed and everyone except Engie and Pyro started to walk away.

"LOLZZZ we'll let Medic deal with that when he gets back ROFLMFAO."

"Noooooooooooooooo we have to kill it," Engineer cried, "Miss Pauline said that if I don't get rid of all the spycrabs, then I'm gonna have a bad time."

Everyone did a group gasp because they all rememberd last time somebody had a bad time with Miss Pauline (RIP 10th class)

"Fine then said" Demoman We'll kill it.

So everyone started to get ready for fighting the giant Spycrab.

Announcer said "Mission begins in 3… 2.. 1." And then the Mission to kill the Spycrab began.

Everyone ran into the room and started to fight the Spycrab.

"OMG! DIE," said Demoman using sticky bombs to blow up spycrab but it did not work and instead he acidentaly blu (lol get it) off his legs. "Oh Fook."

Then soldier shot rocket at Spycrab but the rocket did very little dagage because the Spycrab had A LOT of health and it snorted and started to do melee attacks cause now it was pissed from been attacked. Every1 dodged attacks but there own attack did not much damage.

Demoman crawled into the infirmary cuboard where he could get find some helth kits to reattach his legs. But in there he saw something very natsee looking. He looked himself at a very stange continer which had 'Jew Gas' written on the side. Then Demo O faced and relised that the hole infirmary was a ginat gas chamber which is why windows were special smash proff glass and why the door had been hard to break down with nazi lock because if gass chambers were easy to break out off there would be a lot more alive jews.

Pyro looked into the cupboard and sae the gas that Demo had found. Then Pyro thought OMG, he had an Idea for the jew gass. ["Everyone get out side"] said Pyro, and everyone did this because they relised that the idea was a good one. Then Pyro got out his fire axe by using mouse wheel to select melay weapon and he used it to smash pipes of jew gas cylinder filling the room with poisoners gas (The operation room is separate room to waiting room which is next to door which has hole from when Sniper drove van into it so gas would not asscapeey through the hole because hole is in waiting room and not operation room DEAL WITH IT).

The Spycrab started to gasp for air but Pierow did not because he has gasmask which masks the smell of gas so that he would not sufforcate. Then Pyro laugthed with and evil like laugth and dragged the axe across the floor making chafing noise of metal on cold concreat floor. Then Pyro raised the axe above his head and brought it down on the Spycrabs legs, shttering the knee caps and causeing fragments of bone to scater across the floor. Pyro giggled as the blood collectin in puddles on the floor and he proceeded to splash the blood into his face (because in Pyroland it looked like rainbow water and ballonicorn was giving him a thumbs up)

The spycrab was now gasping helplessly in both pain and lack of oxygen on the ground. Then Pyro held the spycrab down by it's neck using his foot and placed the blade of the axe in it's mouth. Smieling Pyro pushed down on the handle of the axe causeing the top jaw to separate from the bottom. Blood gushed from the tearing tissue as Pyro pushed down harder, ripping the top half of the skull from the bottom. Teeth, brains and blood poured from the corpse and Pyro lifted the top half of the head up over his body and allowed the soft gooey brain tissue (which looked like candy in Pyroland) to drop down onto his suit.

Then Ballonicorn said sadistically and blackly "Burn it, Burn it all :D"

Pyro smiled because he always burnt things when balloonicorn told him to and he used one of his napalm granades from his suit (which are only cosmetic in game but this is ma story so YOLO) and used it to blow up the body with firery explosion. Then he walked out without looking at explosion cause cool guys don't look at explosions.

"Victory," said the announcer ans Everyone outside was like WOOOOOOOOOOOOO and engineer wiped away worrying sweat from his head so that he was no lobger worried But then he remembered…

"OH SHIT, I STILL HAVE THE SPYCRABS N SO DOES MERASMUS!"

But Pyro raised finger of not worrying and said "Mmmp mmpmph mmph," saying that he would take care of it to thank them 4 getting him laid, then he pulled down Engineers and merasmusses pants and set there pubes on fire with a lighter burning all the parasite Spycrabs to death.

Then Miss Pauline drove her car from nowhere to where they wore and she got out of her car carrying a magnifying glass, and a gun to kill Engineer with if he failed in his endeavour to eliminate all the spycrabs in the facility.

Then she looked at everyone's pubes and gave Engineer a sticker with a smiley face on it so that everyone knew that he had done a good job.

"I knew I was doing the good thing when I hired you as temporary doctor, I guess I won't have to kill you." And engineer leacked some urine in releaf and everyone started to laught except for Spy who started to gag.

"OMJesus said everyone and they steped out of way of Spys vomit which shooted out of his mouth quicker that a scout and it shooted out so fast it was like a gun that was shooting. Spys white vomit was white because of all the sperma that he had been forced to danka and it was also full of some still intact drugs. Miss Pauline was very angery now from bin vomited on and grabed sick spy and took him behind building where he wood be shot with a super non-respawn gaben gun which was specialy made to stop person from resapwning and they wud be dead 4EVA!11111111111111111

Everyone backed away backwards 100m into base and they were all shocked that spy was now dead forever because he vomited Sperma and drugs on miss Pauline.

"Well now I've seen everything," Engineer said sadly, letting distraught sniper cry on his shoulder because he was crying about Spy been dead. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now. And it started to rain because it is Pathetic Fallacy.

After the story…

Sniper was sad that Spy was dead and sniper began to plan funeral 4 Psy, BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT SPY WAS NOT DEAD BECAUSE HE HAD USED THE DEAD RINGER AND SPY IS GOOD SPY AND SNORTS IN THE FACE OF DANGER, and him and Sniper had I'm glad you're not really dead sex, it was the most important sex.

Spy was happy that he was not really dead and he went to miss Pauline and apolojived for vomiting on her and he used his French powers of seduction to suduce her so that she would forgive him and he would not get shot, been French can be good sometimes even if everyone does prefer Italy.

Engineer wanted to ask Pyro out on a sex but he knew that Gabe would Rage so he went to ask permission from gabe first by going to the nunnery ho he asked gabe through nun powers and gabe wasent listening because he was too busy trying to work out how he could make more mony of people without making episode 3 and said yes bah mistake. Then Engie went with Pyro out on a sex.

Pyro and Engineer went to KFC and bought kfc which was very greasy and made good lube then they hadded Kentucky Fried Sex. Pyro let Engineer touch his Pyro puppies and they were so super hots that Engineer forgot all about them both having a penis. Then Engineer said "I've seen better vaginas been run over by a combine," (because vaginas look like cheap meat poor people buy at supermarket) but pyro knew that it was joke and they finished lovings and they were now Intercourse partners.

Soldier, Demo, Merasmus made it there quest to rid the good church going foke of STD so they handed out cheap pamphlets at their nunnery to warn people of the dangers of unprotected smecks. And then they went home to have unprotected sex to celebrate.

Scout got a tuxedo and went to see miss Pauline who he thought had a cool boobs and a black woman ass, but miss Pauline though that he was a perve because she was a self made woman who didn't put up with horny men and lessys wanting to plow her pussy. So she told him to GTFO ans he sulked away.

Heavy sat in his room all day and slept and didn't shower or eats or drinks much and he started to whear all black and play angry songs on guitar and wright stupid depressing poetry.

Medic was takeing a bakeing class in the land of shit teeth and tea known as the united kingedom of England where people mat good cakes and things and he was learning to make super kawaii cupcakes. But that is a story for another day.

* * *

ZE End… or is it?... NO (yeast) (Get it, in the cupcakes… well fuck you I thought it was funny :D).

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Authors Note:

Holly Jesus on steroids dis chapter was 2000 words longers than it should have been. Whoops. LOLZ oh well… So yank you every 1 4 reading and donnne forget to R and R ;D


	4. Chapter 4: Heavy Goes Emo

Heavy Goes Emo: A Tale of How Heavy Was a Emo Fag.

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Authors Note:

OMG EVERYONE Stop raging!1! I don't hate gay people just 'cause I have used the word Fag int ma stories. Everyone knows that fags are annoying p people with Harleys I evens gots the definition for you.

Definition: Fag (fag) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders. 2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.

So THERE3!1 stop hatting all of you haters arnt even making sense so PLZ don't hate ;3

Too everyone who isent hattin a deeply apologise, pease don't take the above da wrong way. I do like the critasism butt it has to been constructives I dont like hatters but i do like critisisum and don't take it up the ass.

Anyway i hope you likes this chapter, I thought 4 a hole lots of min u ets about what it should be abouts then I,

Genre: Sexy, Family

Rated M for MCR

WARNING: VIOLENCE, SEX, OBESE MEN, RAPE, CAKE 'N' OTHER STUFF ^_^

3.. 2.. 1.. Let's get it on like donkey Kong!

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning in Tuefort, New Mexico. The birds were sitting in trees, the Mann Co. store was closed for the day because Saxton Hale went to buy new cargo shorts (WTF while I was typein this I looked up Saxton Hale to make sure that he does where cargo shorts and not other shorts like short shorts and I found a Picture of Saxton Hale extrealmly Obese and eatin portal cake, I isent into obese cake eatin butt if any one is PM me and I will Sent U Link), and RED Sniper was taking a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.

"Arrrrr… piss," grinned the Sniper, goint outside to do some snippin sractise whilest pissing in a jar as he walked, so skilled sniper was that he could piss whilst walking. Then sniper took aim and shot a target that was at the other end of his sniping range, so skilled sniper was that he hit target that was far away and had a mini orgasm spasm because hitting a target is like hitting a G-spot for Snipers.

"Oh Fuck Yeah," said sniper before taking aim at his next target… butt… It'wase't there :O.

"Morning lad," said demoman beginning to take a drunken piss on Sniper'S Sniping range, which is where they was (Sniper didn't mind though because he had a golden shower fetish which he expressed on the battle field by throwing his piss at people, there was no reason war couldn't be a sexy).

"Demoman have you seen Hitler anywhere?" Sniper asked blushing from arousal of urine.

"Isn't Hitler dead?" said Demon.

"Oi was using him as snippine practise remember," explaning Sniper.

"Oh Yeah, said Demo I'm sorry but I haven't seen him."

And niper sad faced like this :( "He was such a good target though, Oi need to get him back, there's nothing as satifiying as putting a bullet in a real human head. It's like putting your cum cannon in a jar of penis butter vs a real vagina or butt vagina, it just doesn't compare."

Demoman could sim pa thiys with Sniper, he had had to fuck a jar of peanut butter once instead of a vagina or chocolate vagina and it wasent goo.d Demoman gout out his day planer and looked at what he should be doing this morning, as usual he had nothing to do so he said, "Cum on Sniper, Ill hellp you look for Hitler." So together Demoman and Diper went to look for Hitlers dead bullet riddled body. They looked everywhere they could think of. Pyro even checked his vagina for them, (ever since losing his crotch flower power he'd been experimenting with what he could fit in his penis sheath and havein lots of S X with Engineer. They had haded sex over 9000 times and Engies balls where like desert with no sperms of any man because Engineers penis had been like Moses in babble and split Pyro's crotch like sea and had led the sperms to the promised lands of milk and hunny witch was da pie rows crotch Pie) In his vagina she found a can of bonk atomic punch, a ghastly gibus and some vagina lint, but no Hitler.

"Urrrrggghhh," Sniper sighed. "Thanks for tryin' Pyro, but Oi'm never gonna find Hitler."

"Mmmmph mmmph, mmmph mmmph Penial Penetration mmmmmph mmmph mmmmmmmph, mmph ;D" pyro said. Demoman agreed.

"Pyros right lad, you need to stop sulking, theres a lot more fish in ta sea. Come on, we'll get ya something to drink before work, I think Spy had some alcoholic alcohol in his smoking room, we should pay him, a wee visit.

The Sniper jazzed himself cause Demo said wee.

Inside the base soy was sat in his smoking room and Scout was there bothering him in Boston voice.

"What was it like?" Scout asked Hornily.

"What was what like?," Asked Spy

Scout began to get a boner, "Vomiting on Miss Pauline. God she's Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Fucking HOT!1!11 What I wouldn't give to vomit down her fucking trout and all over her sexuly body. Then I'd bend her over and fuck her in her tight sausage wallet MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

Spy did the rolling of the eyes of the spys, and laugned and snorted "Scout = Virgin," Spy said.

"GO TO HELL YA CUNT," said Scout.

Then Sniper, Demo nad Pyro came in for happy hour and started to sup spy's drinks, inturupting the fighting spy and scout.

"What are you fighting about then laddies?" asked the blackest man there.

"Scouts been a perve," snorted spy and everyone Sept ember scout snortled as well.

"You all suck," said scout and he was rage quit out of room.

but then before scout left he lubbed up at big grandfather clock which reminded him of a large thick penis and the clock said "it is ate O cock."

"Of Fuck," said Spy and Scut, sniper, demoman (but not Piero he saud Mmmph) "we have to hurriy." Quickly everyone ran to the place where the mini van was to take them to CP_DUSTBOWL for the days battle (dustbowl is a long way from the base so Mann Co. hires a minibus to take them to work). Scout did it fastest though because he is faster and then everyone else did it the same as scout only not as fast. The mini van was parked just inside the base yard and had an extremely Chinese guy driving it, the guy had an amazing hat that everyone eas supper jelly of but and sometimes the TF2 guys wanted to try and get the hat because it was an unusual but they knew that the guy was a chineese and if they tried to take the hat they would serly get raped, so they did not try to get hat.

Everyone got on the minivan.

"Is it just me," said the Soldier looking out of the winindo, "or are we more further from the ground than usual?"

Demo, Enigie, Pyro, Sniper, Spy and Scout (but not's merasmus because he is old and went to work and got the t shirt and is retired and gets to sleep on work days) looked out of the window of the minibus.

"I'm afraid of hights saud Scout and he looked away from the window, " Why are we so far from the ground.

Engineer opened his mouth and mad a collection of sounds that sounded like "The bus must be lighter than usually, I lent about that at Texant University."

OMG thought everyone, it made the sense, but why was the buss lighter?/

Then Spy made an observation, "It doesn't smell of sandbich and unwashed fat folds in here."

"Your right" said Soldier "Where is that obese Rushan fuck Heavy? We're already one man down we can't go to Dustbowl to fight today if we are down two men, the BLU team will rape us in ta ass."

Everyone wos scared. Been raped by BLU people wasent fun, RED people maby but not Blu. The Chinese man laughed at them very asianly and told them to get of his bus if they were gonna waste his time.

So everyone got of the bus and stood at the entrence of the base. Missing work was very bad cause they wouldn't get paid and Miss Pauline would be angrier then when she was PMSing (personal messaging scout (because she hates scout)).

"That fat fucks gonna have some explaning to do," angered soldier, and he gave scout a phone. "Here he said PM Mizz Pauline and tell her were not gonna make it in two day." Then soldier and the others went to look for Heavy.

"Scout" gulped and typed "Yo, Miss P, me n the others cant make it in to work 2day k THX. BTW u r HAWT GURL ;D 3 LUV the Scout." Then he sent the message.

Seconds later the sky went minstrel blood red and Miss Pauline drove up to scout like a Phyco Bitch in her car.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CANT GO IN TO WORK TODAY ASS WHOLE!111!1" she roared.

"We can't find heavy, fat fuck didn't turn up 4 work dis morning," he explained scared but turned on at the same time cause Miss Pauline hat that fine kind of vagina scout just wanted to batter with his crotch base ball bat.

"I swear to gabe if u don't turn up to work tommoroz am gonna have to smak a bitch, then Miss Pauline drove away again."

Scout sulked back into the base disappointed he didn't get to finger Miss Paulines Strange.

When he got back into the base everyone was looking around for Heavy (Except Sniper who was still secretly looking for Hitler 'cause he is a rebel and Heavy cause he is the one they are looking for)

"I tolled her we couldn't make it in to work today and we have today off but we have to go in tommoro."

"A free day off," said every one " that's pretty sweet."

Then soldeier said "Cum on the sonner we find lardo the sooner we can punish him and start enjoying are day off."

They looked everywhere they could think of. Pyro even checked his vagina for them, he found another can of bonk! atomic punch, a pink ghastly gibus and some more vagina lint, but no Heavy.

"For shuch a EMORMAS cunt he sure is hard to find," said Soldier.

"Did U check the Kitchen," said Scout

"That was the first place we looked," Lafed Spy and then everyone ROFLED (because fat people).

Seriously though this is starting to piss me off, " said Demo man "I want to drink."

I know some where we haven't tried yet, suggesting Engineer.

Together they went up to the sleeping quarters and went into heavy room, that smelt of bear and beatroots and had lots of pictures of maralin monro manson MCR N other Emo things on the walls. The room was almost completely empty except for Sasha, a bed a small table and a closet.

"He's not hear either," said Engineer "FUK"

"What the hell is that?" Said Sniper pointing at the small table

He walked over to it and there was something there and when they looked at it it was whar it was it was a sandvich there. On the sandvich there was some kind of ominous white goo that leaked from between the slices of bread and on to the plate the sandvich was on. Sniper looked at it with a suspicus and then the sanvich became used and sniper took a bite out of sandwhich.

"It's Mayonase said Sniper" (Who's the perve now LULZ) and sniper kepted eating the snd which until it wa s not in the room anymore. It tasted the good. And Sniper was happy with a face of emotion.

"If there is food here then Hvy must be somewhere close," Soldier said. Then they herd the door opening.

"Oh Saxtons scrotum" said everyone. They were in heavys room and everyone knew that Rushhands were very territorial and wold kill people who came onto there land and they could also secrete snow and ice as a defence mechanism which is why da Russians fucked Hitlers Ass in WW2. Even though the Nazis were more agile and had the ability to change gender to repopulate (Sereously look up german soldiers growning boobs), the Russians were able to take advantage of their own climate and used it to their advantage, waiting till the Nazis were almost dead b4 slortering them and incaseing them in snowmen, or if germ was luky taking them home from war as a suvinire keeping them as a pet/sexdoll which was considered very exotic.

"I don't want to be killed," said scout. But he wouldn't have to die because Spy was clever and he had picked up a few trick with spying on Russians because he was working for the queen of Britain in the coldwar as a spy and had to spy on the agressivly voiced men.

"Stand in this spot," Spy said, "Russians vision is very narrow and they have a blind spot at the side of the head if U stand in it they won't be able to see u!." And this was REAL SCIENCE because rusian people do not have to look sideways becase they have law in Russia that says that you are a total cunt pussy if you attack someone from the side, also rusian people are naturaly scary meaning most people avoided them like plague that kill Urope so they did not have to worry about been fought except by their natural enemy the jermans..

Everyone stood in the spot that Spy had said to stand in and heavy opened door and came into the room. Hevy didn't see them because of science but the room smelt very strange to him and he sniffed the air. Something wasen't write and he turned 2wards them but they wernt their because spy and the others had moved as he turned to stay in his blind spot. Then Heavy decided he was just been an cautious and he locked the door so it could not be used as a door but was now a part of the wall.

_Oh my withering ball sack_, thought everyone at the same time to save time so that they would not need to think it separately. Now they couldn't leave the room when heavy wasent looking and they woud have to stay in the room in his blind spot until he opened the door again and it was safe to move.

Heavy then reached into his pocket and pulled out a sexy parcel from amazon and he opened it. He looked at it and it was an MCR CD which had the music of MRC on it. Then Heavy put it on and playeded airt guitar and started to do his foundation in the mirror.

Everyone thought that he looked like a total gay flag.

Then Heavy walked to the table that had the sandvich on that Sniper had nomed.

"Where is Sandvich?" asked Heavy to himself but he didn't know the answer (Sandvich is captialised because Sandvich he is a character and that is his name.) "Sandvich, where are you?!" said Heavy with angrily and he went to the closet and opened it. "Did you eat Heavy's sandvich?" he said into the clauseset. There was no answer. Then Heavy looked more angery and he reached his arm into the closet and pulled out a dead body.

_W.T.F. Mates_, thought Sniper. He recognised the dead body, and then he realised that it was … Hitler, but naked? Sniper continued to examin the dead nazi and could see that his hair had been carefuly trimed into a different hair style (that looked firmiliar but he couldn't park his fingrt on it) and hit's trade mark musstach was gone. The rotting skin of the nazi had been covered sloppily with makeup in a vain attempt to hide the rotten sores across the body, which had been caused by flies laying eggs in the deceased man's flesh and hatching into maggots.

"You bastard," Heavy continued "you only ever tries to hurt me, first you leave, then you take Sandvich away from me… and, and," Heavy started to cry, smudging his eye liner and foundation in the process so that he looked like a hot mess "I LOVE U". Then heavy did something totally ratchet, he started to make out with Hitler by making out with him and because Hitler was dead he had a lot of magotts enjoying the warm moist abode that was the dead Nazis throat.

*Slurp Slurp Slurp* went Heavy's mouth as he made out wetly with Hitler, witch was only mad wetter by all of the tears and makeup that wars getting into their mouths along with the siliva that was supposed to be for eating the Sandvice.

Then Heavy wispered into HItlers ear, and put him laid down on his back on the bed. Then heavy went back to his closet and got a bag out of it. Out of the bag he got a small pair of nail sicissors and a pealed hardboiled egg.

"Hold Still," he instructed and he used the scissors to make a small inseshion in hitlers ball sack. Once the incision was made he squeezed the ard boiled egg inside of the ball sack, so it sat snuggly next to Hitlers one teste, giving Hitlers a 1 ball a friend. Ten Heavy went back to the bag again and pullet out a stapler and a wire clothes hunger. He used the stapler to stapple the scrotem back together and the he unbent the clothes hanger so that it was a long piece of wire. Then he held Hitler's not alive penis and pushed the wire into the entrence of the ureatherer and kept pushing the wier in until the hole thing was inside hitlers cokc. Hitlers coke was now pose able as the wire inside the cock ment that it could be bent into different shapes. Heavy went with the old fashioned erection pose. Then Heavy put the finishing touches onto his Hitler SexDoll he did the by putting a pair of circuler specticles on him.

But then Heavy did one more thing that was worse thing. He went back to the bag he had one last time and took out a medigun. Then Heavy ent back to Hitler and flipped him over onto his tummy and alined the medigun with hitlers anus, handle first, and started to push it up inside Hilers tight dead arse hole. The room was filled with the sound of anus ripping and what little fecal matter was left inside of deceased hitlers colon came out and dripped on to the bed, leaving smudgey brown marks with red smears of blud.

"Is good," Heavy said. The medigun was now snuggly nesseled in hitlers arsehole. Then Heavy started to have sex with his customised Hitler, Pushing his slut choker down the barrel of the medigun in hitlers gaping ass. He did every position he knew and even invented some knew 1s. Tt was REALY kinkey dead person sex but as kidney as it was it wasent very sexy. Heavy cried the howl time and shouted out random lines from emo songs.

"Maybe if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt this much," he sang, "What do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it, If I close my eyes and listen… I hear your voice! I want you to miss me like I'm missing you" Then he EJACULATED! And it looked very painful. Then Heavy took a razor out of somewhere that was near and began to make cuts across the shaft of his penis, letting the blood seep out of his erection making it flaccid. Then Heavy kissed hitler and said "I 3 you doctor," and he cried himself to sleep.

With Heavy finaly sleeping it seemed safe to move out of the blind spot.

"What the fuk was that about," asked Sniper, "If he wanted a sex doll he should have just asked instead of doing my sniping target. I have quite the collection in my camper can, some of them are bearly used."

"Don't ya see," said Engineer looking at hitlers mutilated and fucked body." Poor bastards Heart broken. He has made Hitler looks like Medicine by giving him a hare cut, glasses, two testicles, and a mustash sahve because he misses him"

"Mmmmph :3" said Pyro thinking that that was totally adorable (Pyro ist on his means she is blooding from his Virginia and gets emotional easily which explanes why pyro was like thiscause he usualy wouldn't be(I know dis cause I own VrigiNA))

"LULZ that Is gay as Fuck,/2 LULZED Spy. "What a FUCKIN pussY."

"Don't be a cunt spy Solder LHFAO, it still aint as gay as the French."

And spy became Infurryated.

"Hey Spoi," Snipersaid, "would you make a sex doll of me if Oi wisent here?"

"and spy gave him a dude that's so retarded and gay look," and Sniper felt 50 percent angry sad and imbaresed that Spy did not love him enough to do that 4 him, and he slowly started to get more angry. Spy never shwered his effection to snper he didn't even buy him flowers or condoms and this made sniper mad, but he was cool and collective an did not shoe is anger. He would need to teach spy a lesson for not been careing anougth man.

How do we stop him from been deprest and having sex with dead peeple" asked Scout, "Miss Paul lean will be in a furry if we don't fix him bye tommoro."

"E Z", said Engine ear, "We just has to sheer him up."

"But how do we dos that?"

Noone new answer. But Sniper had made a plane to do so which would also mean he could get his revenge on Spoi for been a not careing enough boi friend.

"Oi have an Idea" said Sniper Laugthing.

It was now later and everyone was stood out side of Speyes smoking room.

"Spy come out," Shouted Soldier.

"Non, said Spy"

"Mmmph :|" aid id PIRO

Amd Spy a came out because he got scared and did not want to be put onfire bcause speyes hat pirrows.

"You look great" Rofeled Sniper at disguised spy that was looking like a friendly medik.

"I HATE U!"2" said Syp.

AND sNIPER laugthed again cause it was fuNny.

This was a goo Ideal Said Marasmush (who had gotten out of bed now) beging to exposition some more because he is expositioning class. "With Sy disguised as Medic he can go to Hvy room and take a tour of his penis, then after getting a complementery souvenir from the gift shop of his balls you can tell him you have to go away again. Then you leave and he will be happy again and miss Pauline will be happy work will be tommoro."

"I'm not doing it," said Spy.

"Oh yes you are ,"said Sniper "Or I won't let U backstab me in ta butt."

"And how are U gonna stop me?" said angry france.

"I wilt waer the razorbutt," (The razorbutt is secondary weapon for ta Sniper aNd Is likr the razorback but instead of blocking backstab of spy it is blocking buttstab)

Shit thought Spy and he sulked up to Hevys Room. While this was happening the other merceneries where glad they had worked out a way to solve the problesm they were having and went down stairs to enjoy their day off and gamble for hats.

Spy swolowed the French in his thorught and knoked on Heavys door. "NYET GO AWAY!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!111111111111111!111111 screams Harvey with angry nose.

"Fat Cunt…" and Spy cleared his thought to Germany "… I mean, Herr Heavy it's me, Medic."

"Medic?" questioned Heacy and he went to the door and opened it a cracklet and it turned out at the door it was An sPy Diguised as medick btu hoovy dosent know this because then the story wood be over.

"DOCTOR333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxooxoxoxooxxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxooxooxoxooxoxooxoqooxooox :3 ^_^;;;;;" said hovel.

And spy braced himself as Hevy football rugby tackled him to the floor with Horney intentions and begain to mouth hug him.

"I missed you SOoooooooooooooooOooooooooooooooooOoooooooooooooooooooO mush doctor ock."

Spy felt sick already, hevys saliver tested of bits of food that was stucked int betwine his teeth and all oft his fat rolls sweated onto his body.

"I knew that you weredent leaves me," sied HEAVY "I NEW THAT U WUD CUM BAK"

End Phy forced a smile.

Heavy smiled communistly back with a look of erection. Speacking of cum baK doctor I want to Come on you're back. I haven't given doctor a good impalement in long time.

Oh no thought spy, he had been dreading this moment and wished that he could clock himsef so he was invisable and run away from been fucked, but if he did that Sniper wouldn't have sex with him. What a predicament.

While spah was thinking of this he found that hevey had began to undo heavys' man bra (witch heavy wear to keep his big bobs from putting strane on his back) and squized them together "Is titty time doctor" said heavy.

Spy put his face intbetwetween hoveys TITS and did a motorboat. It was a hard thing but he had to do it so he thought of every woman that he knew who had boobs (Like Scouts Ma, Mizz Pauline, ta Administrato and to a lesser accent PYr0) witch made them easyer to enjoy.

Then spy had moterboated for min uets and brought face out for air.

"Wow" Taugt spy that was awful but then spy felt something poke his Ribs and Other BOdy.

"Errrrr… Hevy… Is zat your gun?!" he asked nerveous.

No said "Heavy" "That is…

MY PENIS.!

"O_o" Spy was surprised. IT Felt RLY RLY RLY RLY RLY LYL RLYRLYLR TLYRL RLY really BIG against his French body.

"IT IS LIKE 4 whole INCHES!" sid Spy.

"No, IT's 4 inchies when I am flaccid but now I HAVE A HUGE boner so IT IS 40 INCHES."

"OMFG!11 said Spy." Even though he didn't want to be, this got him turned on. He was French so he natruraly wanted to fuck Bcause French people are romantic and romantic is related to S3X. "C… Can I touch it?"

Heavy undid his pants. "Da, you can touch. I am communist and this is the people's penis."

Spy found himshelf presented with a big thick cook which looked like it was far too fabulouse for its fat ugly owner. Spy ran his hand along ta shaft and patted it on da head like dog_, this isent tooooooo2 bad,_ spy thought, _at least the penis is nice,_ but den the Penis slavered on his hand like a dog so it was covers in baby batter and spy was prety sure that he just got diabeates.

"Oh god," said spy, wipping hevys come away from his hand.

"What was hat doctor, ? ,"

"Oh, nothing sad sp eye, then heavy held spy by ta wast, and did neck kiss that was wet like female genitals .

"Cum Doctor We Go To Bed NOW! ;D" SMILED heavy

"And Spy Nodded, it was time to sex, which was bad, but he thought a good thing to get him through" he new: Sometimes you have to fuck a fat ass today, to fuck a phat ass tomorrow. And Sniper had that phat ass that he wanted to put his butt erfly knife in.

SO Spy Medic went into He avys room and into Heavy''s bed and took off cloths and got on all 4's and presented his ass like knob el prize.

Heavy looked at him sillily and did a laught of Stalin.

"You are so horny," said horny "Is good, But it is not thim for dis yet. First we 4 play." Heavy knew tht fourplay was an important part of the sex process, nearly as important as penis and balls because it would make wholes bigger for pooting things in and make it less hurty and more durty.

Heavy went on to his computer that he kelpt in his cup board and turned it on and went onto his steam account and started to play da TF2 (which was a good form of forplau because they would play it b4 SEX) and they played round and were best players cause they had the BESTISET HATS. Spy had to plat Medic though cause he was suppost to be Medic but he was not good at Medic and got knoked of clif by a gibus Pyro who laughed at him real badly with shaudenfrodial taunght (ta Pyro was actualy gabe who was playing on server also and thought he has amazin unusual strange astralium killstreak valve hat he war gibus instead so he could troll peple.)

And spy died a lot so Heavy gave him a batter hat but it turned out better hats don't make better players. The spy radged out of server.

Heavy got worried usualy this was gud forplay but it wasent working then he had Idea and he fot out 'the wheel of foreplay' (witch is like 'wheel of fortune' but sexier) and spun it. It was nearly spun and heavy thought it would land on colon rolling but it diddnt quite, and instead it landed on bird forplay.

_This will work, _Thought Heavy cause he knew that Medic loved bird 4play cause he loved birds.

Heacy got out a sand witch and gave it ro Dpy and said "Eat Sandvich,"

Spah didn't question even doe he thought it was weird instead he ate the Sandvich and It tasted what it tested lick was god.

Then heavy said pasin ately "vomit in my mouth like bird doctor."

Spy was like "Vat?" he thought that that sounded totally getto and wrong and not even right and spah was not belemic so he was not a good at blowing chunks.

And Heavy said "I know you like bird for play, we used to do this all the time back in NAM, I will help you."

And before Spy could say anything heavy rammed his cunt crusher sexily down his throat, forcing him to retch. A cascade of vomit flooded from his mouth, chucks of sandvich and other food the Frenchman had eaten covering the Russians red commie cock.

Heavy cupped his hands, capturing the semi digested food and swallowing it in great mouthfuls. It was wonderful like a bile milkshake that had big bits of fruit in it but in this case the fruit was food bits.

Spy cleared his frote. It burned from his stomach acid which was attacking the sensitive tissue in his gullet.

"Foreplay was good," said Heavy turnin on from ta for play n, knowing medic's hole wood definatly be wide and REDy by now a,nd he pusched him down on the bed and said. "Now we DO SECS! ^_^"

Spy watched horrified as Heavy's obese hairy man melons and belly came towards him on the bed and threatened to get on top of him. "I will make you into doctor kebab with Heavy's PENIS ;) ," he said. The site was so horrifying that Spy felt his balls shrink and try to hide insid his boay. He couldn't do this, he couldn't let his magnificent rectum get rammed by this fat lard ass, even if Sniper wouldn't let him fuck him anymore and Miss Pauline would be pissed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111 GET THE FUCK OF ME YOU DISGUSTING FAT, MORBIDLY OBEASE FAT MAN D:" And spy did a falcon punch the fat of him.

Heavy was shocked and then very confuzed tthat medic had refused his advances and then called him fat, and he got off him in immediately "Im… I'm sorry doctor =:::( ," he began to cry once agin and smudged his eye liner more then it was already smudged, "did I do something rong? Please don't lleave me again, I can change." And he collapsed on to floor in dramatics and started to beg 4 4givness.

Spie rolled his eye s and snorted"U stupid fuck," said Spy sotping his voice from been disguised and getting off the bed. "I never really was on your side," and he took off medic disguise.

"OH MY PUTIN, said Heavy covering his naked body cause he was fat and self caution." "Medic is Spy! :O "

Spy fez palmed. "Not only are you a fat man, but you are also an idiot."

"Why is Spy Disguides as Doctor?" Hevy asked up angrily. Feeling prety sick dat he had almost sexed wit a spy, because spys are slimy coward class who goes around and trolls.

"I was going to sleepz with you to cheer you up," Spy explained "to stop you from been such a faggot so that we could all go to works tommoroz and gets moneyz, But I can't bring my self to do it, you are soo morbidly obese."

Heavy looked sad because it was hard to hear tha truth and hevey had ignored it 4 a long time, "Doctor does not think Heavy is obese."

Spy Snorted in humour. "Of course he does you nieve cunt, why do U think he ß"

Heavy shrugged "I Dont NO"

"I's because you are an ugly fat cunt, U need to get Ure life together, lose wait and work out to the extreme (buyt not with a shake wait cause they are uber gay lol). Then maby you won't be such a BIG waist of space Uand people would actualy want to fuck you. DO U UNDERSTANDX ME?2"

Heavy nodded sadly and didn't do any eye contract with spy because he was ashamed of himself.

GUD said spy THEN YOU CAN TURN UP TOMMORO 4 WORK AND GET RID OF ALL THIS FAGGOT EMO STUFF AND TAKE OF THAT FUCKING EMO MAKEUP SHIT U LOOK LIKE A DERPY CUNt. Then Spy "walked out of the room triumphantell;y".

I felt like I was gonna cr I but I didn't cause Spy had owned me like a boss and crying was fag emo stuff. He avy began to through away all his shit…But then…(…..He hurt a voice…

"…" said Sandvich. (wHO wAS sAT On a taBle int thea rom)

"What was that?" (Heavy asked)

"…"

"We… We can't do that"

"…"

"But…"

"…"

"Oh, but how do we…

"…"

And then Heavys smiled a evil like smell and thanked Sandvich for his advice. Sandvich gave a good advice.

******MEAT WHILE DOWN STAIRS IN REC ROOM*********

"Got N E 9's" asked Solider

Sniper was confused. "No, I don't"

"Fuck" said solider "Go Fish."

"Were playing Poker "said Demo"

"I thought we we're playing Solitaire" Said Sniper.

"NO, WE ARE PLAYING STRIP POKER," said Merasmus "(WHO was horny because it was wizard mateing season and he was in heat.)

Then they started to arguein but spy came.

"Did you fuck him?" asked Sniper to Spy, a bit angry that his Boi frund had fucked someone else. But he knew that Spy hated fat people and that sleeping eith Heavy would have made him super mad lol."

"I'm afraid not," said Spy "I laid out the law with him, told him to stop been such a faggot and to go on a diet."

And Sniper was still angry because fucking Heavy was supposed to be his punishment for not careing enough to make a sex doll of him. After all Sniper had a Spy SEx doll. He pouted.

Soldier skepticaled "IMposable" he said "You R A FRENCH people and he ist Rusica. Your penis is non existence in comparacent, you do not haft the balls to lay out sa law with him." Everyone agree with soldier cause everone knows that the French aret cowards who run away and hide like spy's which is probably why deves made him a france mna.

"Cum," said Spy (who was been called a cow ared when ne wasedn), "I will show you hoe I owend his ass ThEN YOU wil see whothe coward is."

And Spy and everyone went upstairs to see how Spy had made Heavy less of a fag because they didn't belive that he could have done that because the French are cowards, and everyone had expected spy to run away like a pussy or take an ass ploughing.

Then they were at Heavys room and Spy said "We are here now" but everyone knew that because they weren't blind. And then they went in to heavys room but Heavy wastent their.

"Where is he," asked Soldier.

"I don't know," said Spy.

And Everyone was a mazed tat such a obease man could disappear so quikly. But then Sniper saw something. Something that looked rather conspicuous because he had seen it easily which is definition of conspicuous.

"What the hell is that?" Said Sniper pointing at the small table

He walked over to it and there was something there and when they looked at it it was whar it was it was a Paper piece there. On the paper there was some kind of ominous white goo that leaked from between the edges of te paper was on. Sniper looked at it with a suspicus and then the paper became used and sniper took a lick of the paper.

'Its' see men said Sniper,,,." (Who's the perve now LULZ) and sniper RED the paper until it wa s RED. It said "No Butt Sex and Asshole Spy makes Heavy a horny man."

"What does this meeeean," said SNIPER.

Everone looked at it in puzzle cause they were also confused, (more confused than I was at the end of the shining. I don't get that movie, just saying.)

But then… Heavy steped out of his cupboard which is where he was and he had a syringe gun. He was waring an emo like T-shit and a pair of emo shoes that were black and black, his hair which he had from whearing emo clothes wig was black and spikey like a hedhehog but at the same time sagged infront of his face. his pants were like proper tight (but not the good kind of tight because he is fat) and had a million zips on them and other stuff and he had a bunch of self done peircings everwhere that looked suapr gay amd where still bleading, his arms were all sliced up like a loaf of bread and looked like his arms looked like a womans face that had just been attacked by abusive husband and cut up by a knife. He aslo was ALSO wearing an I liner and makeup.

Scout LOLed "that gun shoots medicine, real scary." But then scout relised what he was wearing and the fagginess was so terrifying that scout rly was scered.

Heavy was gonna say something to scout

But then Sniper sniped the conversation because he is a sniper and said "Hey Heavy said Sniper "WHAT DOE this me…?" and he held up the piece of paper but heavy did not answer and was so and instead he opened fiered with the syringe gun at everyone and pumped everyone full of an a stetic that made them be knoked out.

Later everyone woke up with there arms and legs tied together. They were been dragged in to a room that was dark weird, black and there was chains hanging from ciling and metal frames and wips and collars and stuff. There was pictures of emo things on the walls like emo bands and coffee smell was in the air.

"Good your awake," said Heavy, and he did deprest laugh."

"What the fuck is going on," said Solly, "Heavy U better let us out of bondage right now before I shove my pain is up your ass."

"Heavy took a roll of ductape and put some duck over soldier's mouth to keep him quiet. Then he said" Soldier and others can go after Heavy has had his revenge.

"What are you going to do to us?!" asked Everyone.

"What am a gonna do?" lolled Heavy sadly, turning his attention to spy. "Spy what do you thick of Heavy?"

Spy did a gulp of pussy because he was scared of what might happen to him "I.. I think you're a cultured well-mannered gentleman."

"DON'T LIE TO ME," and he did bitch slap on to spy. "I know what your thinking, theirs Heavy, he is an obease fat man, but you don't know me. You don't know what I've got." Then Heavy started to make weird noises and take of his ants so that everyone could see his nerection. Heavy's nerection started to swell bigger and bigger than it already was and it wood ent stop expanding and it expanded to the size of 2 feat wide and 5 feet long. It was red like a communist and all vainy like an anorexsick person but not as bony as ano people have lots of bones and penises only have one bone.

Then Heavy said "I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this is my penis. She weighs 100 50 kilograms and fires heavy duty, custom made by my balls, sperm cartridges at 10,000 rounds per second. It takes 400,000 condoms to stop sperm from my penis for 12 seconds" Then Heavy pause and went to pick up the Sanvich which was on plate and he saod "What was that Sanvich…" he asked it.

"…" Said Sandvich

"Rape the Spy?... Good idea."

And heavy picked up Spy who thrust about like a big angry fish after been caught on a fishing rod. Spy thrust about so much that Heavy struggled to keep the Spy and his penis under control. "Think of this as redemption for been a dickslit earlyer little Spy mann," he smiled and put spy down on the ground "First you will suck on my weapon."

Spy started to cry as heavy forced his cock into spys face, pre cum leaking all over the spy's ski mask.

"I… I cant do it," cried spy "you are too morbidly obeast."

Heavy got mad, "If spy wont suck my dick, Spy eont suck andy dicks." And Heavy went to a table which was where the Sandvich was, and the Sanvich passed him a needle and fred. Then heavy held spys face and pierced his lips with the needle, beginning to sew spys penus puss sucking hole together, blood dripping down his chin and on to his maroon collard suit. Both tears and sperm making his ski mask wet and soggy.

After heavy had finished sewing spys mouth together he flipped spy on to his belly and pulled down the bottom half of his suit, exposeing his French buttoxs. Spreading them apart, he alined his chocolate cave drill with spys well-maintained ass hole.

"Mmmph mmph :..(" cried spy not able to talk and brgging 4 murcy but ID did nothing. Then Heavy pushed his asspocalyptic dick into spys ass, ripping it open with ease like ripping apart a nice ripe peach, blood and feacease coating Hevys erection.

Spy screamed helplessly, his voice muffled because it was sewn together.

After a half hour of fucking Spys ass Heavy felt he was close to climaxing and his balls got all tight like a tube top on a big breasted woman. "Here I CUM," said Heavy and he filled spys buthole with a russion snow storm and pulled out sexily. Spys ass was assbliterated and driping with blood, anal waist and semen. Their was a gaping hole where heavys penis had been and Heavy's weapon of ass destruction had been so big that it forcibly pushed spy's pelvic bones further apart to make room for it. It looked like a bloody pelican, whit it's mouth wide open which had just drank a glass of gravy and finished brushing it's teeth.

Heavy laughed, happy he had gotten his revenge on Spy for Spy calling hism fat and he said "Is good day to be giant man."

"Can we go now," said soldier. He haddened planed on watching a rape today and there were other things that he wanted to do so he wanted to leave, because this was taking up time.

And Heavy nooded "fINE.." and he was bout to undo them all when Spy said

"Mmmph mmph mmph."

"What?" asked Heavy.

"Mmmph mmph mmph," translated Pyro from Spy.

"What?" asked Heavy.

"That's not fair, they all knew about it and it was sniper's Idea anyway… " translated Engine from Pie.

"WHAT!" Angered Heavy. Stoping undoing Soldier. "You all knew about this, and none of you warned Heavy. "You are all horrible baby men, and Sniper U R th WorST! You scheming Ozzie Drop bear cunt."

"Easy mate." Said Sniper, annoyed that Spy had ratted him out. "How about you let us all go and we can forget all about this."

Heavy shook his head, "No, I have plan for you. ALL of U"

Scout began to cry as the realisation of been raped hit him, "PLEASE NO," he whimpered "Im to young to be raped". Heavy felt a bit sorry for the little scout because he was only just 21 and still a little kid to everyone else because everyone else was like 30 and 40.

"Is not fair to use such big penis on such tiny man," he said "I will let you go," and he untied Scouts arms and legs and scout scuttled away.

"Why does he get to go," said Demoman.

"Scout is baby," hevy said "Hevy dosent do sex with babus."

"Well Im blacik, your nort a raceist R U."

Heavy sighed and undid Demon man. Then Heavy began to torture everyone else with emo stuff. (A.N. FORT ANYONE WHO WAS WONDERING MERASMUS DID NOT USES HE MAJIC TO SAVE EVERYONE FROM BEEN RAPED BECAUSE HE WAS IN BREEDING SEASON AND IN WIZARD BREADING SEASON WIZZARDS CANOT DO SPELLS.)

Demo and Scout ran out of the room and up a stairs which was the way up to the stairs and they came out of a trap door which led to the ward room in the infermiry then they ran out of the infirmary and away from the base.

"We need to find help," said Demo.

"Yeah," said Scout. They new that they needed to find help so that they could stop heavy from rapeing everyone else because everyone was friends and frends have to look out 4 eacth other.

It was along run to the town of tuefort though where they could get the police to get heavy in troubles and they had to run across a road to get there.

Scout and demo ran across the road but demo was to slow and he got his by a vehicle.

"Fuck," said scout "No Demon, please don't die on me now." But then he relising that demoman was hit by an ambulance, "Demo your gonna be ok you were hit by an amblance." He sScout said. And he knew that ambulances arnt designed to kill people because they have pillows tied to there bumpers and are made out of a light flexible plastic to make them softer impact on people because ambulances have to go fast to get to hoespital and often hit people in way to get there so they tie pillows to them so they don't kill people as much when they hit people. "

Out of the ambulance cam a male nurse.

"FUCK," said the male nurse "I hit an ape… lulz only kidding its a black guy, but still I have to run over a vhite guy now so people don zhink that I am a raceish, I cant lose mu medical licence again. If only zhese fucking niggers didn't breed like rabbits zhey vouldn't be gatting in ze road and stuff."

"Fuck you cunt," said injured ran over demoman.

"No Fuck youm" said male nurse, but then they relised who each other was

"Medic?," Said Deom.

"Oh Demoman it's you," said Medic "I apolojive I cant tell black people apart."

"Im sorry to lad," said Demo,"I canne tell Nazis apart." AND THE n they lolled together because they had platonic relation and knew that because they were buddies it was alright to be racist because of context.

"What are you doing so far away from the base anyvay asked Medic" asked Medic, strating to do some healing on Demo man.

"It was awful," said Scout.

"Vat Vas,"assed Medick."

"Hecy's, hes gone crazy. First he had sex with dead hitler and was depressed and wearing emo shit so wniper sent spy to have sex with him and then he attacked us with a syringe gun and took us to a wiered black room under the infirmary and raped spy and now he is rapeing everyone else," Scout said.

Meic gasped, "He cheated on me vith dead Hiter und spy, broke into my sex doungeon and has become a compleat emo faggot. Son of a cunt. I am so angry vite now I could choke a prostitute with my crotch wrust and zen hide the mutilated body in a lake." "Cum on, I vill give you guys a lift to zhe base."

So together they drove back to the base. When they got back they went down into the infermay sex doungeon, where Heavy was there and he was Playing MCR songs like a compleat faggot anf it was so gay that Medic, Scout and Demo almost had to gouge there eyes out from all the faggotory.

"9, Fuck zis Shit," said Medic AND he went in and turned off the song.

"Who the fuck turned off Heavy music, said Heavy who was having his cock sucked by the Sniper as a punishment. And Heavy turned to look at Meidc who looked angry.

"D…Doctor… is it U." Heavy asked.

Medic didn't answer the question, instead he said "Heavy Vhy ze hell are you rapeing our teammates," said Meid c madly, "and why are you listening to this gay fag songs."

Heavy started to cry on Medocs sholder. I missed U so much, he said "Im so sorry, Heavy didn't mean to be a faggot emo or to have sex eith other people or anything. I made a sex doll of you cause I missed and rammed my cock in a medigun, then spy disguised as you and tried to sleep with me but then he called me fat and said you left me cause I was fat and then I raped him to teah him a lesson and then I found out that Sniper planed it all… and.. and" then heavy started to cry sexily.

Medic looked less angery now. He knew he couldn't stay mad at a man with such a big heart and penis "Oh Jew silly, silly man 3," he beagn, gently licking away the tears "I didn't leave you because I though you were fat. I left to get revenge on the Jews for killing our children."

"U did?" asled Heavy.

"Ja," sadi Medic "You see if it wasent of the jews then Hitler never would have existed, therfor meaning Hitler never wood have rose from the grave and then I would't have gotten myself Preggo and we would still have our children. So what I did was I ent to israle which is where the jews lived with some cupcakes that I lernt how to make in inkland and I gave them to the jews as a piece offering and they ate them. But they didn't know that they where laced woth nazi and they were possioned and they died and that is how I killed all the jews."

"So you left to kill jews and not cause you hated Heavy cause he is fat."

"yep,"

"Oh," said Heavy happily, he was happy that they were still cum chums." And They cuddled all uber cutely.

"I got you a gift while I was gone too said," Meadic.

Heavy got excited, "What is it?!1" he asked

And medic smilled and pulled down his pants to show Heavy his nice round ass.

"I got butt implants," he said, "I know you like my butt, you're alvays looking at it. So on the vay back to tuefort I stoped at brazil (the ass capital of the world) and asked zem for ze big gist implants zey could do. Vat do you Zink? ;D"

Heavy felt his reproductive fluids bubbling inside of his balls, like pots on a stove that wasent been watched, and he was harder than a catholic priest at family service when the kids come along.

"Yes…," said Heavy "I like dis," and he started to knead the nice, round, firm, perky but ox in his hands. He was all excited like a kid at a birthday party who just got the toy that they always wanted, only thing was that this toys was a nice phat ass "Please… PLEASE CAN WE JUST HAVE SEX?."

Medic giggled and griped Heavy's penis with his gloved hand and squeezed firmly, making moan all sexy like. "Zhat's alright Vith me."He said "It vill stop you from been such a faggot to because I am doktor and I knoe that sex is best way of stoping faggotery."(And this was true because fags are not capable of sex Thoufh it dosent count with dead and French people thought as dead people are dead and the French and already faggy)

Medic then got on to his knees letting the red tip of Heavy's cunt clobbering organ rub his lips, the pearly bead of pre-cum making them warm, white and sticky. Then Medic opened his mouth widely, allowing the thick, long cock inside. It started by grazing the roof of the doctor's mouth, leaving a sticky, creamy mess as it went, just like what a rat does cause it pees when it walks and you can see the piss trail of where it went with UV light. Then the head of the cock pressured against the soft, wet uvula, making Medic gag violently and cougth stomach acid on to the penis

"Is good," said heavy, enjoying the feeling of the acid and food chunks on his dick, knowing that it would make his soviet stiffy sufficiently slippy.

Heavy pulled his ridged Russian rammin' rod out of his Medic's German gobbling gorge and watched as a trail of his thick gloopy pre-cum dribbled out of him and down the doctor's chin.

Meick lapped up the man cream like a cat lapping up saucer of milk, gratefully swallowing every drop, it would be a crime to waste such precious, powerful liquid. After all, one of them could have grown up to be a famous doctor or lawyer.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm," He smiled, savouring the taste of all of the unlucky sperms that were now swimming in his stomach. "Amazing Verk," he praised with voice commands "Keep it up."

Heavy put his hand on med's dick and rubbed it to a god size. It was also big but not as big as heavus but NOT SMALL and it was sill cool looking in it's own way. They were ready to sex now, but then….Medic relised that he realy needed to poop rly bad. (It had been a long trip back from Isreal and there were no reststops all the way back because isreal is a poor country cause the jews are greedy and refused to spend there money on public things.)

"Heavy, I Vill be back in a second," Saif Medic, "I just have to go to ze little mercenary's room." But heavt was in a rush, because he was Russian (Lolz, gets it?) and he had not had sex with medic for so long that his cock literally started screaming.

"NO," SAID HEAVY PENIS "I DO NOT CARE I JUST WANT TO FUCK U"

"But Heavy's penis, you will get all dirty and covered in ass butter," Medic explaned.

"IS FIND, I DON'T CARE. I JUST NEED TO BE PUTIN YOUR ASS"

"Are you sure?" Medic asked.

"YES, RIDE ME!"

And Medic shrugged "Well I'm convinced, let's do this my friend." And Medic got on all 4s "In position."

"FOR THE MOTHER LAND!11!11!1111!1" screamed Heavy's RED communist Cock as it delve into the doctors ass like a professional diver diving into a big bowl of warm melted chocolate.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WWWWWWWOOOOOONNNNNNDDDDDDDEEEEEERRRRBBBBAAAARRRR! :D" Cried Medic as his hole convulsed with happiness of a oarsman. "GOTT IM HIMMEL! HOOVEY, BITTE, FICK ME HARDER!"

Amd Heavy did this with good thrust with power of Russian labour camps and both of them started to come all over THE floor anf each other.

Heavy pulled out leaving Medics nice ass looking like a hippo yawning that had just drank a sloppy vinila and chocolate milkshake. But as heavy pulled out meic felt a log of brown sticky waste traviling from his colon to his rectum. "Oh no," he said "vith such ruff anal sex I have lost control of my bowl movements, I zink I am gonna Scheiße myself."

Heavy smiled and place his lips around Medics stretched boy hole before then useing his tounge to stimulate the anus and guide the delicious wet offering into his mouth.

"Yes, I deserve this for cheating and been a fag." Heavy smiled whilst his lips met the warm sticky, gooey mess. His taste of his own semen and his lovers faecal matter dancing upon his tongue.

Medic grunted and moaned like he was in labour as Heavy chewend and swallowed the bad smelling rectum refuge not caring about the atrocious smell, or lumpy consistency.

Then it was all gone. Heavy liked the puckered hole clean with his tongue like a wet wipe before licking any last remains from his lips. "Thank you for Sex doctor," thanked Heavy.

"You're Velcome," said Medic hugging him, thankful he had a person who loved him enough to eat his shit, B4 relising "Heavy… you arnt a fag anymore."

Heavy looked at his reflection in a puddle of their seman. All of his emo shit was gone even the piercing were all healed and he diddnt lok like a fag no more.

"Yes," Heavy cried, "Heavy is back babies, sex really does solve everything."

"Everyone else was quite shoked by the intimate shit eating that they had just witnessed and felt a bit sick, but they were happy at the same time that they were all together again."

"Well," said engineer " Now I've seen everything."

And it should have been the end of this chapter there but it wornt!11111111!11 Because the aurthor has just relised that there is no final battle and every other chapter had a final battle… S o now I have to think of one… Got it…

Just after Engie said "Well Now I've seen everything." It turned out he haddent because all of a sudden at that moment Obease Saxton hale came throught the roof of the infirmary sex doungeon roof.

"I'M SAXTON HALE," said pissed saxton hale angrily. "I WENT TO GET NEW CARGO SHORTS AND NOT OTHER SHORTS LIKE SHORT SHORT BUT NOT OF THEM FIT BECAUSE I AM TOO OBEASE." And saxton hale took a big bite of portal cake which was on a plate which he had brought with him. " Now I am going to kill all of you who are fin and get revenge on the world and this cake for making me fat."

"Mission begins in 10 seconds said the announcer." And then the fight began (but only Heavy, Medic, Scout n Demo could fight because everyone else is tidyed up still)

Saxton hale turned out to be a formidable enemy, even while obease. How can we stop him thought everyone.

"I don't know" said soldier.

But then Sniper relised something "He is Australian like me, in Australia the Mustach is the source of all great powar." "To defeat Saxton hale we must destroy his mustash."

"Ja" said Medic, Sniper was full of good ideas today. And Medic said "Archimedes, I choose YOU." And Medic through his Pokeball to release his dove (Meidc is a Pokémon trainer now, don't like don't read) and arcamedes flew out of the ball and riped of Saxtons mustash. B4 Giving it to pyro who burnt the mustach with hand fire powers.

"Victory said inouncer"

"No my source of Powar!111" said saxton hale braking down in crying. "I diddnt mean to get all fat, but the cake was so yummy. All I wanted was revenge on the world 4 making me fat."

Heavy felt sad 4 saxton cause he was fat 2 so he knew how it was. "Is Okay," he said "Here take this, it will help"

"What is it," asked saxton.

"Is coupon 4 liposuction," said Heavy, "You can use it to get thin."

"You would do that for me," said Saxton, shocked that someone he bearly knew would do somrhting that cool 4 him "but if I take coupon then how will u get thin.?"

"Heavy smiled, and said "I lernt a sexy lesson today, I lernt that I don't need to be thin to be happy, as long as I have doctor." And Medic hurd this and was touched by it.

"Oh Heavy :3 I LOVE YOU." And they kissid.

Saxton hale was verythankful for the coupon. "You have done a good thing for sazton hale. If there is anything I can do for you… I am wrich U know…"

And Heavy thought for a second before saying "Actualy THer is 1 thing," and he whispered it to saxton hale."

"Of course, said saxton, "hERE AND he put an Item into Heavy TF2 backpack. "I wish you2 the very best," and saxton left throught the roof the same way he had cum using saxton ability which he has because he is Australian the master race.

Well," said engineer " Now I've seen everything."

But he STILL haddent seen everything because 1 more thng had to happen B4 the end of the tale.

Heavy went into his TF2 back pack and pulled out 'Something Special for Someone Special' (which is realy expensive item in tf2 store cause it is like $50 I mean fuck) and got on knee and said. "Medic Chan, will you marry me?"

"Medic was so shoked of the proposal that his face fell off and everyone in the room became anime charecters. "OMFG Heavy KUN." Medic said, hideing his embaresment behind a kawaii fan, the gentle Japanese wind (which some how worked inside) blowed threw his Geisha boy hair cut all and kawaiily and the petals of the flowers in his hair fluttered around kawaiily . "OF COURSE I VILL MARRY YOU. I LOVE YOU HEAVY KUN."

AND THEY YAOI BARA KISSED ALL CUTELY AND THEN THEY EAT SOME POCKY SEXILY

"I LOVE YOU TOO MEDIC CHAN."

Everyone elsed went "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," Beacues it was rely cute and they were happy for them and a notification poped up on the screen that said 'Medic ass hat has accepted Heavy's "penis head" Congratulations!'

Well," said engineer pissed cause this was the 3rd time he ha had to say this" Now I've seen everything." It was the end of the day now and everyone was tired so they went upstairs to enjoy the final hours of daylight of der day of.

After the story…

Heavy and Medic started planning their Wedding together and were all excited but then medic saw that he infirmary was a mess from Spycrab in last chpter and was PISSED and that someone had stolen all of his sperma samples from his fridge.

Engie picked up the plate that Saxton hale had brought with him which had had the portal cake on it. He recognised the logo on the cake tin and was sure he had seen it before but he couldn't workout where cum. Meanwhile the realy Chinese minibus driver watched him throught the window takeing down chineese notes before going back to wear the cake came from to report to his master about engineer.

Pyro became a part time barber because he engjoyed burning of saxtons mustach and engie and merasmused pubes and she thought it would look good on her resemay.

Spy got his ass fixed from medic, but the medigun was still ful of heavys cum and it got all over spy. Spy was happy that he never had to fuck heacy again, thought he was still fllen out with siper 4 trying to making him funk heavy. And him and Sniper were not getting along.

Sniper got hitler back and finaly got to do his snipeing.

Soldier, Demo, Meramus and Scout just did stuff… I guess… because the aurthor is feeling too lazy to think of anything.

Sanvich was eaten, so he could no longer tell people to rape and saxton hale grew back a magnificent mustach and got thin, so he got back saxton hale powers.)

* * *

Theend.

* * *

Authoer oke

Well dare you are, I hop that you enjoyed this chapter and will R nd R ;D Any way I have a question 4 evryone. I type in the Word processor and I keep getting RED and BLU lines under ma a word. Dose anyone now what this means?/ I am qonfused and Scared :(. Tanks guys 3


	5. Chapter 5: Scout's Daddy Drama - Part 1

Scout's Daddy Drama: A Tale of How Scout became a non-bastard.

PART 1

* * *

Otters Note:

Hi everyin, so I decided that I was going to right a roally funny story this time, but the story will not just be funny it will also have holsum family values. This wilt be my longest tale yet and will have a special guest ont it so I hope you enjoy!1111:3

Genre: Humour/Comfort

Rated: J for JERRY!

WARNING: CONTAINS SCEANS OF MARRIAGE

ANYWAY on with the show… lights… camera… action…

* * *

It was a bright and sunny midday in Tuefort, New Mexico. The wedding bells were ringing into the distance, swinging back and forth like a large pair of magnificent steel testicles, the Mann Co. store was having a buy 1 get none free on all hats over $7, and RED Sniper was taking a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.

"Arrrrr… piss," grinned the Sniper, the piss of his bladder filling the jar muchly with many wonderful gallons of his highly distilled urine. There was so much piss this time that Smiper found it hard to fit it all in the jar. He'd been brewin' this cloudy liquid of yell low in his blader 4 a few days to get it just right. Smiling he looked at it. He NEw it would make the perfect wedding gift for his soon to be matrimonial friends and, though the present he was giving didn't cost a money, it was made with him bye love because it had been produced by his powerful australium kidneys and stored in his iron bladder. Howerever, the more he looked at his gift he had mad, the more he relised that there was still something missing…

Sniper pondered over this? trying to think of what the missing thing could be… When all of a unexpected.

…A voice of Francis came into the entrence hall of the nunnery, which is where they was. The voice noised "You're giving a jar of urine as a wedding gif, why am a not supervised?"

"Oh G'ay Spoi," Sled Sniper recogniseing the voice.

"Don't G'day me," saud spy throwing off his invisible angrily and making him able to be seen Am still not talking to you, you got me raped." And spy crossed his arms in a strip.

Sniper was annoyed, he had been super cool to spy of late to try and preserve there relation ship but spy wouldn't let anything go. "Ur still not over that?... He asked it was like a week ago… and besides whets a little rape between friends" And Sniper playfully punched spy in the arm like they were good frieds and still funking.

Spy frowned, "I will never be over that. You praticaly had me surved my ass up on a plate, to a hungry trouser snake by withholding the sexual congress from my penis. No one should withhold sex. Your lucky that I don't press charges."

"Hey, Don't go blameing me 4 that spoi, If you cared about me more and would have made a sex doll of me to prove your love then I would not have suggested you be raped. How am OI supposed to no you care if you don't have a replica of me exclusively for sex."

Spy looked guilty for a minuet because sniper had a poin, but then he didn't because he still got force fed an angry russion penis against his will because sniper threatened not to sleep with him. and he disappeared again In a way which ment he couldn't be there any more.

Sniper sighed. He was fighting with spy at the moment and that made him sad. Spy used to be pretty cuul to sniper and they would sleep with eachother a lot and have a lot of sex because they weren't realy sleepin, but then Sniper found out that Spy had been pounding vadge behind his back. He still remembered that day…

That day Sniper had been takein a dump in his camper van. It was a meesy dump that went everywhere and it had been difficult for sniper to aim his poop into the toilet bowl because pooping was harder to control then peeing. Then Snipers fone did range.

It twas MEDIC!. "haLLO herr Sniper," yed Medic over the phone, "Is Herr spy zher?, I have been trying to find him all day but I can't because he is a spy and I cant see him, I have the results of his STD investigation."

Sniper whipped his dirty ass, shocked whilst still on the phone, talking to medic over the phone. "What do you mean STD test Doc, Spy has only bean sleeping with me so he shuldnt need an STD test."

"CALM YUR NIPS HERR SNIPER, GAWD. I am just giving the results so don't hate on me." Eny vay, Spy tested positive for extream carpet burn on his penis. My diagnosis, too much time beating the dust out of crotch rugs, you should tell him to keep it in his pants 4 a vile until his between-the-legs-Eiffel-tower is in a condition safe for havein sexual relations again. Al Feed A Zane. Medic thought.

Snipers Hearts Shattered AS he relized that Spy had not been loyal and had sleped with many other people. The Sniper cried for many hours until spy came back and they had sex but the sex diddnt go very well.

Ever since that day Sniper had known that Spy had been cheating, but Sniper never said anything because he could not find anyproof that Spy had been sleeping around because it is imposible to spy on a spy. It was one of those things in life which wasent good.

Sniper sluked throught the entrence hall remembering all the unsatisfying blow jobs he had given and recived over the years from and 2 Spy. He loved Spy, but it was hard to be with someone who enjoyed the company of many people.

Then Sniper walked into a table because he was not looking where he was groin.

"ARRGGRHHBBE!111" Yelled Sniper, Having walked his groin into the corner of a table and it had hertz him a lot. "WANKA, FUCKING SHIT FUCK CUNT BASTARED WANKER." It had hurt very much. "WHO PUT THIS FUCKING TABLE HEAR!" He asked but no one answered. But then an answer came.

"IT IS A GIFT TEBALA," said a very chineese voice.

Sniper looked around and could see that he was looking at some very assian looking eyes. They were thin slity eyes that looked kind of like a vagina on its side. It was the minibus driver.

"A gift table, said Sniper it suddenly mafe sense that the table was their because people would use them to get free presents from people on there weeding days.

"Yes," the chinesse guy in china and then he put a sexily raped present on the table and left out of the front door of the nunnery.

Sniper looked at the man leave and wondered why he was their because no one liked him and he wasent invited, but he was going now so it was cool. Then Sniper looked at the wrapped present and then he relised what it was his jar of piss was missing. His jar of piss needed to be raped just like all of the other presents. Looking around to check there was no one around Sniper began to carefuly unrap the present from the china man so that he could steel the paper for his own gift.

Sniper giggled whilst doing this, he was a cool nice guy but sometimes it was fun to be bad. It didn't matter anyway because the gift was from the chineese guy and was probably a stupid plastic thing that said "Made In China." But it wasent…

When Sniper had opened it he saw that it was a catalogue. But it wasent a catalogue from Mann. Co like the other catalogues that were back at the base, but instead was a catalogue from a place called 'Aperture Science.'

"Humm," said Sniper, it sounded interesting and different so he kept looking at the front cover of the catalogue, it said.

"Lead Manufactures of scientific sex toys. Now you're penetrating with portals."

Sniper laughed and thought that that sounded pretty cool. It was nice to know that there were still people out there who wanted to keep sex toys exciting. Sniper also thought that the name was realy cleaver because apertures are holes and holes are what you penetrate so the name and tag line made sense and was clever. Then sniper put his now wrapped jar of urine on the gift table and went to get a seat in the nunnery ready to watch the weding.

Meanwhile in the left wing of the nunnery… Spy walked sexily up the hall not invisibly because he did not want to waste his coke. He was pissed that Sniper had gotten him raped by Heavy still and he thought that it was not cool of someone to get someone else raped. As he thought about the rape he stoped walking and began to rub his ass, even though his ass had been mended he still remembered how it hurt to have such a big dangerous penis in his butt. But then spy herd a voice behind him.

"Hey, Spy," said Demo from a small room. "We need a hand with Medic's dress can you come here for a minute."

"But of course," Spy smiled, He was classy Frenchman and he thought that wading dresses were totally hawt and he knew that he would definatly mastrabate to the dress after the weding was over.

Spy walked into the dressing room where Pyro Demo and Medic were.

"Spy, zhank Gabe you're here." Said Medic. "You fuck a lot of vomen, you must know your vay around a dress. Can you do me up?"

"we Monstieur," said spy and he began to do up the back of the dress with his womanizer hands, making sure to fondle all the detailing on the drass as he went until it was all done up. "This is a very buatiful dress," he whispered, holding the doctor's waste and grinding his hips into the soft white fabric and against Medicks firm ass. He knew that he was getting a stiff spy thigh shaft. Spy didn't used to be attracted to Medic cause mesdic wasent Spy's type, but ever since madik had gotten implants spy thought that he had a real high-quality butt, and if he wasent getting married soy would have done him.

"9, Get off," angered medic. (He usualy wouldn't have minded been grinded on but 2day was his wedding day and he wanted to be a vegan bried.)

Spy eluctantly let go and felt his protrosive penis protest in his pants.

"I apologize doctor,I dont no what came over me (not like that you sickos)."

Ant Medci LOLed "It allright, im quite flattened actualy ;3" and he bushed. "Do yozink that this dress makes my gluteus look big?"

"…" sad Spy. He DID NOT now how to answer this question. Spy was not a doctor like Medic and DID NOT now what a gluteus was. Then Meldik invited Sapy to look at his plump choclate cunt and spy knew it ment his ass. "Your derrière is as large as my erection for you." Spy said in a non-sexual way because thet arejust friends and are not doin the nasty.

Medic giggled "smexily, Spy you are an honest friend to me on zhis day. Zhank you."

Spy Smiled. Then Pyro came.

"Mmmmph mmmph mm mmmmmmmmph mmph," alaberated Pierow carrying a makeup in his feminine pyro purse. And Pyro did Medics makeup so that he looked realy prety and hot (Pyro can do makeup the good because he hes a vigina so he knows how it is done). "Mmmph," said Iro happy with his good makeup work.

Medic looked in the mirror and thought Pyro did the best job of makeup that Nedic had sin.

Spy saw this and got very turned on more that before and the brain in the head of his penis took over. Spy acidentely said "I want to cum on your face."

"WOE," said Medic knowing that this was a thing of a sexual intent and that was not cool because they were ment to be only friends "ZHAT ISN'T FUNNY SPY I AM BIT TROTHED."

Pyro shook her head and thought that Spy was been a big perve.

"Vat is vrong vith you today? You have been a perve and I have been cool vith it because we are friends but now you have gone too far."

Spy was ashamed of himself somewhat and said "If you must know, me and Viper have had a fallin out and I can not have sex with him at the moment and I am French so I have to have sex or master bat at least 5 times a day or I will get increaebly horney."

"Oh said Medic understanding this difficult situation It is not health for you to keep all your balls full of semen. You need to empty them for the good of ure health or your balls will become swollen and everytim you sit down you will cream your pants. Cum to the infermiry this tommoro morning and I will give you a medical blowjob.

Spy miled, he thought that it was cool that he cud get free blowjobs.

The spy was gonna disappear but Miec sad. "SPEYE WEIGHT… I still need to smell nive 4 my wadding. Do you have any perfumes?"

Spy stook his head. "It is a common miss conception that te Frnan were stuff that smells good. In reality my people secreat a powerful feramone in out sweat that smells good to other people. The French evolved to have dis ability after they used to be killed a lot because no one liked them but then they started smelling good so people didn't mine them as much."

Medic nonded and understands, the Jermans had a similer adaptation for killing jews which involved the secretion of powerfull airborn toxins which would temererily disable a jews moter neurons rendering them helpless for a short period of time. (This was slowly falling into obscurity though as, with the queen jew of israle exterminated, the jews wood soon all be not alive as there was no safe place for them to breed and the jew killing toxin wood no longer be needed and wood be bread out cause that's how evolution works.)

"Can I have some of your sweat then," asked medic nowing that he had to smell good because marrige was the most important time of a pocket medic's life.

"Fine," said Spy and he reached out for a nearby rag rubbed his forehead and under his arms. "I have not done much sweating too day it is quite cooled."

Rub it in ure crotch, suggesting medic, that is a nice sweaty area.

Spy shool his head, "you cant have any of that. The power of French crotch sweat is so powerful you will not be abole to survive it. You'll remember how the French have the powart to seduce supermodels, well this is hoe we do it. It is an extreamly powartful seduction secretion that manipulated the mind of the victim but it does not work on people you care about because the subcontious stops it from workin on them."

"Wow, Medic said ," "He had lerned fso much today about different cultures.

Then it was time for the weddin to start.

Spy went into the nunery toom where the weeding would happen.

He took a seat that was real far away from sniper and pretended that he DID DNOT CARE, but he secretly did and wanted to sleep with him but he couldn't cause they were in a fallinf out.

Demoman did some standing at the front of the room at the alter in a cool loking white sute "Demonman had to wear a white suite casue he is black and if he wore a black suit no one wood know where he started and where he ended and he would just look like a big black blob."

Heavy was also at the alter and he WAS nor wearing a suit because they could not find one that fitted him in time for the weding so he just had to stand with only his thong on. The the door opened and a bunch of coves cane ub and sat in the rafters and did soom dove noises all sexily and then midec came (so he had to clean it up). Then Methdick came into the toom with Engine ear who was his bead man (because Medic and Engie and like BFFFs 4 eva and they are getting along good and Engie is a cool guy even thought he is a texan cowboy.). Pyro came behind them and through the petals of fire flowers sexily like a wet electrick tooth brush throwing out drips of water when it spins around.

Heavy felt is thong tighten seductively whene methadic came to him. Hvy took the veil out of MDIS face and They stood and looked at eachother sexily and everyone knew that they wud have had a sex right there but they wouldn't cause that was rude to do during a weding.

Demo got out the big book of gabe and started to read of it. Demoman had been voted to be the vicor gut cos he was black and black vickrs are cool cause they are sassy and make the lols cum to people with there preaching.

He began to RED: "Hornily Beloved, we have gather hear 2day…"

But then Mdei c looked at him like a Nazi and he knew he was to get to the important part and he flipped thorough the book sexily to the page he was loin for.

"Do you, Hoovy, take this nazi to fuck and to suck, to ram in the can, until AIDS do you part?

"I will," sayed Hevy

"Alright, do you, Medick, take this communist to ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto?"

"I vill," slayed Methic

Then arcamedes bought the wedding rings which where tied to his cute little dove legs and he sat on demos white suit cause he needed to poop and no one would notice there. They untied the rings and put them around oneanother penis using there mouths.

"Then by my powerd combined," said Demo, "I know pronounce you bear and bitch, you may give the bitch a BJ." So heavy got on his knees and started to blow Medic, until he squirted his Medical ointments all over heavy face and the front row of the congregation.

Everybody cried and whipped the tears and crotch cream away from their feaces. It was a very touching site. Then medic tossed off the bouquet over his soldier.

"OMG," yelled shoulder, "And soldier roket jumped in the air to grab the bocay (cause that is what you do at wedings.) BUT HE WAS NOT FAST ENOUGH… before soldier got to the bocau sniper acidentely sniped the bocay with his hand and caught it with great accuracy because snipers have to have a good aim for moveing things.

"Fuck," said Soldier and Sniper. Soldier wanted to catch it and didn't so he was saf and diaper didn't want to catch it but did because he was to control his sniper Skill.

"Oh wanka thought Sniper. He looked at the bocay and it made him a mixture of human emotiongs. Sad and Angry and a combination I call Sadgry. The bocay reminded him of a commitment and how SSpy had not been so so Sniper began to defile the bocay by Stamping, Spiting and Urinating on it.

Then demoman got out the weding deeds of body ownership to the married couples bodys so that fucking was now not resulting in going to H E double hockey sticks.

"Here you go," said Demo. "Here is a vip pass for ass," and he gave Medic's body deeds to Heavy

"^_^" daif Heavy.

And then Demo gave some to Medic but he couldn't give them to him.

"Give me my deeds :(" said Medic, but demo could not besto them upon him because it was a ganste the laws of gabe and man.

"according to this legal document you are already married, I can't let you have this because we do not support polygamy (U DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS? ASK BING NOT GOOGLE, BING IS LONELY AND NEEDS A FRIEND :D ) If you want them You will have to 1) divorce your wife, or 2) Kill your wife.

"T_T" and medic started to cry.

"Is okay," orgasmed Heavy suportivly "We kill wife together doctor :)"

Amd medic dried his eyes (even the one at the end of his penis) and hugged Hevy, happy that he had a sexual husband who wood help him kill his wife so they could be together.

":3" said Heavy and Medic and they did some gay stuff but then...….

A psycho air ian bitch opened the door of the nunery. ((don't worry beckster it isn't you ;D) if you arnt beckster then don't read this because it wont make sense luls) The bitch walked in and she had cool looking big boobs and bond hare and that went down to her boobs. Everyone looked at her awesome lookin clevlage, and pyro became all bitchy because that is what happes to women when a pretty women come near another women and everyone got worried because they thought that there would be a bitch fight.

Then medic almost shat himself in fear "VAT IS MY VIFE DOING HERE?" he assed

"That's your wife?!" observed Spy, "Nice tits."

"Yeah," said Scout "I'd bonk her between the boobs."

Then Medic's wife walked like a bitch into the room her big Aryan breast bouncing everywhere like a hoppity hop attached to the back of a car and been drug down a road.

Everyone thought that they looked prety cool and wondered how such an ugly gay old man got such a hot wife but then they worked out that she probably married him for money case that is what uneducated attractive wimen do.

"YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE LICKING, CUM CONSUMING BASTARD CHEATING CUNT!111," she said.

"VHAT ARE U DOIN HERE? D:" asked Medic with an angry growl.

"I FOUND YOU'RE PHONE YOU CUNT," She said "IT'S NOTHING BUT GAY PORN OF YOU AND YOUR BUTT BUDDY BOYFRIEND, AND NOW YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED?!111" YOU NEVER FUCK ME IN THE VAGINA AND FILM IT, AND WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. IM GONNA KILL YOU U CHEATIN CUNT!11. and the bitch pulled out a kitchen knife and ran and stabbed Medic in the ribs.

Holly Shit said everyone, there was nothing quite like a good old fashioned homicide attempt at a wedding and they all gathered round to watch.

Medic bled all over the floor but no one was worried because that is what is supposed to happen when you are stabed.

Then Medic's wife grabed medic by his hair and pulled his head back while putting the knife up to his throat. "No one cheats on Medic's wife," said Medic's wife, "Not even Medic." And she was about to cut his throats.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" SCREAMED heavy dramatically, and he use his Warrior Spirt gloves to punch Medocs wif in her vagina. He punched so hard that he gloved had sliped up her cunt and hit her G spot and clit at the same time.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!1111111111" Screamed Medic wife and she litarily exploded from the only and BIGEST orgasm from a man she had ever had because she had never been fisted before.

"Ewwww," grose lolled every one and they claped because it had been funny to watch.

"OMG," cried Medic healing himself "Im… Im free, ZE BITCH IS DEAD!2 =D" and he jumped happily in the puddles of blood, splashing around like he was a kid juping in puddles in the rain, pattering blood around as he went.

"Mmmmph :D" saod Pyro, the explosion looking like a piñata been broken open in pyroland, and Pyro ran to join in the fun of jumping in the happy candy sugar water, before then forcing the bloody chunks of medics dead wife through the great of his gasmask nozzle so that she could eat the yummy candies form the pinyata.

"Lolz" said Demo, "I guess you can have the deeds now shes dead" and he gave Medic the deads to Heavy so that the marrige process was compleat.

"Wooo," said Heavy and Medic, "let's go and consummate," and they wend to the nunery sex quarters to have a gay old time.

"Boy howdy" Enginear said as he went and got a punch form the drink table. "That was quite a weding," THen Engine dRANK THE punch.

"Yeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaawwwww," sid Engineer in discussed because he is Texan, "What is in this punch?."

He looked at it suspiciously and noticed somekind of jiggily fleshy brest in the punch so he grabed it thinking it was a part of dead medic wife that had blown everywhere. But to his surprise the breast wouldn't come out of the punch…

What the Hell. Asjed engineer….. but just then…. A hole whore came out of the punch.

And Enginerr spat it out because he did not want to die of gonarea of the mouth.

"Do y'all know why is there a Hoe in the Punch." Engineer asked.

"Im not a hoe," said the hoe. "Im the entertainment, no traditional weding is compleat without a striper ;D" Then the whore got out of the punch and kneaded her boobs around like a ball of dough been needed by a baker in a bakery full of naked women. En

Gineer looked at this and felt very horny.

"I bet you know how to milk big soft udders, don't you cowboy?" she asked.

"Oh… Well… I…." and engineer did now how to do this but he knew that Pyro would not be happy if he embraced the bosom of anouther woman so he said "Sorry ma'am, But I already have a cow." But Pyro hear this and he got angry that Engi had called her a cow and started to argue with him.

Sniper cringed at the fighting Enginner and Pyro, and so did Spy, they were both reminded of there not-going-well-right-now realtion ship and they didn't know what to do so they both went out of the infirmary to gat some art.

The whore shrugged, confused at why the too sexy men had left the room and did not want to look at her boobs but she though that there had to be something going on that she didn't get.

"URE A HOT BITCH," said Merasmus doing a majic spell do make his penis look better and the whore slaped her ass at him. Merasmus, Soldier, Demo and Scout cheered the striper on but then scout noticed something.

"OOOOOMMMMMGGGGG!1111, MA WHAT ARE YOU DOIN HEAR."

"That's your ma?" asked Merassmus and Soldier and demo, lolling at Scouts misfortune, "ROFL what a whore XD"

"No…" shouted Scout, "Shut URE FUCKING FACE FAGS MY MA IS NOT A WHORE!11" and scout grabed hold of his ma's arm and dragged her to a corner of the ruum away from everyone who was laugthing at them.

"MA! What are you doing," asked Scout Ure imbaresing me infront of all of my friends."

Scouts Na lolled "Aww, she said, My sun still gets imbaresed my his Ma, cum here and give me a big kiss."

But scout pushed her away before she could kis him. "Im cerial ma, Ure making yourself look like a slut infront of all my friends, and that makes me look like a whore kid cause I cam out of ure cunt. U need to stop N put some cloths on."

Scouts ma got a bit angery, "Scout," she said, "How dare U spek to ure Ma like that, I am not a Slut I am a whore, I get paid 4 ma services. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find work in this male dominated society, of cause U don't cause you R a guy. I provide a cool service to both men and women n U don't even support me, If a guy wanted to be a prostitute no one would bat an eyelid but if a woman finds work as a prostitute she is imbaresing to her son? That is very untolarent, Now go to ure room and think about what U have done."

"You never think about what you been a whore says about me," screamed scout like a spoiled bratwurst before running out real fast and imbaresed.

Then Scout's Ma went back to flashing her large bresticles at Merasmus, Soldier and Demo.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Cried Scout, Runing quickly to outside, where he could be sad and the others wood not see. "Why does my Ma have to be such a whore :..(" he questioned sadly.

He depresidly sat on the steps of the nunary and did a bit of crying and thinking about how his ma was a whore and how he had always been made fun of for it because he was a bastard child. As he thought about this he could hear Heavy and Medic going at it for the 34th time in the sex chamber of the nunery upstairs, (scout could here this cause the window was open.) This made him even more sad because he wished that his Ma could have goten a marrige so that he would have had a dad and would not have been a bastard.

"Are you alright mate?" asked Sniper.

Scout looked up to see the handsome Australian man and his sexy looking hat. "Sniper what are U doing here," sad sad scout.

"I just needed to get a bit of air," said Sniper awquadly but he was actualy there because he did not want to be where spy was because they were in a falling out and thigs were awquard between them. "U don't look happy."

Scout sighed sadly "Sniper," he said whilst the erotic ozzie sat next to him, ready to lend an ear, "My ma is a whore Sniper," He whimpered.

"Im sorry mate," said Sniper "Im sure that U will be alright."

"NO it is worse than that," Scout continued, she sleeps with loads of people and because she sleeps with so many people she dosent know who my dad is because she was doin hard drugs when she got preg with me which makes me a bastard and everyone makes fun of me for it

"Sniper did not know what to say, he knew it had to be hard 4 scout to have a mum who did not care enough to know who his dad was, so Sniper just put his hand on Scouts inner thy and rubbed it suportivly.

"And all this talk of marrige n stuff, Scout continued, "It reminds me that my ma is not married and I am a bastard and… and," and Scout started to cry.

"Awwwww, Don cry mate," said Sniper, giving scout a cool hug, knowing that there was only one way to fix scouts problem, "I'll help you find your dad Scout," said Sniper.

"Really,?" sid Scout.

"Yeah," said Sniper, he was happy to lean a hand and helping scout would help take his mind of Spy. "I know what it is like to have a dad who isn't there for you, my dad never supported me at been a sniper and was never there 4 me so i KNOE ehaw it is like."

Sniper Stood up with scout and they did some walking into the nunery. "We will start at the beginning to find out who ure dad is sad sniper, you began in your mum's cunt so we will look there first. If there is any clues to who ure dad is they will still be in there and she might remembers something aobut the men she slept with the night when she got preggy with U so that we can start to track down ure dad.

Scout Smilled, he knew that If anyone could help him track down his dad it would be Sniper because he is a bushman who knows how to track things good.

Together they got into the weding room of the nunery and looked for scouts ma, but it turned out that Merasmus, Demom and Soldier had already paid her and she had left.

"Thanks for trying Sniper," said Scout, "But I guess I will always be a bastard."

"Egggh," angered Sniper "I have never lost an dirty animal I was traking and Im not starting today, we will have to go to boston and ask her."

Everyone looked at eachother like Sniper was crazy. They all knew that Boston was the most getto place on earth and it was not really a safe place to do but Snpier was not detured by this.

"But how will we get there said Scout, we haven't got enough moneyz."

Everyone thought hard about this problem.

MEANWILE on the roof, SPpy Sat on the roof. He was feeling realy sad and he didn't know what he should do to make things better for him and Sniper and he thought about all the cheating he had done thinking he had realy been a piece of shit 4 cheating but he knew that he was addicted to sex and could not stop himself… He didn't realy care that much about been raped but he kept on bringing it up to deture from the real problem that he had been a cheater and had commitment problem.

BUT Then…,,,,,,,,, Spy smelt some stuff coming towards him and it was actualy Medic comeing out to get some air but he was smoking.

You shouldn't smoke said spy benn a hipocrit, It's bad for you.

This isn't a ciggaret said medic it is "an after sex blunt with marijuana vhich is good because it is drugs and doctors give out drugs like candy because it is good for you but the government does not vant you to know zhat." Then Medic inhaled the marijuana smoke sexily and blew it in spys face and laughthed.

"Huuuh," saighed Spy sadly, wishing that he was also high.

"Vooots ze matter Soy," assed Medic highly.

Medic "said Spy, Can I talk to you as a patient,"?

"Go 4 it ;D," said Medic

"I think that I am addicted to the smooth texture of vagina, and the sweet carres of a tight anus."

"How so," asswd Medic

"Well," Spy continued, "When I was a young boy in france my father wood take me out to look for women to have a sex with, In france it is important that the older generations teach the younger generation how to get pussy because if they didn't our spices would go extinict because no one likes the French that much. By the age of 12 I had visit 78 vaginas and had taked pictures of each one and it had been truly a great experience and I graduated from sex school top of my class, but that was not enough for me, I knew I still had to have more vaginas. Thats when I became a Spy, I could sneak from place to place and have sex with people and no one knew who I was. Over the year it continued to get worse because once you pop in one vadge you cant stop. But then I met Sniper and thought that he was totally hot and everything and we got along real well but then I could not control my addiction to sex and I slept with other people and cheated on him and it is not fair on him."

Medic Put his hand on Spys back and preached "Sex addiction is a very cerial thing, sex is an important part of everyday life but you should not get addicted because that is not healthey for you or your partner.

"I know," said Spy "Will you helps me get over my addiction and fix my relationship?"

"I vill said Medic, "It is my job to make sure that you are health and sexual health is a big part of that so I will help."

"Spy cried in happiness that he was finaly getting medical help for his addiction, "Merci : ) ," he said, before Frenching Medic in a French manner to thank him for been cool.

Cum on said Medic lets go inside and Vork out a Vay to make you less addictive.

So Medic and Spy walked inside togher and Medic did some more medical preaching to spy like a annoying fuck ass.

But then they were in the weding room where everyone was looking between the pillows of the pews for money.

"Vhat are you do in," asked medic.

"Were, looking for Mony, said Demo, It's to fund Snipers dangerous expedition to Boston to find Scouts dad."

Oh shit thought Spy loudly and he shuffled around awquardly but Medic was thinking this was a good idea,

"This is a good idea he "said," there are lots of a brothels in boston and night walkers, it is the perfect place 4 U to face ure addiction Spy, plus U can fund the exposition by using your money.

"What mony," said Spy

"You bought stocks in Mann co. remembers, said Medic, just sell those socks and we can use the money."

And spy didn't want to but he knew it would get him closer to not been a sex addict so he did the funding and then it was time to go.

"Everyone abourd," said Captain Sniper as everyone got into his campervan for the trip. It was a tight fit and there was only enough room for everyone. Heavy was not helping this situation as he was a fat man and had to sit where 2 people could sit (It was okay though becase Medic sat on his lap for the ride and they sloted togher like puzzle pieces with the assistance of a penis). Sniper drove his van for the 10 minuet trip until they got to boston.

"It's so getto," said demon man blackly, "we might get mugged by some cunts on the street."

"Don worry," said Scout, " I bought some clothes for us to wear so that we blend in, like all the bostiniuns who live hear." And Scout gave everyone some clothes to wear that made them look like pimps and there hoes so that they would not be a suspicion. Scout, Engie, Solly, Demo, Merasmus and Heavy put on the pimp cloeths while Spy, Medic, Sniper and Pyro dressed like hoes

Then Sniper pulled up his van outside of a brothel. "This looks like the place," he said.

Everyone got out of the van and looked at the brotel. The sign above the door said "Slutty Scout's Ma's Super Sexual Sex Service Station," And there were naked pictures of Scouts Ma on the door. Everyone looked at her boobs and penis and thought that she was pretty hot (except for scout cause he is her son sickos :3).

Let do this, said Scout ready to know who his dad was and he went inside with all his buddies for moral support. The inside of the brothel was full of horny men and women having sex with prostitutes and everyone (isspesicily Spy had to) try real hard not to get all turned on.

"Theres the front desk," said Scout and they all walked to it.

"Wow said the desk hoe," we went expecting a party of 10 perverts today, Im afraid that the big sex room is busy but we can still sort something out for you. And she got out a box of prostitutes. "Could I intrest you in one of these hookers 2day?"

"YES," YELLED Spy, his addiction side takeing over him."

"Iright sir," said the desk hoe, "would you like that prostitute with or without nuts,"

"I cant belive U," said Sniper in anger, and He yoused his pointy shoes to kick Spy clean in the delicat bag of skin that hung with his penis."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!111111111111" Screamed Spy in pain.

No violence in the brothel "said the desk hoe, "Not everyone is into that kinky shit, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave."

"But I cant go," said Scout, "I need to talk to my Ma,"

"She works her?" asked the hoe,

"She owns this place said Scout, so with that explained Scout was allowed to go into the brothel but everyone else still had to leave.

"IT'S UP TO U KNOW, SHOUTED SNIPER, REMEMBER, START AT THE BEGINNING, LOOK IN THE CUNT!"

Scout nervously walked in the brothel looking for his Ma's office. Then he heard a lot of horrny grunting and sex noises from behind a door. Is that you Ma? Asked Scunt, and he opened the door to see his ma cowboy style on some old wrickly man, her nipple been twisted so hard that Scout thought that it might cum off!

"Hi honny," said Scout's Ma, "You;re not her for an appointment R U. it's kind of frowned upon for a mom to fuck her son.

"Ma, I'm actualy hear looking for answers, I want to know who my dad is."

Scout's Ma lolled, "Socut," she said ," U know that I was weigh to high to remember that,"

"But I need to knoe, said Scotu. Then he remembered what Sniper had said. "MA," he said timidly, "I need to look in ure Cunt,".

"Oh, said Scout Ma, "I… guess that's okay…. I mean u did cum from it and everything." So she took the penis from the wrinkly man out and spread her legs for scout. " Scout carefully place his hands in his Ma's vagina and opened up the Sausage case to see inside, but he could not see any thing. He knew that there was only one way 4him to really know if there was anything in there, it would not be pleasant but it needed to be done. He took off his hat and ear piece and sloly started to push his head back inside his ma's vagina like he was been born but backwards. It was very difficult to do but thankfully the old mans pre cum lubbed the entrence nicely, making his head slip in much easye.

"Oh God," SCREAMED Scout's Ma, Feeling her Son's head entering her, grasping the bed sheets in pleasure like she was fighting for the last box of koolaid at Wall Mart with some geto bitch. She bit her lip, knowing that she should NOT have been enjoying this but after so many years of pogo sticking on crotches she had needed something bigger inside of her, and her sons head had the girth of no penis on earth.

"Inside Scout lit a match but the pussy juices put it out, the inside of his Ma's vagina was very very dark like Demoman (who was like a person but a blacker colour and no one knew why) and it smelt of fish like what it smells like when you have a big dead fish near you in a bucket. It smelt so bad.

"I can't even see anything!" Scout said but his voice echoed around in her vagina and then the echo came back to him a hit him in the face. "OMG" said scout, remembering something cool about sex education that he had learned once when listening to Emoneer and Medic talking about cool things to do during sex because they were smart. This thing was echo location.

"I know," said Scout, "If I use echo location I can navigate my way around my ma's vagina in the dark and I will not need to use my eyes. So Scout closed his eyes and began to spam "Need a dispenser here." Scout new amediatly that this was the right thing to do because he became like a bat and wriggled his way deeper into her crotch canyon.

Pushing deeper Scout new that he was getting close to womb where he had spent some time before he was been born, but there was never any quiet down time for feetus Scout because there were always penises knoking on the door of the cirvix like when you have a postman cum to your door and there is a postbox and he should delived the mail in the post box but he wont and keeps knoking on the door until you open the door and get the mail.

Scout was there then. He could sense him moms uterus near him because he was her son and they had a biological conection. He looked at the cervix and it made him feel weird and abit gay because it looked like an inverted penis head like in that tribe in Africa that invert there penis so they DO NOT get in the way (but it was a vagina so he was not gay). Then Scout knoked on the door of the servix and it recognised him because he was the last person who had been made in there and he was allowed in.

It was a lot more spacious inside of the uterus because there had been things in there once which wernt there anymore that had streced out the uterus like when you get a haribo star mix ring and use too fingers in a sirsoring motion to spread the ring better so it will fit around your fingers like an anus. Her uterus was like a school jim after a lesson in it cause it was full of kids but then the kids left and now it was just big and empty.

"I need to find out if my dad left anything here," scout said but his hand were all squished up so he knew what to do. Opening his mouth Scout used his tounge to feel the inside of his mom's uterus for anything his dad might have left in there when she knoked him up. Scouts tounge went like crazy around the womb licking everything for anything that might be his dad. Scout licked so much that he was like poor black people (Every black person ;D) at KFC licking not black people fingers.

Scouts Ma started to scream uncontrollably, all her years in the brothel business she had never had a man lick the inner walls of her babay limozine and it was making her crazy!

"AM GONNA WOMAN CUM," sadi Scout's Ma's Vagina, and then the vagina started to do an orgasm.

"What is happening?" asked scout as the vagina started to convoluse around his body because Scaout was so deep in now that the only thing still outside was his legs. Scout suddenly felt some liquids from the vagina splash into his mouth, the sour taste of her soiled pussy making him feel sick and start to throw up, and he quickly pulled his wet pussy covered head out of his mom's penis shelter knowing that he had not found what he needed but there was nothing there.

"I couldn't find any evidence of my dad," Scout said sadly.

"I'm sorry ma boi" Scout's ma said, "But Been a prossy tute, if there was any evidence of ure dad in there, then it would have been destroyed by all the men cock I have ridden as they would have grinded the evidence into dust."

Scout felt very sad, "Well, tahanks anyway Ma" he said, and he sadly left the fron door of the brothel.

"Fuck dis shot said Scout" cicking a can in angery. "Ma Life fucken sucks balls," and he slouched like a saggy sausage of a person on to the side walk. Iam sad he said "I'm always gonna be a bastard, there is nothing that I can do…"

But the rain came down and the Violin music played sadly in the air,

The fuck is that nocise, where is it cummun from? Asked Scout. Do you no what tht noise is?

But he didn't know where it was comeing from but violin was squiky like a ballon making sex noises so he had to find out what it was. Sadly he followed the music to a side ally of a near by gay club. In the ally there was an incredibly gay looking man wearing some gay cloeths and other things that were relay gay.

"Wow he is really gay said scout homicidally." "Homosexuals are gay."

On top of the extreamly gay man was another man who was of ecall gay.

"The're not having sex," said a voice familiar eropean.

Sout turned around to see who the person was who was talking to him and it was… Music and Spa.

* * *

Aathers Note?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN :3


	6. Chapter 5 and a bit: Doom Mates Rewrite

Doom Mates - THE REWRITE!

* * *

We know interrupt this CHAPTER of this Store E FOR AN IMPORTANT ANOUNCEMENT FOR DA AURTHER.

Hell O everyone (Get it cause it is Halloween XD (wELL It was wen I was rit this -_-)) I have something important to announce. Oh what is it? I here U CREYE… Whelk as we ALL KNOW it is that kreepy kinky time of year when it is cool to take what ure parent said about stranger danger, take a shit on it and take candy from dangerous people off the street. It is that time of ure wen that crack addict down my road can get some free visual mastrabation material from looking at da girls whereing slutty clothes, and it is dat time of ure when U can dress like a fuck without been kicked in the balls. It is a great time of year.

All dis said doe we must not forgot all of the braze wizards who make hallowed eve possible. Because of this i was very distort to find out that in this years SCREAM FORTRESSS Comix that …! Merasmus was A VIRGIN :C

Poor Merasmus is like a billion years old but has never gotten any action in the sack. This must be changed so I decleare to you, a re write of "Doom-mates"!1 Enjoy ;3

* * *

That'll be sixteen fiddy pal, said da driver guy in the taxi who was looking like a peron out of that movie about that Olive kid thata wanted more food even though he had already had some (greedy bastard).

Merasmus looked at him all angry. It had been a long taxi ride back from wizardcon where he had been and he just wanted to go into his awesome castel ahd have a sleep and he did not have to pay with money for his taxi. "Oh will it, WILL IT Realy?" He assedk "How about I give you a BJ instead and we call evens, BLOWJOBUS BARRABUS?"

The taxi driver turned ariund and looked at him, seeing all of his old person wrinkles and liver spots and unattractive wonky looking penis lump.

"How about I just Kick yer ugly ass," XD'd the Taxi driver and he used his boot to kick Merasmus in his ugly old ass and out of his taxi B4 STEALING ALL OFF MERASMUSES MONEY OUT OFF HIS MAN PURSE AND DRIVING OFF. (Dis i mention that the taxi driver is black in dis story)

Merasmus growned seeing that he had been robbed by a man of colour. "This day can not get any worse 4 Merasmush said Merasmus but the….

"WELCUM BACK, MERASMUS." SAID A voicw3 the sounded like a quire of American men if there was only one man in the quire.

"SSSSS-Soldier?! O.o WOT R U DOIN HERE AND…. OMGWTF DID U DO TO MY CASTAL?!111 WHY ARE YOU BURRYING THE REFRIJARATOR IN THE FRONT YARD?!11

Solder Started to laught "HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, Im not burying de refrigerator Merassmus ya big silly goose, I am technicaly burying what is in da refrigerator, Oh and don't open da refrigaratoy."

Merasmus felt his but hole open in fear. "BUTT YOU DON'T EVEN live hear anymore…!" he questioned

"Tell me about it said Soldeire I had to break in."

Merasmus was gonna say something to Soldier but then there was a thing that happened. Merasmus felt something tugging at his robes. "Arrrgh," he scemed a bunch of racoons stealing all of the food out of the pockets of his robes that he had bought at wizard con, like flavoured beans and chocolate dogs. "Where did all these Fucking RACOONS CUM FROM.

Oh, said Solid er, they were attracted from all the sour cream flavourd lube I've been hideing, they love the stuff. And soldier held out a tube of lube to show Merassy. "Help ure self to it by the way, I have tons of it and it spoils REAL fast."

Merasmus looked at the tube of lube and his face became long like an piece of chewing gum you pull from yo mouth. He was reminded of his horrible fate, that he would forever be a virgin as the dephs of hell had cursed him with one of the ugglies faces in the whole TF2 universe and no witches or bitches would ever want to sleep with him.

Errr…? Merasmus? U OKAY? Asked Soldier seeing the wizard looking all sad for no reason.

"Ehhh what ? asked Merasmus. Remembering that Soldier was here and was talking to him and had fucked up his house and everything. "I'm fine,"

Soldier did a sad face "U DON'T LOOK FINE," he said genTV "If U have a problem Merasmus you can tell me I arm your ROOM MATE and that is a SACREAD BOND."

"I don't want to talk about it Soldier,"

"Dare is something rong den?" Soldier talked You should totally tell me everything because I can help you if you tell me but if you don't tell me I can not't do anything.

Fine, we;; when I was at wizzardcon I met a totally cute Witch Bitch and she was like Uber hot and had the nices tits of any spectral whore that if a mortal sore them then they would probably die of sexyness, THAT IS A REAL THING! Any way I went up to her and said NICE TITS and she said I was a probably rapeist and everything and kicked me in the majic makers and then all the other wizards laughted at me ):

Soldier shook his head in disbelief, "Wizzards can be so mean he said "I know this one wizard who is a total cunt, fist he took a black guys eye and then he kicked me out of his castle, so I had to break back in."

Merasmu Looked At Soldier With A Dude Ure So Retarded Look

"But seriously Merasmus, U were on pussy patrol and got rejected, no wonder U got so angry about me breaking into your house, Ure penis needs some relief. How about I call us both a hooker, My treat?"

Merasmus shookedn his head. "No soldier, Merasmus is not good with women, I have tried to get laid like so much and I always fuck it up and… and…" and Merasmus started to cry evil wizard tears everywhere which were green and glowy just like everything else that cums out of mERASMUS.

"Don't cry Merasmus," Said Soldier "Maby you have just been looking for love…. … … …. … … … …in the wrong places," and Soldier put his hand on Merasmuses leg all sexy like.

"SOLDIER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" SAID mERASMUS "MERASMUS THE MAGICIAN IS NOT GAY… BUT…. THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST!"

"Shut up Merasmus I am not gay either, I am American, there IS a difference, Now kiss me U CUNT (Cunt get in a cunt lol)"

And they kiss all sexy.

"Shouldn't we go inside first," said Merasmus shy and cutely.

"Stop been so self-conscious everyone has sex in public it is like totally legal now, Since Australia invnted everthing that is modern in the 1800s we are now 100 years ahead with inventinons and laws and shit so it is legal" Siad soldier and they started to sex.

Soldier stood behind his room mate and put his hand up Merasmus' cloke and groped his bootylicious body and magic wand, pumping his American fist up the wizards hardening eldritch staff like he was cleaning the pole of an American flag for the fourth of july.

"Merasmus is… getting a boner," said Merasmus, "using erection magic and VIAGRA." The madishion could feel his roommate's warm emerican ass shovel rub against the back of his leg. It tickled a lot and he could feel the American clam chowder driping from the end and down the exposed flesh of his leg.

I'm going to make you feel like a real American whispered Soldier patriotically, teasing Meramuses right nipple through the musicians wizard cape with his right hand whilst his left hand massaged his groin. "Oh Soldier" merasmus exhaled deeply, his legs going week as both his inchanted nipples and bewitched boner were toyed with, draning his lifefource from his torso.

Soldier Smiled like a rapist at merasmus, whipping the wizards head around for a full frontal asult on his face. Even doe Merasmus could not see his eyes he could tell that Soldier was realy horny. The kiss was agresive and intrusive, Soldier bit hard at the sorcerers lower lip, grunting passion fruitly like he was trying to not be constipated. "I don't like weak legged bitches in my platoon private," he snarled "Get down and give me 20"

Merasmus sliped fron the Solid er s grip and fell to the groot. "20 Push ups?" he asked hesitantly, because Merasmus hated push ups.

"NEGATORY!, said Soldier "Tugs,"

Merasmuses eyes widened in shock. He had never played with another mans cock before and he was quite nervous because he did not no wahat to do.

"Soldier, seeing Merasmus looking all shy desided he would give him a bit of a hand." Haistly he pushed his American pants down letting his hard loyal American manhood throb out of his American made pants. Solder then took hold of Merasmuses hands americanly and placed them on the American shaft of his American crotch gun wich was legal in America under the second amendment.

"Play with my privates, private…" he grinned.

Merrasmus did so yanking on the dick before him. Hw smiled as he did hit enjoying the feel of the warm sticky precum leaking onto his hands. As soldier got harder mERASMUS got more amazde, it was like ten inches long and as wide as his forarm.

"Talk dirty to me," commanded Soldier and Merasmus did so, knowing exacly what would get soldier off…

"Freedom, The White House, Bald eagles, Abraham Link on, Sensible Haircuts, The stars and stripes, and the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!" Said the sorcer infusiasticly, felling the Soldiers cock twitch as he spoke, more cum leaking out onto his hand.

"Fuck, GOD thats SO FUCKING HOT!1," moaned Solder "I FUCKING ~3 AMERICA!1111"

Then Soldier couldn't take it any longer, he started to rip off all of his and Merasmuses cloesths so that they were ready for doing sex.

"Behold MERASMUS HAS RISEN," said Merasmus Showing Soldier his fully erect magic staff which was leaking green pre-magic from the tip.

"Im cumming for you Merasmus, get your spectrall ass over here" And soldier did some getting behind of Merasmus. "Tonigh your ass will be visited by three ghosts, the first is my finger the second is my fist and the third is my pain is… What I'm saying is I am going to Fuck you Merasmus."

"Oh soldier," and Merasmush blushed all hot like "BEHOLED MERASMUSES PORTAL TO THE NETHER REALM," and Merasmus bent over and spread his ass like cling film over a plate of last night's leftovers.

Soldier smiled as Merasmus presented himself to him. Before giving him a firm smack on the rear and inserting one finger into the anus.

oH S-Solider Meramus moaned

Soldier Smiled. "Let me show you a real Magic trick ," He said. "Now you see my fist, Now you don't." And he rougthly forced his whole fist up inside. Beofre then removeing it and inserting his penis for a fuck session.

Soldier thrust patriotically into the socerers wonderful anus, enjoying the tight sensation of his spectral sphincter around his rocket launcher.

"SOLDIER ," MERASMUS SHOUTED "YOU ARE THE BEST ROOMMATE!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.

Soldier grunted and panted, driving his dick into the ass like a pizza delivery guy driving a moped to delivering a seman pizza into a mailslot of a door. He already knew that he was the best roommate, After Merasmus had kicked him out of his house Slider knew that merasmus would get lonely again so he broke into his house to keep the old man company, If that wasent a best roommate he didn't know what was.

The sexyness continued for a further 6 times a day times 4 years, minus we're not bread hours. Soldier continued to move his penis in a military fashion, planning his asult on the wizards prostate carefuly, marking down his milatery stratagie on a map of the male reproductive system before finaly gaoing in to stage 2 of da sex.

Without warning merasmus felt his Solider crotch rocket fill his ass completely full making his majic poop prevention ring tighten. Soldier penis then broke down the door of Merasmuses prostates house and rape the prostates wife and shot it kids like a giniva convention. The majic walnut was beat like an undisaplined chiled been hit very hard by the penis.

Merasmus screamed, he had never experience an orgasam before in his ass and it was like god himself had set up house in his butt. He was going to coum.

"Soldier he SCREAMED" MERASMUS IS GOING TO CUM!1111111111111

"FoWArd NED," Soldier shouted in respons, commanding his men to march from his balls on to the front line.

Solders Sperm Rushed from his balls, out of the penis and in to the trenches of Merasmuse's chocolate battlefield. Quickly they marched up the oraphice and began to perform their duties. Kicking in dors and beating the shit out of provilians they hunted for the thing there lives had led up to. The Egg. But as they hunted they began to relise something bad. They weren't beating the shit out of provilians they were beating the shit out of shit. They Were… in an ass…

Breaking in to tears the sperm soldiers slowly relised there fait. Everyh thing that they had learnt at ball bootcamp was useless to them now, there was only one thing they could do….

Taking out a combat knife the serms started to cut their thtroats in a mass sucide.

Merasmus screeched in pleasure. He had never had a mass suicide in his booty before but it felt pretty good. As an evil wizard he took a lot of pleasure in things killing themselves. IT WAS MAKING HIM SO HOT, HIS CUM WAS NEARLY OUT."

Then it happened. Inside of him the sperms were stacking the dead in a big pile on top of his prostate adding more pressure to that sensitive organ. It was too much.

"MERASMUS HAS CUM!111"! moaned Meras

Mus.

Majic ghost sperm spurted out of his wand filling the air around them in a sexy green air. The shost germs groaned loudly like merasmus and soldier laugthed. They were prety. But then just as soldier was gonna pull out he felt the ghost spurms wiggiling into his muscular anus, and sliding up into his rectum Like a big leach trying to get into a blood pack.

"What THE FUCK," said solider, trying to pull the big riggily sperms out but they were ghosst sperm=s so his hads went through them and they all went into his butt.

"It is a complement if they cum out (lol get it) said merasmus. Usasual whn I masturbate they refuse to come out and say that I am ugly and make fun of Merasmus's face."

"I don't want sperm in me though" said soldier distroatly, "I am not in the positeon to look after a kid right now I am legaly homeless!"

"yOU cant get kids from the fisrtst time, " said Merasy "it is a myth. And next time we can just use the condom-nomicon to summon up a few condoms…." Then merasmus relised "Where is the condom-nomicon anyway?"

All of a all of a sudden there was a scratching biteing noise near him "OMG THE CONDOM-NOMICON all these stupid racoons are eating the CONDOM-NOMICON!/

Merasmus ran like a football player and droped kicked a racoon across the floor hitting a woman who was walking towards them in the face with a raccunt.

"Oh sorry, Merasmus said to the woman I didn't see you there"

The woman looked very angery and held up a badge that said "Rape Police" she spoke. I couln't help but overhear" said the woman "That you put sperm in this man without permission."

"What?" said Merasmus "NO I can insure you it was all consentual."

The woman looked spectacle.

"Did you want cum in you?" She asked.

"Nugatory," said soldier, "It was against my will."

"That's good enough for me." The woman angered and she slaped hand cuffs on Merasmuses wrists.

"What NO!'£ Screamed Merasmus "This is all a big mistake."

"Shut up prisoner," Saif da police (They are cool band from the 80s ;D IF you like them then you are cool) before gooing over sto Solker. "Don't worry," she said ," We will have you checked for STDS and BABBYS AND GET RID OF THEM, Then you will get ome counciling for the rape. Also as compensation for the rape you can have your rapist house to live in. Here are the deeds."

"WHAT !1111111111111111111" MERASMUS CRIED.

"Solider laughted" "Look at this Merasmus" He smiled holding up the deeds "I own you castle of Ostrich Horror now." ;D

"You're rapeing ostriches on the premicess," said the police woman "sick bastard, youre going a way for a long time."

"Soldier PLEASE," Merasmus Begged "Tell her it was consensual!"

"Sorry Merasmus," Soldier said, "But the police said you raped me, it wood be iresponsable of me to let a monster like you rome free."

"BUT I DIDN'T RAPE YOU!1"

"I've herd enought" said the policewoman "Now get in da car"

"ENOUOTH!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!3" Merasmus Cried. Leaving his bodya nd Becoming a big green scary apparition. "YOU THINK YOU CAN BULLY MERASMUS THE MADICAINA LIKE HE IS SOMEKINGD OF CHEAP HOOKER…" Merasma began, before ranting about how he was evil and scary and stuff. But then Merasmus saw something disturbing. "Soldier! Are you burning my body!?"

"Oh Merasmus," said Soldier "I though you were dead"

Merasmus angered "I have been talking to you this whole time!111"

"Ure always talking," Solly said ,"I guess i only notice when you stop,"

"GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCK YOU!" Merasmus said, Snaping in anger and remembering why he kicked soldier out of his castal in the first place.

"Don't' swear at me U shit!" growled SSnipSoldier "That is no way to talk to the person who is having your wizard babies."

"I TOLD YOU, YOU CANT GET BABIES THE FIRST TIME!"

"URE NOT A DR WHO WOULD YOU KNOW!"!

MERASMUS FACEPLAMED IN ANGER "FINE YOU WANT MY BABIES SO BAD, THEN I WILL RAPE YOU AND YOU WILL HAVE MY EVIL SOCERER OFSPRING.

"Soldeir Loled," You can't get me pregger. Soaf Soldeir, " I will only get a bigger penis.

"What said MERASMUS, THAT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT THEN MERASY HAD A FLASH BACK

******************* LAST YEAR *******************

"Soldier," said merasmus to soldier who was in his bathroom "Did you eat my intier bottle of 'Impregnate me, get a bigger penis' pills.

"Oh said soldier" "I thought that was ure heart Medication.

"Ure taking my heartmedication"

"Look Merasmus" said Solly "If ure gonna get all pissy on me I'll just go take my shit in the sink downstairs…"

"Fine," said Merasmus "If I can't impregnate you, I will impregnate everyone you care about!"

Soldier Laughted "I'd LIKE TO SEE U TRY,

***************Latter in the RED base***************

"So then I told That wizard cunt, 'Ha I'd like to see U try,' and that is why you are all getting raped right now.

"Ure a fucking RETARD," said Scout angrily and throwing up from morning sickness.

And everyone got together and beat the shit out of soldier for been such a stupid fuck (except Medic who thanked him cause he made a lot of money from abortions that week)

* * *

THE END (of the interruption of this Chapter)

* * *

Auater Notoub

So there we are, My version of how Merasmus lost his V CARd :P I hope you enjoyed :D Now back to the main story. And HAPPPY HALLOWEEAN !11111 :}


	7. Chapter 5: Scout's Daddy Drama - Part 2

Scout's Daddy Drama: A Tale of How Scout became a non-bastard.

PART 2

* * *

A UATERS NOB

B4 D INTERUPTION OF DIS STORU…

spa and diaper had a phallus ing out so they are not doing the frick frack which was bad because sniper got spar raped ba heavu. heavy is gein marrid thou to medick so they have a marige then they go to sex. Spy ans snapper go outsid to be angry at each other in aloen nus al doe they actualy like each other and want to get penetration. minwhile scout's ma is been a cum bucket so scunt gets sad that he is a bastard so he cries like a pussy so sapper says he wilt help him find his daad in boston. at tha same tam me dice die ag noses phy with sex addiction and thinks going to boston will help him get over addict. so every1 goes to bostom and scout puts he head in his ma's cuuch…

will spy and sniper do some sleppin together?

will scout ever touch a non-relative's vagina?

and will the China people be in dis story more?

FIND OUT IN DE FRILLIN CONCLUSION OF CHAPTER THIVE OF DIS STORY?!

(disclamer: story is not thrinling)

* * *

Sot, Ledic vhat are you doing hear? Scoit asked Confused as to why they were sat in a dirty ally out side a gay club and not inside the club enjoying the view because he knew that both of them were cock connoisseurs.

Medic was sat ontop of a bin playing the amputater like a sympathy of Mozarts because he was that gud, and that was where the violin music was cumin from (The AMPUTATER IS A GREAT WEAPON FOR DA MEDIC AND ANYONE WHO DOSENT THINK SO IS JUST A HATTER AND A N00B AND EVERYTHING BECAUSE IT IS GUD FOR DOING HEALS and meks nice noise BUT I THINK U:BER SAW IS BUTTER).

"I am playing Violin Medic said" Music, "You se, Spy has been diagnosed with been a huge pervert which is bad for society. This is BAD BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE MAY ACIDENTALY BE BASTARDS AND THAT IS BAD. Music and sex are both done in the same part of the brain so it makes sense that is he lisens to lots of music it will make you think less about sex. It is Science."

"Oh" said Scout "Zhat is vhy you are here." But then Socut remember the 2 gay guys behind him doing stuff that was gay and was still confused. "Vhat are zese gay guy doing zhen?" he asked.

"Oh" said Medic "That is a funny story." And Medic had a flash back to earlier…

Everyone had just been tolled to get out of the strip club and they were strippin on the curb.

"Let's go sit in my van, said Sniper It looks Like it mite rein soon." And everyone thouth that was cool and followed sniper to the van when all of a sudden….

"OH BUGGER ME SIDEWAYS AND DON'T FORGET THE APPLE SAUCE!1" Said Sniper. "Someone has stolen all of the radios and shit from my camper van and Slahde the tyers!111111"

"On NO!11 :O" Said everone . And they all turn and looked at demoman….. suspicionly with raised eyebrows….

"Wat You Lookin at Crackers," said Demo like the angry ethnic man he was "That's racist dawg! Besides It couldn't be me niggers, only a wite man would use a cheap-ass knife to slash tires, I mean look at those Cuts, all uneven and shit"

Everone nodded and agreed that the person who slashed the tires and stole the stuff was probably an angry white kid that probably listened to Blink 182 and probably Linkon Park.

Then it started to rain something from the sky.

"Wank stain licking face fucking wanker spanker," Said Sniper angry because he was getting rain on him now and he was an OZ man so he was licking the warm climate not sky water. He did not like rain.

Everyone quickly went and stood under hEAVY because it was dry the're, because he was big like a tee pee tent.

"We need to find building place," suggesting Heavy "Because it will be dryer than standing here."

"What about that club over there," said Demoman because he wanted to get inside quickly and off the street, "there are way too many black people out here".

Everyone nodded and went to the club. Outside of the club was the gayest bouncer anyone had EVER seen. He was wearing a face, a pair of sleeves less shirts and sleeveless pants, a big porn mustash like a third eye brow and leather fish net that were all torn up at the knees, like a big dead fish that had gotton cut up by a japanese sushi shef at them resturants.

"Heloo darlins," said the homer bouncer gayley fondling his pierced right nipple (which was half an ich higher than the left nipple.) Im"gonna need proof of Ure premium membership, NO F2P allowed!"

Everin understtod and showed there membership and then they were allowed in. Medic and Spy did not go in thought.

"SP eye" Red Medic. "ve can not go in zhere ve can not. U are still an addict. Seeing a sex now cpuld ruin all the hard work to make you mahogany and not polygamy. "Cum Spy we weill practise been a one cunt chump more."

"K" Said SpI.

Then Die and Meidc turned around to walk away and behind them was a ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What was that they said and they turned around to see the Gay bouncer Cum down his leg and the cum wnet in to a puddle on the floor.

"WTF vots rong vith you?" asked medic, he was surprised to see a man nuttin his pants for no reason .

"Ure ASS! Said the Bouncer. It is so ostentatious and cool. I want to rub my pinkie finger in ure chocolate mud pie and then smear it under my nose.

"OMG WHY WOOD U EVEN SAY THAT THAT IS GROSS.!1?" said Medic And then the man said that he wanted to wear his butt like a fake beard. It was such a thing of sex that Medic had to cover sPYS' EARS so that It wOuld not curupt him.

Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle" sung the Boner like snoop log and pinched him on the but. It felt soft and squishy, like a ripe peach or a pregnant wo man.

(I do not own lyrics to song, if I did I would kill myself)

"Get of me!1, Methic growled like chubaka. "You are not allowed to anal me. I am married. You are going to go to heel for bean gay before marriage."

But the gay man did not listen and undid his pants. "Here cums the pain train he said like a rapist and he got his 2 and a half inch hard weiner out of his pants.

'WOW!' Thought Medic,' #OMG I'ts so small it is a miracle of medicine!' and he was tempted to take sea man samples from the man in his ass to preserve his dna and find an antidobt for such aflictions and help future generatoions. But he knew it was a bad idea because it was a bad example to spy when he was getting over an illness.

All of a sudden the mans tooth pick dick tried to do some sex in him but Medic pushed him off and sang

No! stop that, it's not okay with me!

No! Don't do that! I have the right you see.

My body is my very own, that's how it's got to be,

I've learnt this is the time to say 'it's not okay with me!'11

No! Stop that, it's really not okay!

No! Don't do that! Take your hands away!

I know I'm not at all to blame, I've done nothing bad,

And now it's time to take my boot and kick you in the nads

And the gay rapist got kicked in his vulnerable man danglers making him temperedly paralysed.

Just then Medic got out a whistle and blew on it like it was a thick cock, but it made no noise?

"What is that for?" Asked Spy.

"U will see" Smiled Medic and then Heavy ran round the corner of the building in the style of an extreamly obease man on the biggest looser running up a flight of stairs, and began to break the bouncers penis inhalf. There was a loud snapping noise and the cock snapped in two blood and bone flying everywhere, then heavy riped the mans balls clean of and held them above his head like how link holds stuff he finds with music and everthing.

"It is a rape whistle," said Medic giving a thumbs up "Never get raped without it."….

Then Medics flash back ended…

"Vow," said Scout " Zhat flashback vas realy redundant und stupid."

And Medic did a 'Well you shudent of asked then' face.

"Any Vay I need To talk to sniper do any of you know vhere he is?"

Heavy stoped beating up the gay bouncer 4 a minuet and turning the mans dick into a vagina hole by punching a hole between his legs and said "He is in Club with others"

Scout looked scared "I can't go in there he said," it a GAY club and I am a strict Vagetarian.

"LOLOLOLLLOLOLOL" ROLFELED EVERYONE.

"Ignorent boy," Snorted spy like a france " The sign says Gabe Club not Gay Club.

"Gabe Club?" Asked Scout, "Whats a Gabe Club?######2!"

Then scout walked in to the Gabe club leaving Spy Heavy ond Melon outside.

"Oh…. a GABE Club :D" He smiled.

Inside the Gabe club was a lots of pictures of Gabe Newle whch had the words "Me" written under them. There were a pool table and a bar with lots of people using them, but they all looked like the same person as the ones in the pictures.

OMG said Scout "AAAaaaa….Are you….. Gabe Newle ! :O ?£"

"I'm Gabe Newell," said all the Gabe Newells like how Gabe Newell said "I'm Gabe Newell," in that video witch had Gabe Newell in it.

"OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG," Scout said getting excited from seeing the god of the universe and his childhood hero (Who scout had on a baseball card and wood look at every night to get off to like the porn mags I have under my bed, But I spilled OJ on them so there blury now.)

"Scout OVER HERE! Shouted!" Soldier giving him a middle finger sulute like a good American.

HI guys "Said Scout"

"S'cout how did it go…?" assed Sniper "Do ya know who you're dad is now?"

"No :( said Scout." The evidence was grined into dust by the man cock my Ma rided. Im STILL A BASTARD AND I don't know what to do "Scout Started to cry, remembering that his life sucked more that a kid with a popsicle.

"Awww poor ankle bitter," said Sniper all Maternally and fatly like he was a poofy chicken with a bunch of eggs that he was sitting on to make them babys. He hugged Scout, real close… like he was a tame drop bear and plade with his ear piece before letting him wear his sniping hat so that he felt like a big boy. "s'alright mate. " He said"You always have me, I know wart it's like to have paretns that are a bit shit."

"Tanks :D" said Scout anf they hugged again, the tip of scouts bat touching the tip of snipers rifle (which he wud have usualy thought was gay but sniper had been cool lately so it was OK).

"You're dads still out there somewhere, there MUST be another way to find out who he (or she (not judgeing)) is…"

But just as sniper was thinking of a way, a handsome, easy to see (but not fat) man came over to them who looked like Gabe New eel. "Hi, Gabe Newell here," said the man, and everyone at the table nutted there pants whitely (Except Demonman who had black cum cause he is an urban man.) "I couldn't help but here that are sad cause you don't now who your dad is."

"Yeah," said Scout sadly before perking up a pit like a nipple that had just had a coke can rolled over it or a pie that my gran made that looked half cooked so I poked the top of it and made a hole in it by accident. "Gabe, you're the knowing man of every thing, can you tell me? Pwease ? :3"

"Sorry," said Gabe "but I cant do that."

"But why? D:" asked Scout.

"Scout," said Gaybe like a father figute "Sometimes when you are an all mighty god amoung men you cant tell evey thing for everyone. People have to work out things for themselves so that they become more developed from experience. But I will tell you this, ure father is closer than u think… he could be in this very room… But maby he isn't, here take this" and gabe gave scout a ticket thing that was all in Hebrew writing which was weird and it had a picture of a jewish guy on it who looked like the most famus jew.

"What is this 4" asked Scout!

"I cant tell U," said gabe "I can't intervene anymore with this world"

"Why Troll me like that?" Asked Scout.

"It is the Gaben way… said Gabe and he started to walk away like that cool guy in school."

"Wait don't leave," said Soldier, swooning and getting onto the floor to kiss gabes feet. "Youre so cool, I think my penis grew talking to you."

Gabe laugthed cooly "It's all about been a person who is rich as fuck and dosent treat his customers like shit."

All of a sudden three people dressed as John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison came running in to the club and said to Gabe "Do you want to be Ringo?"

And Gabe said "Yes I do."

And with that all the gabes in the room floated off the floor as if they were clouds made of people and formed into one gabe who disappeared in a flash of light with the rest of the betals.

The club becae dark and all the cool stuff like pics of Gabe and tables and chairs and pool tables and bars and tables disappeared and the place becae an building of abandonment.

"Well that was intresting said everone and they all went outside." Because the club was empty now and even the table was gone so there was no where to even sit and it had probably stapoed raining.

"Or ivwar (which is french for hello)," said Spy when they got out side who was sat on the curb reading a book called 'pictures not to mastrabate to' 2 make him less of a sex man (which is real book and a good read 10/10 would wank to again(OMG THAT REMINDS ME )).

"Hi Spy," said everyone but not everyone because Sniper and scout did not say it. "How is sex therapy goin,"

"Wee Wee," snorted spy like a french bore that really needed to piss. "I have lert so much like the correct method of not having sex and to cary a whistle when ypu get raped."

"WELL FUCKING GOOD FOR YOU," wined Scout like a bitch. "I'M STILL NO CLOSER TO FINDING OUT WHO MA DA IS!"

"But there must be a way to find out," said Sniper. "BUTT HOW?/"

Heavy got up of the gay bouncing man because he had finished hurting him now. The man was bloody and hurt and not looking good. His testicals were on the flore next to him like a diflated red hairy jelly fish hat was wraped up on the beach. "MY TWO BALLS!" he shouted seeing them next to him and cradeling them in his arms like a dead baby's head.

"Lets go to Burger King (which existed in the 60s I checked :3) for dinner." Said HEAVY because it was dineing time know and everyone was hugery for food.

Everyone went to walk to Burger dineing place together to eat food. They were Hungry and food can stop that.

When they got there they all ordered some food.

Solly was American so he ordered the most American looking food he could see and aragnged it on his plate to look like the lady of libratese

Demo and Merasmus was scotish but there was nothing scotish on the menue so thehe ate only a bacon slice.

Engie was a Tex ant so he bought a double rodeo BBQ burger because it tasted like the big ol state.

Pyro ate some Mexican stuff cause he Is Mexican aparelty -_- .

Medic ate a Hamburg er because he is from Germany where hamburger evolved in hamburg what is where they are from.

Spy smoked some chips like they were cigarets and ate some Tropicana and a Cornish game hen.

Sniper ate a koala and kangaroo salad and Heavy ate 1 of everything because he was fat.

Are u sure u want nothing Scout. Said everyone.

"Yes," said Scout sadly, unless they sell burgers made of bits of my dad I am not hungry.

All Nine mercenrise sat on the sidewalk in a thinking way. Thay were all worried of scout know because he would not eat food, and scout are so skinny that he would proably turn in to a homeless black Ethiopian person because they are the skinniest people in the world.

They kept thinking. They were all thinking so hard now that they all looked like that thinking statue having a picknick about what they like to think about.

But the thinking wasent working.

"I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!11" SAID DEMOMAN

"Nither CAN I" said Engie.

"I cant either!" said Medic who was starting to bleed from his eyes and froth at the mouth.

"Ummmm, you okay doc." Asked everyone, because this was not normal activety of people, even doucheschland people.

Medic stood up all nazily, sniffin the air like that thing I am thinking of now (but I cant remember what it is called) "Zere iz a Jew vound here" he said and before anyone could say anything else, he goose marched off in a north easterly direction, the most german direction in te world.

Fuck.

Thought everyone. It was a nother set back to there mission to find scouts dad. Everyone was not going well for Scunt today. Sexily they followed him where he went. It was scary to do because they followed him through a place that was black and the people there looked dangerous. They looked more darked than demoman and were doin' some crimes. Then they were in a place that was far from where they had started.

There were more Germans there and they were all marching in perfect formation like they were practising 4 going to a job interview together to get a job as a zipper in somebodys pant because zippers work in perfect harmony to close.

Soon there were so many germ mans that it was like a bunch of angrily voice zombies walking to the last remaning alive person in a zombie game to eat there brans.

All of a sudden the zombie germs stoped. They were at a big studio place where tv shows were filmed like DR PHIl and Ellen.

All oof anothr suden the guys from valve zombie game came out of a zombie truck (I have never plade L4D so do not hate on me, that is NOT COOL AND HATEING IS A WAIT OF TIME!111111 IF U HATE U HAVE TO GET A LIFE!11111111111111111111111111111)

"shot them," said the old guy that from the game and everyone got out a trankwaliser gun and shot all of the gemans making them uncontious.

"All clear Mr Springer they said.

All of a third all of a sudden a Really Jewish guy that was Jerry Springer got out of the van and went into the studio to film the Jerry Springer Show.

"The hell is going on," asked Demoman.

It is the Jerry Springer show Francis "Said the guy from left for RED (Lol GET IT) Ever since Jerry springer became the last jew in existant thanks to the queen jew in isreal been killed all the natzis have been trying to kill him to purealise the world. He hired us to make sure that it does not happen.

And then the Left For RED guy starting putting the knoked out Nazis in cages and in the van. "We are taking these one to our head quarter to experiment on." And they put medic in 1 of da cavges.

"U cant do this!11" said Heavy "That 1 is mine and I want it back."

"Lol No!" said the old guy. "We are going to sell them to burger king to make Hamburg ers." And they drove away to there head quarters and Heavy cried like a bitch because writing in character is hard.

Meanwhile, Scout looked at the ting gabe gave him and relised that it was a golden ticket to be on the jerry springer show. And he cried in happiness.

"Everyone!11111111111111" He Cried. "This ticket that gabe gave me is a ticket to a pear on the Serry Jpringer show ! I CAN FIND OUT WHO MY DAD IS!11111111:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ::::::::::::::::::::DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD :;DD ;DDD ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) :3 :3 :3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3 :3 :3 :3 :3 ^-^

Sniper High Fived Scout because they would know who Scouts dad was soon and his expedition wood be a success.

Let go and Appear on the show then said Sniper and Scout called him Ma to cum for the filming of the show.

Everyone went inside to get a seat except Heavy and Spy. Heavy wanted to go in to watch the show a lot because it was funny to watch stupid Americans and when he called the American stupid it realy pissed of Soldier which was Funny to EVERYONE! But he Had to save Medic instead. It was annoying.

"Why didn't Spy go to show?" aksed Heavy.

"I am going to help you save your nazi," he said "I owe it to him as he helped me to be not addicted to sex …Also I am not ready to be a dad yet…"

"Wot?" said Hevu

"Nothin" said Spa and they went to save Medic."

When they got to the Left FORE Dead head quarters they could see that there were guards there and they would not be able to walk right in. It was harder than walking into a shop.

"Shit head," said Heavy "What do wi do?"

Spy though hard. Then he had it. "It is a long shot," said Spy "but it might just work."

Spy reached Sexily into his zipper and bulled out a spray can. "Heavy," he said , "take of ure shirt, I need visual aid."

Heavy did so, his big huge tits looking so incredible that they were like a pair of woman boobs. The sweat on them made them look Soooooooooooooooooooooooo oily and hot.

Spy quickly sprayed a magnificent pair of brests on the wall, trying hard to make them look like girl tits. It was the oldest spy trick in the book but extreamly effective.

After the boobs were done Heavy hid in a bush. Then spy shouted SEGI HEIL REALY LOUD to get the attention of the gards.

The gards came around the corner realy quick like. But there was no one there because spy went invisable.

"Fucking Kids Fucking WITH us again," said the gards. But then they saw the picture of the tits and stoped to look at it. "Wow that's the nicest pair a tits I ever saw." Said the gards looking at the boob spray, and heavy blushed in the bush cause compliment were cool.

The while the were looking at the pics spy came up behind and did some stabbin (EEEEWW not LIKE THAT!)

And the the gardenrs were dead.

Quickly theey grabed the keys from the dead guys and took it to open the door to the head quarters. Spy started to try the keys to unlock the door but none of them fitted the right.

"Fuck this," ANGERED HEAVY SOUNDING LIKE A ANGRY BULL FROG CROKING LOUD. And he used his fist to smash the door down like it was not even there. Heavy smashed down the doir.

Oh SHAT SAIF THE GUARDS INSIDE AND THEY RAN TO ATACK THEM WITH THERE GUNS OUT.

Heavy grabed a sanwhich from his pocket and ate it real quick making him into an anger man of massive proportions and he grabed the guards and started to fight them like chuck norise in that movie sidekick where chucknori fight people.

Spy stood back and watched as heads and dead people flew acroos the room deadly and soon all of the guard men were completely not alive anymore.

"They are dead now said Heavy" "They are not alive anymore"

Quickly they searched the cages and looked for Medic. There were so many GERMan people in cages that it was like a reverse holicause by the jews.

"Holcausts are never the answer" said heavy and he unlocked the cages for all the germans "Be FREE! :D" he said.

"Gutan Tag,"said the germans and they went back to there quest to kill Jerry.

"HEAVY!" CRIED Medic" U saved me.

"DOCTOR!" CRIED Heavy and Heavy began to gobble on Medics balls like a hungry hungry hippo. They then hugged so hard that they almost made a pregnancy RIGHT THERE.

"Cum here," heavy said effectional, and he put a leash and collar around Medics neck so that he could not run away again and everyone woud no he had an owner.

Spy dried his eye. It was such a touching site and he knew now from seeing how dedicated they were that he was ready for his own stable relation shit and to be a father to the sun he had never wanted.

Cum on everyone lets go to the Jerry Springer show he said.

Meanwhile at the studio the show was starting and Scout was on the stage. "Hello everyone, " jerry said jewishly. "Today we have a inspirational bastard who has been on a quest to find out who his dad is beacus his ma is a hoe. So Socut," he said " you mom is a big cum bucket?."

"Yeah," said Scout, "She has slept with like everyone and I need to find out who my dad is."

"Would your ma sleep with me?" Jerry asked

"Probably," scout said

And Scout ma came onto the stage angrily. "Scout STOP MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A WHORE ON TV, I WOULD ONLY SLEEP WITH JERRY IF HE PAID ME."

And jerry was about to get out his mony for a fuck when he got all tense and scared. "OH GOD", he screamed "THERE COMEING FOR ME," and he started to picnic like a animal traped in a cardboard box.

Mission Begins in 3… 2… 1… said the administrator.

Suddently all the germans ran through the door and went for jerry to try and kill him.

OH SHIT said scout. He could see the germs cumming onto the stage and he and his ma were right there in the way. "Cum on ma,"he cried and he ran quickly to the strip pole on the Jerry stage and climbed up it to safety, it turned out that scout was a natural on the pole after his ma had climbed it everyday when he was preg with her.

"Ma hurry he said but IT WAS TOO LATE. His ma was quickly swept up in the hord of German as they went to kill the jew. Scout watched from above as the Nazis started to rip apart jerry limb from limb and he herd the sound of his ma's neck cracking as she was slowly trampled to death. It was so bad. As scout saw it it reminded him of the time that he had found a beetle and crushed it slowly with his index finger like it was some breckfast cerial that escaped to the table and was been crushed while you eat because it makes breakfast a better time.

Don't woory Scout, AM A COMEING" CRIED Sniper, doing a backwards summer sault from his chair in the audience Into the stage. He then saxily used his knife and quickly fought his way to the pole and rescued scout by telling him to get of the pole. "GET OFF TA POLE SCOUT!", and scout did it.

"Why did you save mi" scout said.

"I did this because This exhibition to Bastan was moi idea and I will not be letting you die her, now is not the last day that you will be alive."

Scout nodded dramatically, him and Sniper were going to be good friends from now on, he could tell BUT THEN there were so many jermans around them moving for the attak. They were all high on jew killing chemicals that they were REDy to kill anything that came close to them.

Oh Dang, Were going to die, said scout annoyingly as sniper helplessly tried to fight away the germs but there were too many. They were comeing from everywhere like the front of them and behind them and they were getting everywhere, there were even some japaness one doing the bombin like earl harbour.

All of a sudden spy ran into the rum wit hevu and mudic and saw all of the rucuss. ""WOT IS GOING ONshouted spy to the other mercs who were watching the show and laughting like they were watching the family man, because it was always funny to watch people fight people for great justice.

"Scout and Sniper are getting attacked by germans," said Soldier

Oh no!" said spy looking at the fight. He could see That Sniper the Sniper that he loved and his ball broth Scout were been attacked and it was bad. BUT HE KNEW WHAT TO DO. From across the room Spah shouTED "SCOUT," HE SHOUTED "RUB THE SWEAT FROM URE CROTCH ON A RUG AND THROW IT AWAY,"

Scout was confused but he diy it quickly and did so and then throught the rag away far from where he was.

The cloth flyed across the room like a seagull made of fabric flying to a piece of food somewon had throughed.

"The germans smelt is as it flew over them, all the French juices on the rag and were realy strong smelling and sexy and made them all extremely horny, quickly they followed the cloth and smelt the sweat on it more putting there faces into it and, getting hot turned on they starting to have sex with each other like one of them Germas Porns, witch are quite alright actualy.

The room quickly cleared of germans as they all calmed down from the sex because it was a calming thing.

"Victory said the announcer"

"Wow said Sniper, That actualy worked!?" but Scout was not listening, instead he went to see his daead Mon.

"MA?" sacout said, walking over to his dead mom, and crying."PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD ::::::::(" but it was too late, her face was so squashed thet it looked like a piece of himun road kill that had been sat on by Steam (Copyright Valve LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) Roller ben driven by Heavy. And her body had bursted open like a star burst and her organs were everywhere and it was a meedss.

Scout pressed he E key on his Keyboard and Medic came. "Medics," he said " Can you make her alive please?" But Medic shooe his head. "IM SURU scot but I cant do that because we are not on a MVM server." And Medci looked at her to see if she was realy dead but she was, "My prognosis is that she will be dead from now on."

"SHE IS DEAD," Scout SAID WITH SO MANY TEARS THAT WERE COMEING FROM HIS EYES LIE THE WERE A PADDLEING POOL THAT HAD A LEAK INIT. " I HAVE NO PARENT AT ALL NOW." And he cried more than anyone had ever seen. "IM SO LONELY!"

"That is not true," said spy getting close to him " you see scout there is something that I have to tell you…

I AM YOUR FATHER (Predictable Line IS pRADICKTABLE)

OMG SHOUTED SCOUT his mouth droping open. Spy IS MA DADA? It made so much sense now. His Ma was always doing the down and dirty with spy and scout now understtod why his sweat was always smelling so good after he did baseball, he had the france jeans in him.

"DAD? Is this true ?"

"Yes said Spy." I was always been afrade to tell you because I am French and was afraid of commitment, this is also why I was an unloyal sex man to Sniper. But I am ready now. Sniper, my sun, will you forgive me?

Sniper did a koi face and scratched the back of his head with his knife. "I do't no" h3 said "U did so much cheating."

"Pwease," Psy Siad. "Just give me 1Chance to show U IHave ChaNGED. And Spy looked at his so sexy. That even scout got turned on.

"Alright Babe," I will give you another chance…" I Forgive U said Sniper, happy that hey could fuck again. AND THEy hugged like they were trying to make an egg with there Deoxyribonucleic Acid (I DID THE SCIENCE AT ALEVEL so I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!). "I missed you so much Spy that I even went on TF2Chan and read some erotic SniperXSpy Adult Fanfics, they were actualy…. *Wispers* quite spectacular." They kissed together, So HARD (MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm Yeah)

"Scout started to cry sexily and he jumped at spy to hug him," I love you dad he whimpered, and even though my ma is dead I AM so happy I have U :3

Spy smiled and kissed his son in the mouth. It was a French kiss because they were both French and it was sexy to everyone.

The audience awed. It was so cute.

"I love you too Son," said Spy, stoking his Crotch Gremlings leg before lening over to tell him something. "I…. I wan't to be inside you."

Scot was Sholed "B ut dad," he said, "Isn't that wrong!?"

"Non, you see in france," said Spy "It is traditional for a father to have sex with his sun's. This way they will learn the right way to make babys and continue the spices. So that we do not extinced."

Scout smiled, he had never had a father to teach him things before and now his dad was here to teach him how to have sex.

Scout quickly pulled down his shorts and spred his legs. He looked like a butiful young woman with no boobs and a penis. He penis was thick like a baseball bat made of penis, and Spy got hot and did some French words…

(I DON NOT OWN LYRIC K )

..

comme le bon vin

Ils donnent de la joie ou de tristesse

Affaibli par le sexe je suis malheureux

Direction le chemin tout mon possible

Parce que rien ne est gratuit dans la vie .

...

(The fucking lovers are like good wine

They give joy or sadness

Weakened by sex I am unhappy

Direction everything possible way

Because nothing is free in life.)

...

Anal est un plat typique mangé trop vite

Á sauter des repas je suis habitué

Un espion , seul, triste à nourrir

Dans un jeu si amer , je veux réussir

Parce que rien ne est gratuit ...

...

(Anal is a typical dish eaten too fast

Á skipping meals I'm used

A spy, lonely, sad to feed

In a game so bitter , I want to succeed

Because nothing is free ...)

...

Je ne ai jamais tricher vais répéter

Plus d'un amant, ce ne est pas pour moi

Permettez-moi de Marvel et prends vol

Nous finirons nous régaler

...

(I never cheat will repeat More than a lover,

it's not for me Let me Marvel and take flight We finish regale us)

...

Sexe va enfin commencer

Et retirer l'hymen anales , des troubles

Je dessine l'avenir nouveaux cas de mortalité

Je suis heureux à l'idée de ce nouveau destin

Une vie de péché , et enfin libre

Mon pénis est sur son chemin

...

(Sex will finally start And remove the anal hymen ,

unrest I draw the future new mortality I am pleased at the idea of this new destiny A life of sin ,

and finally free My penis is on its way)

...

Scout felt so aroused now because French is the language of SMEX.

Spy held Scout Baseballs in his hand and ran his soft frnch hands overthem like they were bomboms. Socuts balls were sticky and warm from precum but they smelt so good from him been part French.

"Lie down mon petit chou-fleur," Spy said with the French of naplian boner part.

Scout did so as spy got all over him and did the kissing and sexing. Scout could feel spys dick going into him like a straw piercing a juice carton with no lubeing or anything and Scout screamed like that girl in the credits of Skinned Deep (OMG LOOK IT UP IF U DON'T KNOW, SO FUNNY ;D 10/10 would laugth at again).

Spy went balls deep into his son very quickly. His hard French beget rubbin the young lads prostate like spys dick was a bread stick and Scouts prostate was a bowl of humus. It was easy to do, been French Spys dick was natraly lubracateing like a vagina because that is a French evolution to help them to bread more officiantly.

Scout groned and scream as his Dads, long, fat, warm good cock was inside of his baseball glove. "YES, YES! Daddy BONK me harder," he could see why his ma liked Spy so much, he realy knew a lot about doing sex and scout was leaning fast of Spys pleasing techniques, it was comeing naturaly to scot because he was also a French.

Spy smiled and grabed onto Scouts balls, tossing them around like they were a pair of baseballs in a sweaty spots sock, he then pinched the top of the balls.

"This is something I lern, Sayed Spy, Will stop you from comeing yet and we will do climax together." Scout nodded and smiled knowing that they climax wood be good.

All of a sudden spy and scout felt something push also into scout anus making it fit even tigter.

"Room for one more mates? ;)" said Sniper using his sniping skills to quickly and acuratly push his riffle up into scout ass, making it rub agains spys nice french loaf.

"Yeah, sure…" said Scout smiling hotly as the sexy ozzie began to pleasure him aswell. " You are technicaly my adoptive father now that spy is my dad so it is absoulutly fine for you to fuck me also."

Sniper and scour Smilled, they both finaly felt like they had a careing family that they could get realy close with and it was so good.

Scout felt as Sniper ad Spy s dicks both went in and out of him at the same time and so fast. IT WAS AMAZING. It was like he had Just scored 50home runs at one time in the major leagues because it was just that pleasurable.

Spy Cock was skilled and made so much pleasure inhim, stretching his walls and hitting his prostate, Whilst Sniper cock went in and out of him real fast like an angry kangaroo, jumping up and down realy hard on top of something it was trying to squash.

Scout reached under both of his fathers dicks and grabed there balls. Scout loved baseballs and he was real good with balls. He held them like he was a pitcher and threw them around hard against his cock using his cock like a baseball bat as he hit them. He smaked Sniper and Spys balls with his baseball dick so hard that they almost came off and it was so hot and pleasurable.

Then it happednd.

Before scout knew it he came and his dad pulled out and let his French dressing splatter across his sun and over his boys face whilst Sniper Shot a big thick wad of cum that shot from his sniper riffle at 1036.32 meters per second and went into scout deep into him and it was good. Spy and Scout were now true father and son and Sniper had made up with spy.

That was amazing said Spy and he lit a cigarette.

And Scout hugged him and Sniper, so happy that he finalt had 2 pear ents and not one.

The live audience at the show went AWWWWWWW. It was so adorable to see a father runite with his sun and take responsabiluty.

I am so happy that you finaly have a dad scout, said everyone. Giving him a pat on the back. Scout smiled and put away his Penis in his baseball pants. This calls for a party.

So Demo called for stripers and clowns and stuff and had a great big party right there in the studio to celebrate scout finding his dad.

Well know I've seen everything. Said engineer who was finaly getting to drink a glas of punch that didn't have a whore in it cause she was dead. What a CRAZY day it had been. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now. It was time to finaly go home.

Everyone was driving back to the red base in Snipers beat up van. It was a long trip and they were back now. But something bad was waiting for them…..

When they got close they saw the fattest person they had ever seen. The person was even fater that heavy and looked so huge to them. It was….. MISS PAULING!?

After the story…

Sniper and Spy were back together and it was realy good relation ship again, it was like they had never not gooton broken up. Sniper also got engie to fix his van by hitting it with a wrench.

Scout was adopted by Sniper, and Spy had to make up for years of missing birthdays and christmasses so he was almost ompleatly broke and Scout had so many new toys to play with. Scout also inherited him ma's brothel so he was now a total pimp now.

Soldier was diapointed that Scout wasent a true American like him anymore because he had fracnce in him, so at soldier weekly American meeting it was anly him and enginner now which was awkuard because engie only went because he felt sorry for Sollys retardedness.

Demo and Merasmus….. Did.. Stuff I guess…. Yeah I got nothing…

Pyro and Engie Wondered why people thought Pyro was Mexican, while the chineese did some resherch on engineer on the internet by following his twitter page.

Heavy and Medic did some honey mooning and had sex in lots of public places like schools and playgrounds because they wanted some kids, and the best way to make them is to do it in a place that is kid friendly because the fetus will feel safer there. This IS SCIENCE.

* * *

The END Until Next TIME THANKS FOR READING :D

* * *

Authors N00b

TAHKN for reading eaverht one and thank you too all the cool people who reviwed. Everyone els Sotp hateing it isn't cool ot anny thing you are just wasteing ure time. U NEED TO GET A LIFE HATTERS. Thakny ou to the cool people and stayed tunad for the next chapter BUYS ^-^


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